Desperately sad 15 year old

[Blueuggboots]

My DS is diagnosed AUDHD. Medicated for his ADHD for the last few months. He is also medicated with sertraline for anxiety which ramped up following a car accident. He’s seen a private psychiatrist and counsellor as well as the psychiatrist for his ADHD.

He moved schools at the beginning of year 10 due to bullying that was making him miserable at his previous school. Loved the new school when he had a taster day. He has been in private school since reception and is academically very able.

Socially he can be a bit much - talks a lot and can get a bit fixated on his specialist subjects but he’s kind and funny and a very loyal friend.

Initially, he was getting on really well but has slowly been excluded by his new friendship group and we are now at the point where no pupils in his year group speak to him at all. He finds this really difficult and has come home this evening and sobbed.

I have spoken to the school at least twice over the last year and nothing has changed.

I can’t home school him. I work full time and then some to pay for his school fees.

any ideas how I can support him to get through the next 6 months? I have emailed the school again and asked them to contact me so they are aware how much this is impacting him.

I feel like a useless parent.

@Anarchy99- how would you navigate being excluded EVERY DAY at the age of 15? I’d like to hear your suggestions please.

I don't think so, it's excluding. I always felt very strongly against this as a kid and teen and on two occasions I became the only one to go out of my way to talk to someone who was being ignored. Labelled the 'weirdo'. On each occasion that simple gesture of being kind and inclusive absolutely backfired. The girls decided I was their bestie and clung to me, tried to pull me away from my friends and basically became a thorn in my side. One kid pretty much stalked me following me around and kept getting her mum to set up things with my Mum (which I did at the start) then it became really difficult and stressful for me to pull back. A few years later as a student I was planning on going overseas with my friend, one had a neighbour whose mum asked her parents if she could tag along as she didn't have her own friends. I felt nervous but said yes because I can't bear to hurt someone and we discovered every reason why this girl had no friends. She had no social skills and I won't go into the long story but she ruined our Summer. What I'm saying is there is a reason people don't have friends and they need to work on themselves first instead of blaming the world. That's where autism is so difficult, it's not like they can just decide to change. But they do have potential to change behaviour with tools and self imposed rules. Eg if I have talked more than the other person for 5 mins I need to stop talking now, I'll ask this person if I've gone on too much and then we'll change the topic, I'll make eye contact and say hello when i see classmates outside school but I don't need to say hello every time I pass them in the corridor etc. I am posting this as someone who has a child just like OPs boy and went through something similar a few years ago and I get how heartbreaking it is. Lucky for him he met two boys who are his friends now. They don't mix much with others and for now are on the same wavelength and I'm so grateful for this. I also know if may not last. Sorry I don't have a solution OP just keep working with him on his skills. Practice entering conversation, greetings etc and get him to join clubs. Ds did a coding club for a while, literally every child I met there was just like him. There is a place in the world for him he just has to keep looking

Just ignore that poster, you can't ignore what is happening and you do right to try to get to the bottom of it.

Maybe give him a couple of days off.
Make a formal written complaint.

Academically what were you hoping for? If he gets out of there and gets to a college could he get to where he wants to for post-18?

Bullying by exclusion is bullying.
It happens in toxic environments, usually more likely in smaller schools.

@Dontlletmedownbruce- he has some friends out of school already and gets on really well with them. He’s friendly, kind, funny. He has good social skills because we have drummed this into him. He knows how to behave in social situations.

I totally agree these people are not his tribe. I have no issue with that but being excluded every day is having a massive impact on him.

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Might be worth a look. They do have some in person meet ups according to their website.

It would be worth your son working backwards from the entry requirements for the sixth form setting.

Poor chap. Sounds like the school could have done a lot more.

As in, if he needs 5 GCSEs including English, Maths and Science, it's not worth wrecking his mental health getting more. There's only really another 4 months of teaching left once you account for mocks etc.

Ah I just accidently deleted a very long post. I went out of my way go include excluded kids when I was younger in 2 different schools and on each occasion it totally backfired. The individuals latched onto me, wouldn't let me see my other pals without drama, one pretty much stalked me at school and home. I really regretted what was simply an act of kindness. I remember sitting with one girl for a school tour and not being able to participate in anything and starting to resent her. My point is that people who don't naturally have friends often don't make very good friends either and they need to work on themselves instead of blaming the world. It's extremely difficult with autism but there are social rules that can be learned. How long to talk about something, how to initiate conversation etc. My ds is just like OPs so I do get it and it's heartbreaking. He has two friends now and we are delighted but know it might not last. There is a place for these kids you just need to find it. Coding club is a great place to start.

This.
He could potentially move to state and have heaps of tutoring to get his core subjects.
Or you could get him signed off due to bullying.

Sorry I posted twice for some reason I thought my earlier one was deleted. Sorry for confusion. I can no longer edit too, something is wrong with my app I think

I also recommend online school. My autistic
daughter did it for half of year 10 and all of year 11. I work outside the home every day so she was alone a lot which wasn't ideal but better for her at that time than being in school. She has gone back to school for sixth form. School sounds like a miserable experience for your son.

If you are already paying for private school you will find it cheaper and can supplement with tutors. Look at King's Interhigh or Minerva.

I think this is a really wise post.

Whereas before, ‘excluded’ kids would either have to work on themselves or find their tribe and settle for that, we now try to force other kids to be friends with them, which isn’t fair on anyone.

I doubt everyone is purposefully excluding him. I suspect his friendship group have grown tired of him in some way, and everyone else is just caught up in their own friendship groups and lives.

@tomorrowfollowstoday- he’s doing incredibly well at school despite all the social crsp going on. Expecting 6’s and above, 8’s and maybe a 9 in a couple of subjects.

This makes it harder, but also maybe he could manage as an external with tutoring.

I’m so sad to read this OP, it’s heartbreaking.
My daughter has had times at school when it has been similar and it has been very hard.
I don’t really know what to suggest, I wish I did.
We’ve always tried to tell her it will get better and she only needs one friend (which she does now have.)

My dad used to tell me you need to learn to manage without other people because you can never rely on them. I don’t know if that would help or not.