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Original poster

I think I have just about seen it all now regarding wedding gifts.

135 replies

Fimbo · 03/09/2010 14:12

A friend of a friend was going to the Maldives and instead of gifts they asked for donations to the honeymoon to make it "as spectacular as possible".

That in itself is bad enough imvho. But then I saw the website...... A whole lot of trash about themselves and the honeymoon and a list of all these "experiences" you could buy them. Special people to carry the luggage, speedboat to get them to their villa, day trips to various places etc etc. Oh and you could paypal the money directly to them....

Grr what's wrong with a towel bale or a toaster.

OP posts:
ProfYaffle · 03/09/2010 16:13

This really wouldn't bother me, I think I'd rather buy an 'experience' for a friend than a random homewares item from John lewis.

We're going to a wedding in a few weeks where the couple have asked for no presents but for those who insist, Travel Agent vouchers which I think it fair enough.

Dh and I asked for donations to the hospital where he had his Big Operation in lieu of gifts

AnnieBeansMum · 03/09/2010 16:13

I'm sorry but I agree with pretty much everyone else. I think this is tacky and tbh, I think John Lewis gift lists are tacky too. A wedding isn't about gifts so, should it really matter what you are given??

IMO, if you want a dream honeymoon, then save your pennies and pay for it yourself! Don't expect friends and family to bear the cost of swimming with dolphins, eating out and limo rides. Daft!

expatinscotland · 03/09/2010 16:14

I'm off to start creating websites for this new era of turning your jumped up dinner party into a means to enjoy your life to the max!

I'm gonna be rich!

I can't believe no one's thought of this before - why restrict it just to weddings?

Original poster
Fimbo · 03/09/2010 16:16

My mil was stunned recently at at wedding where sandwiches were provided during the evening reception but if you wanted a cup of tea/coffee you had to buy it yourself.

OP posts:
susie100 · 03/09/2010 16:16

Expat then are you objecting to wedding lists per se or just honeymoon lists?

I would much rather always have an 'experience' like a nice dinner with family than a material item as a present.
We all have too much stuff.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2010 16:19

I object to any host throwing a party with a)an expectation of a gift. A gift is, by its definition, not obligatory b) using this expectation as a means to dictate the terms of this contribution, because then it's not a gift, it's a demand, and the party is thus a fee-paying event.

traceybath · 03/09/2010 16:21

LOL at expat on this thread.

Its just so grabby isn't it - I guess thats my problem with it.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2010 16:21

I'd have left, Fimbo. But then, I find 'evening dos' a strange custom indeed.

I love your list! I'll be happy to get a ceilidh set up to help you achieve your goals.

I can lay on some trash can punch dirt cheap and know plenty of quality ceilidh bands ready to party!

We can do a cash and carry run for the food, some lovely piss up fare.

Oooo, you're gonna get an entire week in Crieff at this rate :o.

UnePrune · 03/09/2010 16:22

Susie I don't think you get me

Imagine you are skint. You have cut back every expense and life is a bit joyless. (It gets to you after a while.) You get invited to a friend's wedding. Friend is doing better than you financially, and you know it's going to be quite a lavish wedding. It costs you to go to it...and then you see the website and realise that as a gift you have to give them £50 quid for a bottle of wine so that they can enjoy their honeymoon even more. You haven't been able to spend £50 in ages just like that. If you had it to hand, you wouldn't spend it on a bottle of wine. You are a nice person and otherwise a generous person. You wish your friend happiness but just giving them money really hurts.
It just pushes the boundaries of natural generosity way too far IMO.
Fine if you know everyone can afford it, but just a teensy bit cruel otherwise.

Rindercella · 03/09/2010 16:23

Imo, UnePrune has summed up beautifully the reasons why a gift list such as the one Fimbo linked to is distasteful to some people.

Loopy, you really shouldn't take offence - what worked wonderfully for you isn't to everyone else's taste. I wouldn't assume though that all of your guests were 100% comfortable/happy with it.

UnePrune · 03/09/2010 16:23

I actually think for most people (who, I agree, have too much stuff) the honourable thing to do is to not ask for gifts at all. But I do see there's a tradition!

susie100 · 03/09/2010 16:24

Expat - I see what you mean and I agree. I think generally people do want to buy a pressie for weddings though and this is just a way of ensuring you don;t get 22 toasters isn't it?

