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Original poster

I think I have just about seen it all now regarding wedding gifts.

135 replies

Fimbo · 03/09/2010 14:12

A friend of a friend was going to the Maldives and instead of gifts they asked for donations to the honeymoon to make it "as spectacular as possible".

That in itself is bad enough imvho. But then I saw the website...... A whole lot of trash about themselves and the honeymoon and a list of all these "experiences" you could buy them. Special people to carry the luggage, speedboat to get them to their villa, day trips to various places etc etc. Oh and you could paypal the money directly to them....

Grr what's wrong with a towel bale or a toaster.

OP posts:
thefirstmrsDeVere · 03/09/2010 17:01

I am going to sound like a right old gimmer here but...

It does seem that getting married is now all about the day and feck all else. Whats the average spend on a wedding 20K + or something daft.

Wedding gifts were about setting up your life together not paying for a jolly in a hot country.

If all the emphasis is on the nuptials and the build up is huge and the day brings the family to bankruptcy - how will the actual day to day reality of being married compare?

Nothing would have made me put myself in debt for the sake of one day.

Wanderingsheep · 03/09/2010 17:07

Quite a few people came to our wedding without presents or vouchers/money and just gave us a card.

We've lived together for 7 years and didn't really need anything so didn't ask for anything. A few people were insistent though so gave us vouchers.

cat64 · 03/09/2010 17:08

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expatinscotland · 03/09/2010 17:09

At the last one, Fimbo, well after midnight, the bride's horshoe, which was thankfully a plastic one somehow tethered to her dress, went flying into the crowd of revellers, striking one on the head and ricocheting off his melon to hit two more.

It's now 'the wedding where Mhairi's horshoe took flight'.

ApplesandBananas · 03/09/2010 17:11

When we put together a wedding list (which we or our parents told people about only if they asked...Wink) we took the view that we'd only put things on it that we would buy ourselves - i.e. that were within our normal lifestyle/spending power.

We couldn't have afforded to get it all at once, of course. But we didn't try to 'upgrade' to a level beyond our own means.

And I think that's the problems with these requests for luxury gifts - the B&G are asking for people to pay for things they themselves could not afford (or don't value enough to spend their own money on). And that feels, to me, like taking advantage of people's generosity.

Gay40 · 03/09/2010 17:17

Ay my wedding, should I ever bother my arse having one, I am going to ban gifts.

My friend, who met his wife on a volunteering holiday thingyo, also banned gifts from their wedding - they opted for the overseas project they had met on to receive gifts, such as items for the school and community.

I was very impressed and sent a goat and plough.

ApplesandBananas · 03/09/2010 17:19

Just thought of an analogy to illustrate my point.

These luxury wedding lists are equivalent to sitting in the pub all night buying yourself halves of cider but when someone else offers to buy you a drink, asking for a double scotch.

cat64 · 03/09/2010 17:20

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QS · 03/09/2010 20:06

My best friend is getting married next month. There is no wedding list, there is no mention of presents on the invite. She says they dont need anything (they are badly in debt though, and are doing a low budget wedding, and no honey moon)

I suggested I pay for a special part of her catering for the day. It would be sentimental and symbolic to us both, for personal reasons related to my own wedding 10 odd years ago. She was very pleased, she understands the sentiment, and it helps them out. I dont think there is anything crass about it.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2010 20:22

Well, no, QS, there's nowt crass about that. You know her straits. She's not asked you for anything, much less expected it.

You offered. As a gift.

She accepted.

That's what a gift is.

TotalChaos · 03/09/2010 20:38

QS - not crass in any shape or form. It's a lovely thoughtful gesture.

marriednotdead · 03/09/2010 20:44

A friend of DH brought round an invite he'd received to show us.

The magic words printed on the bottom were No gifts just cashShock

Needless to say, he didn't attend.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2010 21:06

Yep, that'd be an instant reject from me.

BettySuarez · 03/09/2010 21:17

And yet I attended a wedding in June and they also said that they didn't need any gifts. Just wanted to share their special day with us. But did mention that we could make a contribution towards their honeymoon if we wished to.

I thought that it was handled very discreetly, no-one would know if you had or hadn't. Didn't mind this in the slightest!

In some cultures, you have to pin money to the happy couple. No one seems to mind that either!

