Desperately sad 15 year old

[Blueuggboots]

My DS is diagnosed AUDHD. Medicated for his ADHD for the last few months. He is also medicated with sertraline for anxiety which ramped up following a car accident. He’s seen a private psychiatrist and counsellor as well as the psychiatrist for his ADHD.

He moved schools at the beginning of year 10 due to bullying that was making him miserable at his previous school. Loved the new school when he had a taster day. He has been in private school since reception and is academically very able.

Socially he can be a bit much - talks a lot and can get a bit fixated on his specialist subjects but he’s kind and funny and a very loyal friend.

Initially, he was getting on really well but has slowly been excluded by his new friendship group and we are now at the point where no pupils in his year group speak to him at all. He finds this really difficult and has come home this evening and sobbed.

I have spoken to the school at least twice over the last year and nothing has changed.

I can’t home school him. I work full time and then some to pay for his school fees.

any ideas how I can support him to get through the next 6 months? I have emailed the school again and asked them to contact me so they are aware how much this is impacting him.

I feel like a useless parent.

@AlexFurbison- oh yes! Minecraft, phasmophibia….

we have a meeting with school next Friday. We’re still considering pulling him. He was upset again last night.

I think I’d want to understand why he’s not being spoken to at school, it’s genuinely strange that no one is speaking to him. I mean there are likely other autistic children in his year? I don’t know private schools though.

I also would be expecting school to come up with a plan of social support as well as expecting to work with my kid on some social norms, e.g. my kid is an info dumper, it’s been crucial to emphasise turn taking in conversation. Without turn taking it’s hard to access conversation at all.

I would want to understand more about the whole “no one talks to him” situation. Does he talk to them , or waits for them to approach him? Do they ignore him if he says hi or asks for a rubber? If they do group work is he being completely ignored?

Are there any lunch clubs or after school clubs he could join so he can interact with them in a smaller , supervised group?

He tries to talk to people and they just blank him.

His original friendship group fell out with him because one girl took offence and claimed he used the word “tranny” in a conversation. he swears he didn’t but come on?! These kids need a fucking reality check if you stop speaking to someone because they allegedly use a single word you find offensive. He’s apologised (even though he still swears blind he didn’t use that word and he is very switched on with being inclusive etc) and they still blank him. One of them will speak to him if no one else is there. This girl stands away from him in queues etc and makes a big deal of not talking to him. (He’s never been inappropriate with any one sexually as he knows how to behave as well so it’s definitely not that! He’s not confident enough to approach girls).

he says he gets blanked in lessons too. They have very small classes. 3 in music, 5 in computer science.

He CAN be a bit much BUT he knows this and is careful not to overload people. Since being medicated for ADHD this is much much better. I see him engaging very well with friends outside school with plenty of back and forth so I don’t think it’s that.

I have asked the school for a frank conversation about what they see as the problems. I’m not a parent who believes their child is an angel.

This is awful, and yes will be hurting him. Good luck with the teacher I hope he can have some support soon at school.

The really small classes helps to understand the situation a lot more and it makes sense now. I assume the year group is fairly small as well? The school needs to help reintegrate him socially. Do you think they’d be interested in helping?
Are there other children on the periphery that he could try and strike a friendship with?

@VioletsTale- he does have one friend who is in upper sixth but obviously they have different timetables so he doesn’t get to see him a lot.

the school is pretty small (450 kids from reception to sixth form) and I think there are about 55 kids in his year. A lot of them have been at the school their whole school journey whilst he only joined in year 10.

Theres a group of year 10 kids who have discovered his online gaming name and keep shouting it at him. He’s asked them to stop so they now shout his own name at him every time they see him. They do this out of school too when he waiting for transport home.

didn’t sound a big deal but it drives him MAD as he knows they’re not doing it to be nice.

@VioletsTale- he says they blank him in lessons too, even during group activities. They would pass him something if he asked but don’t speak. He attempts to join in conversation and they either ignore him or all stop talking.

@OldUserNewNameNow- I understand what you’re saying but this school is know to have a wide range of children and they aren’t as rigid as some more traditional private schools.

I'd be ashamed if my DC thought it okay for someone to be socially isolated and sat alone all the time. They don't have to be besties with everyone but I'd expect polite conversation and inviting them to sit with them for lunch when they see them alone.
We're becoming such an individualistic society, it's sad.

So there’s definitely bullying going on. Seclusion and winding him up. I’m sorry for all the questions I was just trying to figure out exactly what the situation is. School would be an option, see what they say and if they have a clear plan, no wishy washy “we’ll keep an eye” or “see if we can pair him up with a buddy”. If no luck, his options are possibly online schooling at home (through the school-preferably-, or another provider) or moving schools. Such a small year group makes things incredibly tricky. Talk to him honestly, can he last the next 6 months if things stay the way they are ?

