how to come to terms with not having the style of wedding I want

[whattodoo]

That sounds a bit spoilt, doesn't it?

We've been together 7 years, have a 4yo DD. Both of us in our 40s and I've been married before (no children from that marriage).

So a grand extravagant affair wouldn't be appropriate, nor is it what I want.

But I would like something elegant, special and memorable with about 50 guests. Have found bathe perfect place and will cost about 7k including all the extras such as cake, invites, outfits etc.

However DP hates being the center of attention and would far rather a registry office with 20 guests followed by a meal in a restaurant and then a party in the evening in a village hall for about 70. This will cost about far, far less.

As one of us has to compromise, it makes sense for me to do so as it will save us money which we could spend on something else (budget isn't the deciding factor).

But how do I throw myself enthusiastically into organising a wedding if it isn't the sort of event I really want?

we had a similar debate with our wedding, both late 20s with a ds.

dp wanted 20 in the day at a reataurant and more at night in a hall but id prefer a more traditional wedding

i found somewhere that does an all inclusive wedding package for 70 day and 100 night guest for 4k inc civil ceremony, 3 course meal, drinks during meal and toast, evening food and flowers

priced up dps option and by the time we arranged transport, dj, bar, catering for night mine worked out far better value with a difference of about £1k which really surprised him

can you work out the cost of both and see if that helps?

oh also found that Burtons now do suit hire from £50-85, hope it helps

Thanks for replying. It's hard when you idea of a wedding day differs from your DP, isn't it.

To be honest, I could find him a deal at a swanky venue for £5 a head all inclusive and he'd still be far happier doing it low key with the bare minimum of guests - its the formality and being the center of attention that he hates.

I've decided that it is only fair to have a wedding that he prefers. I just need to get my head around the disappointment and find something low key and informal that will still feel 'special'.

He won't want photos, so I'll need to make sure we have some magical memories of the day.

The actual marriage is what's most important, not just the 'one big day'.

Ok,well the different levels of guest list intrigues me. Have you sat down and looked at who would be in your 20/50/70? Because if you haven't then style may be the least of your issues!

Yes, we've done that. 20 is immediate family. 50 is wider family and close friends. 70 is wider circle of friends.

I was like your husband till we started planning our wedding and now I'm glad we are having a bigger day. It was quite hard at first though when me an DP couldn't agree on what type of wedding.

Hope you can come to a compromise.

Thank you for replying. I'm sure we will come to a compromise. I guess I'm just feeling disappointed that I won't be having my dream wedding. But its more important that we are both relaxed and enjoy the day.

There must be a compromise. You can be informal AND elegant and special, but it's probably a bit hard to feel elegant in a church hall!
Work out which bits of the day are most important to him, which bits are most importnat to you, then combine! For example we had a church ceremony (important to DH), an informal afternoon tea-style reception for families, no posed photos/top table etc (importnat to me), then a posh BBQ and live band in the evening (important to both of us). It was awesome, and there were some elegant bits, but it was also very relaxed. I'm sure you can combine elements from both your days to come up with soemthing that doesn't feel second best.

I like your style twelve .

Yes, compromise is the key and you're right that we can both have elements that are important to us and combine them into a wonderful day.

Thank you.