How to word the dress code...

[MidnightDexy]

I know dress codes on wedding invitations are a divisive issue, but some of our guests will need a steer. Allow me to explain...

We are having a semi-formal (i would say 'normal') wedding this summer. At every wedding i have ever been to with my family or my friends, men have worn suits and ties (standard business dress) and ladies have worn a dress of some description (with or without a hat/fascinator).

My fiance is from another (European) country. I attended his grandfather's funeral last year at the local church and half of the grandchildren came in jeans, trainers and a jumper/teeshirt. The eldest son (my fiance's uncle) came in stonewashed jeans, a short sleeve lumberjack shirt, and desert boots.

Rightly or wrongly, i don't want this happening at our wedding. My family are very far from 'posh' but they (again, rightly or wrongly) consider dressing appropriately for the occasion to be a mark of manners and respect. My family have never met his extended family and i don't want first impressions on our wedding day to mean they get off on the wrong foot. I can't be bothered with the stress tbh.

Anyway for those reasons we will be putting a dress code on our invitations. If I were only inviting English speakers then I would put "Dress code: Lounge suits", on the understanding that a UK bloke would interpret that to mean shirt and tie, and a woman would interpret that to mean smart dress/skirt and jacket.

What should i write for the women - "evening dress"? "cocktail dresses"? "elegant dress"?

("Smart-casual" is just going to be a recipe for disaster).

Again, appreciate people have opposing views on invitations with a dress code but i am not looking for a flaming, just advice on how best to word this! What the hell is the female equivalent of "lounge suit"?

Could you maybe specify you want the adults to dress up and give the kids a pass? I probably wouldn't want to buy growing kids new outfits they may never get another wear out of for one occasion. Little bit different for adults probably although obviously I don't know about your fiancé's country of origin.

My family are very far from 'posh' but they (again, rightly or wrongly) consider dressing appropriately for the occasion to be a mark of manners and respect

You sound concerned your family will look down on your husband's family if they are not dressed in exactly what they deem as wedding clothes- if that's the case then I would suggest the issue is with your family not his tbh. If it's mentioned why wouldn't you be able to say to your family that they just more casually at weddings in their country?

Don't put "lounge suit" - in some European countries that will be understood as jogging bottoms! (It says "lounge wear" on the packaging for lounging around soft jogging bottoms and top combinations and even onsies bought in Aldi in Germany).

DH's Family are German and over did the "British" wedding wear for our small, informal wedding - the unnecessary hats were amazing, they looked as though they were going to ladies day at Acot (there was possibly a degree of irony and playing dress up )

People are not stupid and are generally more aware of UK norms than British people are on average of norms in European countries due to the vast amount of UK TV exported to Europe.

As it's important to you I'd just put "The dress code is formal". You will look patronising if you go into too much detail and "formal" means no jeans and trainers/ flip flops etc in pretty much every country at least in Europe.

Does your fiancée mind that you are imposing your traditions on his family?

I would write, "the (name of venue) has a strict dress code of smart formal wear.

I'd just put "dress code: smart/formal".

Don't put anything in the invitations - there's no way to get it right.

Simply get your fiancé to put the word out to his family that British weddings are quite formal and put the word out among your family that weddings in xx country are very casual and it's not a sign of disrespect.

A quick phone call to the matriarch of each family should do the job I'd think.

Smart wedding attire please, dresses for women, jacket and tie for men.

Funerals are very different to weddings.
Unless you tell them the wedding is going to be an urban street party, I expect people to turn out in their best clothes. Whatever they are. Or buy better ones.

For funerals most people tend to wear what they have. Or the closest relatives will wear black, probably.

Do not write anything. Or just "formal". Some women may turn out in ball gowns, though.
But never mind what the guests wear. You'll always look better.

Which country are they from?

My friend put 'formal' dress code on her invitations but still had people from her fiancés family (again, another European country) turning up in denim mini skirts and flip flops.

I agree with Bike and Dame.

Your family's 'good manners' involve imposing their own feelings on something on to a different culture, and looking down on another culture for not having English customs?

I'd be telling my family what to expect tbh. Unless your real reason is that you're bothered his family will ruin your wedding photos I suspect suppose.

Failing that, if your fiancé wants it on the invitations then let him sort out the wording.

I think you are maybe asking a bit much. How well off are they? You are expecting them to pay to travel to your wedding and cough up for new outfits. A bit of a cheek.

Could you try to make the dress instructions a bit friendlier? 'Dress to impress!' might get a bit lost in translation, but something along those lines might seem a bit less prescriptive and would allow them to wear something that is normal to them at weddings, just an impressive version of it!

You wouldn't insist on a Ghanaian family wearing suits and dresses if they normally wore their traditional dress to big events. It just seems a bit to ask your foreign family to 'please be a bit more British' for the day

What the hell is a 'lounge suit'? I'm Irish and would have no idea what you meant.

