Desperately sad 15 year old

[Blueuggboots]

My DS is diagnosed AUDHD. Medicated for his ADHD for the last few months. He is also medicated with sertraline for anxiety which ramped up following a car accident. He’s seen a private psychiatrist and counsellor as well as the psychiatrist for his ADHD.

He moved schools at the beginning of year 10 due to bullying that was making him miserable at his previous school. Loved the new school when he had a taster day. He has been in private school since reception and is academically very able.

Socially he can be a bit much - talks a lot and can get a bit fixated on his specialist subjects but he’s kind and funny and a very loyal friend.

Initially, he was getting on really well but has slowly been excluded by his new friendship group and we are now at the point where no pupils in his year group speak to him at all. He finds this really difficult and has come home this evening and sobbed.

I have spoken to the school at least twice over the last year and nothing has changed.

I can’t home school him. I work full time and then some to pay for his school fees.

any ideas how I can support him to get through the next 6 months? I have emailed the school again and asked them to contact me so they are aware how much this is impacting him.

I feel like a useless parent.

I know bullies shouldn't win and he should be able to go to school but have you thought of online school? My DS had a breakdown the May before the GCSE exams and if I could have my time again I would prioritise his mental health over "the norm" of being in school when it's not the right place for them

I’m so sorry to read this. I had a very similar experience at school myself and my son, aged 14 who has autism has also had bouts of this throughout his school life (he’s at a specialist school for academically able children with autism). I remember things being so bad when I was that age that I’d sit on a bench for science and absolutely everyone else on that bench would get up and move. I didn’t have one friend at all and it destroyed my confidence even into adulthood unfortunately. Things that did help were having as much time off as I needed - I actually had 9 months off school completely, doing work at home - I still did very well academically and was happier being away from school. I then went back into a new school (second time) and things were a bit better. Unfortunately I think once the rot sets in it’s really hard to turn it round.

Does he game online? I know a lot of people are very anti that but my son does and he’s actually met a whole new group of friends that way - I have him set up in a room next to mine so I can clearly hear what he’s up to. I think for a lot of children / teens with autism their online social life is really important to them as it’s a way to branch out without the same face to face expectations. You could even post locally in some sen Facebook groups (there will be some) asking if anyone has a similar teen who could play online / talk online with him.

If things are this bad please don’t continue to send him to school. There must be some home / online options and at 15 he should be able to do these whilst you also work if absolutely necessary.

Are there any other schools you could send him to? Maybe somewhere non-private where there might be a wider range of kids?

It doesn’t sound like proper bullying, just that they don’t want to hang out with him. Which is sad but everyone has the right to make friends of their choosing. Tbh I would try clubs where other intense, ASD boys are likely to hang out. Unfortunately not many people do want to befriend kids who fixate on 1 topic etc

Yes he does game online. He also has a couple of friends out of school who he sees but it’s the day to day social isolation that is upsetting him so much.

@Apotofrealcoffee- he can talk about loads of things, not just one subject. I just meant that sometimes he might go on a bit although this has eased now he’s medicated.

And I agree, no one has to be friends with anyone but literally NO ONE acknowledges him.

I would try scouts.

@Rainallnight- he has 6 months left and I’m not sure how we could move him without impacting his GCSE’s at the point. 2010/2011 was a bumper year for births so a lot of schools are very full.

would he feel better for being at home for these next 6 months? Online school maybe? If he would improve by being pulled out then do so

That is absolutely bullying. Psychological bullying is just as harmful as physical bullying.

I agree with the poster suggesting looking at non private schools. A much broader mix of teens etc.

If not one kid in the whole year group is talking to him that is absolutely bullying.

I’ll look into online school. Does anyone have any suggestions please?

Private schools come with high social expectations and low tolerance of non- conformers. A state school with a wide range of students and many students means everyone finds someone who will tolerate and even like them.
saying from experience - no bullying as such but I could see that in the private school my child was struggling to meet the social norms of being outgoing popular sporty confident (and wealthy).