What you have described is definitely bullying, this would break anyone let alone a teenager with additional needs. I would write a letter describing what you’ve written here, it needs to be understood by the school that this is not just blanking someone.

i wish we could all teach our kids to be kinder! That girl sounds horrible.

he spoke to the teacher we have a meeting with before the summer holidays. She said let’s see how it goes when you come back after the holidays. But we’re now months past the holidays and it’s no better.
he reached out to the friend who will speak to him on their own over the holidays and invited him out but he said he was busy.

we keep telling him these people are not his tribe but it’s shit. Especially when we’d moved him from the previous school because of bullying. He now thinks it’s him. 😔

In a hurry so just a few thoughts:

I work in a private school and our parents would be up in arms about this type of behaviour/bullying. It’s not acceptable in any school but they feel that paying fees means they expect quick action.

Does the school have a SEN room where he can hang out at break/lunch?

I would definitely consider online school. Our dd had a late diagnosis os ASD and school was incredibly stressful for her. I wish we had removed her sooner rather than battling on.

He may be a bit young at the moment but you could look at the gaming shops that host regular games of Magic The Gathering or Warhammer type games. He may find his people there.

I have asked about somewhere he can hang out but not really received an answer.

I do think that he stays in the playground area in the hope they will have a change of heart and suddenly start talking to him.

That’s not acceptable, and what I meant in a previous post about requesting a clear plan from them, rather than wishy washy answers.

At DD’s school they can spend the whole break/lunch in the canteen or in the library (reading or on the computers) if any children need a quieter space. There are also quite a few lunch clubs of various interests. This is a bog standard state school.

we have a meeting on Friday with a number if the SLT.

so I will be asking:

1. what do they know about this blanking and what have they done to investigate it? Have teachers noticed it in classes.
2. is there a specific teacher who has been tasked with supporting him?
3. where can he go to avoid being obviously ostracised at break and lunch?
4. can we pull him out of physical lessons but still get the content sent over and him do his GCSE’s at the school?

This sounds good, I wouldn’t know what to add but others might have suggestions. Re your last line of your op you’re not useless at all. You’re listening to him and acting on it.

It is really important they respond on this as his MH is suffering.

It sounds like the girl is the person who the others look up to - so she is setting the tone for the others. It absolutely needs to be brought home to them all that is IS bullying if they have all, en masse, decided to exclude him.

Im a parent of a diagnosed autistic child (now a young adult) who went through similar in primary. We moved her and the new primary had more neurodivergent children who got her. She didn’t have loads of friends, but the two she did make are still good friends now.

I also work in a school and see it from the other side. Some children just see others that are different and shun them. It is usually because they don’t know how to interact with them and therefore get embarrassed and to cover what they perceive as their own inadequacy, they focus on the “quirky” child. (Some of the bullies are also neurodivergent themselves and become fixated, bear grudges and can’t move on.)

The main instigator for my own DCs bullying has a troubled background whose parent was known to the school. The parent did not agree her child was a bully at all so the school knew the parent was not supportive of any intervention put in place.

The culture of the school he is at - is it one that is supportive? Welcoming of everyone? Is pastoral care strong? SENDCO visible? If yes, then hopefully this can be resolved and your DS gets the support he needs.

Yes, she is. DS perceives that everyone loves her - I’ve pointed out it’s more likely that they’re a bit scared of her as they see how he has been treated…..

This is absolutely bullying. I am sorry he's dealing with this. It is the worst.

Take a written list of the points you want to make so you don't forget anything. Don't call it "blanking". Call it bullying because that is what it is.

Does the school have a bullying policy? Have a look on their website and see what you can find. Or look on other schools and see what they have.

A safe space at break and lunch should be easy to do. Absolutely they must do that. Letting him leave early to get a different bus, coming in a few minutes later in the morning so he's not hanging around in the playground or classroom unstructured.

Having been through this too I think his mental well being is the most important thing. I would be torn too though, with him being so close to gcse. It's a balance between "just a few more months" and however many actual days that is he has to go into school to be miserable. That's a lot of days. Nearly half a year. I would be finding ways to keep him at home.

@anonymoususer9876- they SAY they are very supportive and will not tolerate any bullying. They do have SENDCO support, yes.

Yes I wouldn’t force it, he sounds distressed. He will be helped by the op and school saying he has options to not go in and access in other ways.

To add if there is an instigator bring that up too. The girl could be spoken with to guide behaviour.

Time for them to prove it @Blueuggboots

Make sure you’re familiar with their SEND and bullying/behaviour policies before the meeting. What would your DS like to happen so that he feels accepted and supported?

I have downloaded the anti-bullying policy, behaviour policy, MH wellbeing policy, child protection policy, SEND policy.