You need to tell your fiancé to ask around and find out what would be put on the invite in his country. Can he not ask his parents?

And be careful you don't end up confusing the rest of your guests

Could you put it as simple as 'dress code: smart' ? No room for confusion there surely. I would take that to mean suit, dress, no jeans etc.

I went to a wedding in the last few years in Germany and was surprised by how casually some of the guests dressed. All the guests from the UK were in smart suits/dresses but most of the German guests were very casual - tshirts, shorts, flip flops etc. It did look slightly odd when everyone was together as half were in 'Sunday best' and half looked like they'd just popped out to the supermarket. It doesn't matter really in the grand scheme of things - we all had a great day - but myself and a few other guests wondered if we'd over dressed and felt a bit awkward, and I noticed a few of the German guests went home to change into a shirt/nice dress before the reception so maybe they felt under dressed.

Does it really matter?? Surely the wedding is all about your love for each other and spending the day with loved ones. Just don't get the whole dress code thing 🤔

I've been to Danish weddings with guests in jeans and trainers.

You know the little insert with the invite with information, like "these are good hotels, these are some taxi firms in the local area", maybe have one really spelling it out:-

"As this is a cross-cultural wedding there might be some traditions that you may not have heard of.
In Fiancé's country, there is a charming tradition of everyone making 20 minute speeches after dinner, so there is very little time for dancing.
In the UK, there is a tradition of wearing formal clothes, so no jeans or trainers. Men wear suits and ties, women wear pant suits or dresses. Naturally, we will be blending these traditions on the day to celebrate our union."

I actually think your post is quite sad
What does it matter what they wear?
It never even occurred to me to be bothered by what my guests might wear

Dress Code: Formal British Wedding

Sorry-but I think it is really rude telling people what they have to wear. Writing this on an invitation is right up there with asking for money a twee poems.

I would always wear something smart to a wedding but if anyone stated I had to wear a formal dress/ cocktail dress I just wouldn't go. The wedding party- bridesmaids, ushers, best man- it's fair enough to have a colour scheme/ similar outfits and suits but not the other guests. Are you worried they will ruin the appearance of your photos?

My family have never met his extended family and i don't want first impressions on our wedding day to mean they get off on the wrong foot.

You are worried what your family might think if your DF's family turn up in jeans? I think that says a lot more about your family than his TBH.

Im English, almost 40, and haven't a clue what a lounge suit is. Dress code: smart. Is all you need to put.

Dress code: smart

AND/OR

Explain to your family that your fiance's culture is such that they tend to dress more casually at weddings, and they must not take it personally if they turn up in jeans.

Are you worried about your family's reaction, or what the photos will look like?

Can I ask why this would be a problem given its cross cultural? You worry that your family would think of something being lacking in manners and respect but are you clear that your fiance's family being told what to wear would also not be seen as a lack of respect and manners? And why does this really matter?

My DP and I come from different backgrounds (and continents) and there were parts of the wedding that came from each culture, including what some people were wearing and what some people did at the wedding. Neither DP and I stressed and just went with the flow. There was a good 20 mins at one point were none of the UK side knew what was going on but most of Zimbabwean side were having a lot of fun.

Saying all that, if you do think you need to do this then I think that lovelearning has a good name for it - Formal British Wedding.

Spam, Secrectspiller, Down et al: I am wary of just putting ‘formal / smart’ for the reason Spam suggests. It is open to interpretation whereas an explicit instruction that men should be in suits and women should wear a dress is unequivocally clear. Yes, people may ignore it and there’s nothing you can do about that, but at least you were clear and upfront.

They are indeed from the NL 

Bike, Dame, Milk: calm down dears. I didn’t say “my family think people who dress in casual clothes are scummy”, I said they would find it disrespectful. Finding something disrespectful or ill-mannered does not mean that you ‘look down’ on someone. There have been lots of times in my life where I’ve found someone’s behaviour rude but I’ve never thought “ew you’re so vulgar and trashy”, just “that was rude”. And no, my fiancé is not the hysterical type, and does not consider a dress code to be “imposing our traditions on his family”. We have received invites to an Indian wedding asking ladies to wear saris and men to wear kurtas and neither of us did the cat’s bum “this is so racist and offensive, how dare they impose their culture on us” thing. You know, because we’re reasonable people.

January: why new outfits? They own suits and wear these to work, why would they need new clothes?

Lovelearning: I quite like “formal British wedding”.

I am worried about my family’s reaction. My granny thinks it’s so, so rude when women don’t wear a hat to church, there’s no persuading her that times have changed… I’m not really going to put a photo of my fiance’s uncle and cousins in their wedding outfits on our mantelpiece tbh so can’t say I really care about their impact on the photos…

In which case all you can do is get your fiance to spread the word that Midnight's family get very upset by these things, and say that it's formal British wedding attire.

If they do dare to turn up in jeans, have someone sitting beside Granny who can distract her, and make sure they're kept out of the group photos.