My undiagnosed unmedicated AuDHD DS somehow made it through school and college but liked neither. He had a catastrophic breakdown during 1st year uni followed by two years of almost daily psychotic episodes, and has taken 6 years to recover, neither studying nor working. Prioritise your DS's mental health if you can, so it doesn't come to this.

This is heartbreaking to read. I'm so sorry for your son. Do you know any of the other Mums? I asked my DS to look out for a younger kid at school as I know his Mum and he was struggling. Even just having my son to say hi to at school throughout the day helped him. Is there someone who could do that for your DS?

I don't subscribe to the idea kids have the 'right' to exclude someone. They of course should get to choose their own friends but they should also have been brought up to treat others with kindness. How hard is it to exchange a few words with another kid in class or the line? I know it isn't hard as I have two teenagers.

I’m sorry OP I don’t have anything useful at all to add but wanted to say how sorry I am for your poor boy. The thought of him going all day without anyone speaking to him is heartbreaking and so so cruel. It absolutely is bullying and I’m sorry you aren’t getting any support from the school.

I have previously spoken to one of the mums and it turned out her son had a similar experience at another school so knows what it’s like to be isolated but it made no difference.

we’ve just spoken to him now and offered to pull him out of school. He’s said he doesn’t want that as he will then be genuinely isolated. He admitted he’d just had a rough afternoon and his bus was late which also upset him.

hes going to go in tomorrow but we’ll organise a meeting with school to ensure he has somewhere he can go at lunch and break so he’s not sat on his own and we will continue to monitor the situation with a very real possibility that we will remove him from daily lessons as required.

we’ve also reminded him that he only has a few months left and then he’ll be moving on to a more specialist place (a sixth form that is based around IT, something he excels at and enjoys) so he is more likely to find his tribe.

thank you all for your kind comments and advice.

And the school should be doing something about it!

Hi @Blueuggboots Not lots to add but just wanted to say it sounds so upsetting and your son sounds lovely and bright. I think getting him as much support from all directions is a good thing - whether or not you move him schools. I don’t think this will be fixed by one change (I’m just thinking out loud - not suggesting that’s a particularly surprising insight) but perhaps keep focusing on every possible little day to day thing that can help while keeping chipping away at a couple of the bigger ones.

What I mean is, the big ones:

1. He is being bullied, and his school should be acting. Like you, they won’t have a magic wand but there will be many subtle ways they can support.
2. The social isolation generally. Other have had good advice on reaching out to others in similar situations, perhaps looking at organisations that can support.

The smaller things:

1. Help him set up and focus on bright spots in his week. It’s wonderful he has some out of school friends - does he see them weekly so he has something to look forward to? Is there a nice family thing you do on a Friday that he loves (something simple like his choice of tea and a film)?
2. Are there any clubs or events, like conventions, for his interests? You said IT. Not sure what is out there but his tribe is somewhere!
3. Keep on talking to him. It will be helping. Open lines of communication and the fact he’s talking to you is very good. Keep keeping an eye on his mental health and seek professional help if needed.

Hopefully he will come through this well with your support and look back on this as a challenging time but one where things ultimately got much better.

Might be worth posting this question as a separate thread so it’s visible to people with knowledge

I agree, that looking into any avenues where he can make new connections is good. My autistic daughter has had similar experiences at school and has gotten through them by having a few strong connections outside school. Anything like this that you can facilitate should help.

I wish he was at the same school as my two, they'd be happy to chat to him - more than he probably wanted in the case of my chatty DD!

He sounds wonderful and very mature saying he can get through the next few months. I'm sure sixth form will be a revelation as he gets to focus on what he loves and finds his tribe.

He is a great lad. He’s really matured over the few months and we’re incredibly proud of him. I just wish he didn’t feel so alone.

he went to a boxing class but struggled there too because he was so anxious. Used to go to cubs but stopped. Used to go to a drama class but stopped that too.
trying to get him to go to D&D but currently too scared…..we’ll keep working on it.

If he does want another online friend, I’m sure my DS would be happy to be allowed some more gaming time.