ButterpieBride · 03/09/2010 21:25

We stupidly didn't keep any record of who brought food to the wedding, and also any cards that people insisted we open in front of them as they contained money, so we can't send thankyous.

cornsilk909 · 03/09/2010 21:30

Asking for money for your wedding is vulgar. Those 'We have everything we need...' poems are hideous.

LynetteScavo · 03/09/2010 21:37

One friend did very nicely ask for cash rather than gifts, and I didn't mind, as I know she didn't need any more towels then, but would need some more house stuff in the future when they moved.

But for a honeymoon? Hmm they'd probably get about a fiver off me.

NW20 · 03/09/2010 21:42

Wedding lists are crap and I hate buying people presents from them.
Every wedding I have ever been to the couple have already been living together for sometime and clearly have everything they need for their house, so buying them some crappy mixing bowl off the John Lewis gift list just because they feel it necessary to have one to keep people happy (because lets face it most people want to buy a gift) gives me no pleasure at all.

I would FAR prefer to contribute to someone's honeymoon, I don't feel it is rude at all if it is worded in a way like "we really don't need any gifts however if you would like to give us something First Choice vouchers for us to put towards a holiday would be lovely".
Or even people just asking for John Lewis vouchers so that they could put them towards something substantial like a new tv/bed/video camera.

That website is a little bit tacky tho, and I would be shocked if someone put "no gifts just cash"!

expatinscotland · 03/09/2010 21:53

You can't send thank-you's? Why not just what you posted here, in a thank you to all the guests?

There's no such thing as can't send thank-you's unless you've been in a near fatal accident and you're in ICU.

ButterpieBride · 03/09/2010 22:18

We are intending to send some kind of "thank you for coming" to everyone, but my mum is insisting that I send specific thank yous to everyone listing exactly what we spent their money on/how much their towel bale is incredibly useful. Of course we are very grateful for the lovely presents, but we are also very grateful for the effort that people made just to come or even send us a card or message.

If we sent "thankyou for your gifts" to everyone, that might make people who didn't give gifts feel bad. What a bloody minefield!

cornsilk909 · 04/09/2010 08:13

It's not up to your mum though is it? A thank you, we had a lovely day and were so glad you came Auntie X blah blah is fine.

UnePrune · 04/09/2010 09:04

Put it this way, I went to a wedding where everyone helped with the food (as in, catering!), everyone had additional jobs - we thought we were helping in a kind, family sort of way. (Presents were JL vouchers, er, NO.)

NOBODY got a thank you card, not for a gift, a voucher, not for helping. The rather pathetic excuse was 'he lost the list of who gave what'. So rather than send a thank you saying that, they opted to do fuck all.

People are still talking about it and it was 5 years ago. It really, really matters.

hippohead · 04/09/2010 09:45

Uneprune has hit the nail on the head.

I went to a wedding recently where on the invite the bride and groom asked for contributions towards their lavish honeymoon. They had hoped for contributions to a particular paypal account before a particular date when they needed to pay for the honeymoon (about 8 weeks before the wedding).

Loads of people didn't contribute in time (including us).

So they put a wrapped cardboard 'post' box in the entrance to the venue for us to post our contributions.

I understood that they probably didn't need any home setting up type stuff. However I felt a bit uncomfortable posting our contribution at the entrance. Not sure if it was the tacky-ness of it all or the fact that the contribution made a dent in our currently very tight budget.

pagwatch · 04/09/2010 09:57

this thread is Shock
I am a sad old cynic but I cannot believe the tackiness ofthat website.

I am pretty much a cow about this stuff. I am very very generous with gifts and will spend loads when B&G either really need cash or have a sensible and discreet gift list.
Crass demands requests for money usually result in a crap present.

I always wonder if they figure it out afterwards.

The irony is that if B&G know we are usually generous and are also grasping their expectations are all the more sadly shattered.
Awful.

notso · 04/09/2010 10:35

That website is vile, and those poems are awful; Pot's and pans, we have many,
Cold, hard, cash we haven't any,
Shiny toasters, we have two,
Fifty pound notes, we have so few,
Dig Deep.

I don't mind giving money, I do mind people asking for money for a honeymoon when they have already booked and paid for the honeymoon.
Both BILs have got married recently and both sent poems weeping about how they wanted to pay for an itty bitty honeymoon, then months before their weddings one couple had booked and paid for one week in America with excursions followed by two weeks in the Carribean and the other couple were lamenting that they couldn't decide where to go as they had been everywhere they had ever wanted to go!