DH away for days, then moans at me

[DrWhosJazzyScarf]

Apologies if you’ve suffered any of my posts before.

DH and I have a very up and down relationship and I just can’t quite make myself leave. He’s generally very hands off with our child, and I’m exhausted of doing it all.

For the last four days of half term, he was away with his hobby (something that happens several times a year). That left me alone with our child who is just about to turn 3 and an absolute bloody nightmare.

Anyway, the morning after his return, after I’ve held the fort for four days, he complains that I didn’t box up the leftovers. ‘I’d have thought you’d have at least sorted that - I don’t want to work in a room that smells of old dinner’ (it’s a through kitchen/lounge).

I'm livid. Sent him a very firm message about feeling taken for granted. He made more effort when I got home yesterday, but then delegated bedtime to me as ‘DC is being difficult - you’ll have to do it. She just wants attention.’

I feel like I’m going mad. Wise ones of MN - am I overreacting? Am I being reasonable?

Nope. He's a bell.

Do you have a job? Is DD in pre school?

YANBU. He sounds selfish, lazy and happy to opt out of parenting whenever he feels like it. It's extremely unattractive. Please make sure you have four days away soon and equal 'off' time - don't worry if it's not for a hobby (or you can make one up - yoga retreat?!) just make sure he's left alone to parent.

With this one example it’s hard to say, leaving dinner out over night to come into in the morning wouldn’t really be acceptable in our house either and it would annoy both of us.

I do - full time, leadership in school. He works from home in an industry linked to his hobby.

It gets worse, I assumed you were a SAHM from the stuff you do and his reaction.

I appreciate that - it’s a bit gross. But bearing in mind I’d been run ragged for four days and couldn’t access the bin store… is this not something he could have sorted?

There are more examples like this - he nitpicks a lot (‘why is this not on a plate?’ ‘Why haven’t you packed a different snack for DC?’ Etc)

Nope. Just a mug, it would appear!

Honestly you are a single parent now anyway

I would be quietly having initial consultation with family lawyers.

And I'd be looking to tell him to fuck off snd do it sooner rather than later.

Otherwise when you fivorfe this useless lump will also take 50% of the assets if not more

It’s about time for you to book a few days away and leave him in charge of LO and home. Make sure you give him a list of complaints when you get back. With your job, this will have to be a weekend but make sure you go straight from/to work Friday and Monday.

It sounds stressful.

Op having a job gives her options.

Absolutely. I meant he was worse, not her. If she's working FT and he's nitpicking.

Honestly OP at this point you have to take some responsibility for the situation. You can’t control him, you can control yourself. He’s shown you who he is, why are you expecting anything else? The relationship is over, have some self respect for yourself and your child and end it. Messaging him you feel “taken for granted” is just a bit pathetic by this point, he’s making a fool of you.

Not that it makes that much difference as he’s had a break for a few days so could help out anyway but was he home for dinner, i.e. ate the dinner you prepared and then expected you to clear up? If so that makes it even worse.

He must have worn you down over a long period of time because someone who’s capable and dynamic enough to be in a leadership role at a school wouldn’t be putting up with being treated like a skivvy if they hadn’t been undermined. You deserve so much better. He won’t change because he doesn’t respect you and thinks he’s king of the world. I’m sorry but you would be better off alone than without this clown. At least you wouldn’t be clearing up after him and putting up with his sodding hobby.

Just to be clear no one should be nitpicking or undermining whether she’s a SAHM or works outside the home she still deserves respect.

All of this just for the lifestyle that the second salary brings? Is it worth it?

I looked into this about a year ago, so still have the contacts. As an aside, I am the only child of a wealthy parent, so the financial side of things is also a concern. Currently, I’m the breadwinner and have a good pension lined up. I’ve accepted that this is likely collateral damage if/when we split.

My mum and friends have said exactly this. Looking at Feb half term.

In your shoes I'd arrange a nice trip away for a a few days and leave him to hold the fort.

Ouch! But I appreciate the short, sharp shock. And I know. It’s been a slow decline over a number of years, combined with horrendous challenges along the way (think family loss, infertility etc). But I do take accountability for this, and that’s why I’m trying to sort things before my child recognises what a piss poor role model I’ve been.

The dinner was cooked for the family, so he had a decent portion too.

Did his hands fall off? Couldn’t take two minutes to resolve a situation that was only affecting him? He’s an entitled misogynist. Bin.

Why would your parents wealth be a concern? He can’t make a claim on their money

@Junglejuneand you’re right, on paper I’m no fool! And in my day job, I suffer no fools. I think it’s that classic case of when things are good, they’re great. But when they’re bad, they’re bad. He’s very funny and charming, and I think that this has disarmed me when I’ve called him out on something.

@FrauPaige
I'm going to assume here that you're suggesting the husband quits his job and is a stay at home Dad. So that he has more time for his hobby AND keeping the house to his liking?

You're not suggesting that a wife's first priority should be the child and home and that she's being unreasonable letting her pesky job getting in the way of having things nice for when the boss comes home. Right!? Or did you post on the wrong thread?

If you know this, just pull the bandage off sooner rather than later. The longer the marriage is the worse it is (and co habiting premarriage now counts - good times)

I also think looking at my own 4 yo it would be easier to leave when they are younger. Emotionally theres a big difference between 3 and 4 imo.