Uneprune - I do get it. I don;t think there is any obligation to buy anything at all for what its worth.

UnePrune · 03/09/2010 16:27

And another thing
What makes this easy for people to set up is the anonymity of the Internet. You don't have to actually be present when accepting the cash.
Imagine yourself physically taking the money. Would you be happy accepting a fifty from a skint friend and smiling at them and telling them you were going to have an extra super time on your extra super honeymoon?

I think if you would find that in any way uncomfortable then you shouldn't do it.

UnePrune · 03/09/2010 16:28

Come off it susie
You know there is an obligation! It's a wedding! Everything about weddings is obligation

Original poster
Fimbo · 03/09/2010 16:35

There is always an obligation. I know no-one who hasn't given a gift or vouchers at a wedding.

OP posts:
Algebra18MinusPiEquals16 · 03/09/2010 16:42

very good point re: internet, uneprune

(is your name a reference to Muzzy BTW?)

sorrento56 · 03/09/2010 16:42

This seems the norm now Sad.

The last three weddings we have been invited to have stated no gifts but if we wanted money towards honeymoon, etc would be lovely.

Takes the fun out of shopping for a gift.

scallopsrgreat · 03/09/2010 16:43

I had two friends who had lived together for several years, just bought a house, didn't need anything and they just set up a charity web page with Justgiving (or some such) and you put donations on there. Simple really.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2010 16:43

Well-stated, UnePrune. At the heart of such sites is self-absorbtion and not considering your guests and what their means and talents might be.

It's the equivalent of assuming all your guests are going to present you with something you don't value, because what you value most of all is money, that's what the invite says in so many words.

Fine. Then walk the walk and charge admission because that's what it's asking: for people to pay to watch you get married.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2010 16:45

I'm surprised no one's trotted out the ol': but in Italy, Greece, Africa, etc. everyone gives money.

UnePrune · 03/09/2010 16:48

Expat I never thought I'd see anyone more cynical about weddings than me!

ButterpieBride · 03/09/2010 16:49

We had a list, but most people ignored it anyway. I think we got a gift of some kind, whether a "thing" or cash, from maybe 2/3 of the guests, which was a massive surprise- we thought only the really traditional did gifts in this day and age. (well, DH got gifts at his first wedding, but that family were a bit more...enthusiastic about posessions...than most people (sorry, bitching about the first wife is bad form :) ))

We probably made a profit, tbh, but the gifts were just a lovely thing that our friends and family did for us, unconnected to the wedding.

IN WHAT UNIVERSE does it cost £70 a head for a wedding???? I think ours was maybe £4 or £5, and we thought we had gone a bit OTT on the food. Not very romantic, is it, to spend so much on the wedding? I'd be prenupped to the eyeballs if someone wanted a wedding like that with me.

The gift list was mostly under £10, in fact mostly under £5, so most of the people bought several things from it, which again we really didn't expect.

I'm typing this on our honeymoon anyway- we both took a week off work and have been to the park, out for meals, playing at home, and now we are watching a dvd with the kids :)

larrygrylls · 03/09/2010 16:52

I am amazed at the way people feel it is OK to ask for very expensive gifts of any variety for their wedding. I think that the closer it comes to cash, the tackier it is. It was so much better when it was "a toaster" or something like that. Today, it is a specific toaster from a specific store at a specific price. The couple can then swap it or cash it in (without ever receiving it). The honeymoon "experience" thing does just sound too disgusting. It is hard to put a definition of why but I think there was some (v old) quote from a judge re pornography: "you cannot define it but you know it when you see it". The same definitely goes for tackiness.

As to what we did, we had a list from John Lewis online (majority of gifts £10-50 (plenty at lower end), top about £150). People told me that some people would expect a list and liked to shop online. Not really my personal choice though.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2010 16:53

The best ones I've been to were just big ceilidhs, Prune. No fancy food, no fanfare, just a good ol' piss up with dancing.

No tacky ass demands for cash.

Having said that, I almost always give money as a gift, usually £50-£100. My sister, however, moved from my folks' home to a house she bought with her husband, so I got her a couch she wanted.

If the invite comes with a demand for money, we don't go, just send a card with congratulations.

Original poster
Fimbo · 03/09/2010 16:55

Yip Expat those are the very ones. Nothing like a good old Strip the Willow with a cheesie sarnie thrown in.

OP posts: