DH away for days, then moans at me

[DrWhosJazzyScarf]

Apologies if you’ve suffered any of my posts before.

DH and I have a very up and down relationship and I just can’t quite make myself leave. He’s generally very hands off with our child, and I’m exhausted of doing it all.

For the last four days of half term, he was away with his hobby (something that happens several times a year). That left me alone with our child who is just about to turn 3 and an absolute bloody nightmare.

Anyway, the morning after his return, after I’ve held the fort for four days, he complains that I didn’t box up the leftovers. ‘I’d have thought you’d have at least sorted that - I don’t want to work in a room that smells of old dinner’ (it’s a through kitchen/lounge).

I'm livid. Sent him a very firm message about feeling taken for granted. He made more effort when I got home yesterday, but then delegated bedtime to me as ‘DC is being difficult - you’ll have to do it. She just wants attention.’

I feel like I’m going mad. Wise ones of MN - am I overreacting? Am I being reasonable?

It sounds that this time, OP, he has over stepped the line so much that you are done with him.
You sound sad but also empowered to act. You are on your way to better things so his four day lazy escape has in fact served as the catalyst. This might also serve as a an impetus to win back some teatime energy. You will find a second wind when you don’t need to put him in the equation.

The problem is unless you do it yourself you don’t really have any idea how consuming it is
you need to had the reins over more

If she inherited before divorce, couldn’t he claim half?

Why can’t you ‘quite make myself leave’?

you have a good job, he only brings negativity to your life, you defo need to go before you get your inheritance, your life would be easier, your life would be happier, your dds life would be happier as pleasant atmosphere, he’s an arsehole

im not sure what’s stopping you?

Not normally no unless it’s become part of the family pot, e.g. paid off the mortgage or in the joint account. Although you’d have to consult a lawyer on the specific circumstances. That was what my lawyer told me. Although I wonder if you dumped him OP he’d give up the hobby job and claim he needed maintenance the poor lamb.

They always are….

Everyone unless they are married to him thinks my STBXH is the loveliest person ever! I wish I hadn’t waited so long OP. It’s taken me until my 60s but even then it feels liberating. But I wish I hadn’t waited so long and made so many excuses for him.

Honestly when I read these threads I feel sure they’ve all been on the same course as they say identical things!!!

That is on you, tell him he was despertate to be a father and had plans before he became a father and went back on those plans so you are leaving as you would have thought very carefully before being a parent with him

It is only on you to make that choice no one iff he is not good then don't stay with him

You will need careful consideration and excellent legal advice in this situation. Have a long term strategy, “get ducks in a row” etc

He doesn’t respect you. Once you accept that it will be a little bit easier to detach.

I think also you need to go away for a few days and then come back with a list of your complaints. He needs to look after his own child alone for a while (reality might set in) and you need a break. Even just a Travelodge for a few nights.

Finally, what is going on with the 3 yo that is making bedtimes etc such hard work? If you explain maybe people can advise.

I think you should go and read the Women's Aid website. Smart, confident, successful woman brought down by inferior man is the story of the last 100 years. Read about patterns of behaviour, especially narcissists, and see if you think any of it matches. He may not be an abuser but he definitely sounds like he doesn't treat you with love and respect.

I think you’re right here - it does feel a bit ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’. He’s very straightforward when we have disagreements - his soundbite is, ‘all couples row. This was just a disagreement - move on’ and gets quite cross if I try to tell him I feel it’s becoming a pattern, rather than a one-off incident to move on from. I do need to book in those days away, if for no other reason than to get my head straight.

I’m not entirely sure either. Perhaps fear of getting it wrong? That I’m perhaps overreacting and would have been better off staying? I have OCD and can spiral into negative thoughts.

And because, even though I can stand him right now, some part of me does love him.

Thank you - all good advice.

The three year old is just exercising her power to refuse at the moment! Refusing to stay in bed, to go to sleep (she’s having horrible nightmares at the moment and shouting out for me). Because she goes to bed a little later than is ideal (she’s still not quite ready to drop her nap though) I put her to bed and sleep with her at the same time. So now she will only settle with me. Not ideal, but it’s some comfort at the moment.

Every task he nags (micromanages) you at ,hand it over to him immediately, ‘here you go, your obviously better at this than me’ or ‘feel free to put it on a plate yourself ‘ then leave the room. he won’t step up but is happy to tell you what you’re doing is wrong. Parenting is 50/50 regardless of who works more hours,in or out the house.

Sounds like little one is having night terrors, my son had these about age 3-4 . They weren’t fun , if you tried to console them you became part of the terror and they’d scream more. Had to ride it thru. Lack of sleep adds onto the pressure

He doesn’t want to be there

she’s having horrible nightmares at the moment and shouting out for me

She's picking up on the atmosphere in the house.

OP, yes please take off for some days for yourself. It will clear your head being out of that horrible situation at home and help you decide on future steps.

It will also show him how it will be if he wants to co-parent.

I'm divorced - he walked out at our DC's when he was 6 months old.

It's a breath of fresh air compared to living with a difficult, selfish man.

@DrWhosJazzyScarf I am going to briefly stand in place for your friends and the people who love you most. They would tell you: you deserve so much better than being this disgruntled man’s main complaint. You are clearly clever, successful and worth so much more.

Leave him, enjoy living your own life and remember threenagers DO get easier - shit husbands don’t x

It's not just her job though, he has hands and could have also done it...

He's a cunt.

Leave, or if you're not going to, punt everything back to him.
‘Why is this not on a plate?’ 'Feel free to plate it if you need to.'
‘Why haven’t you packed a different snack for DC?’ 'Feel free to pack her something else if you'd rather.'

You will always be better off leaving sooner rather than later if there is likely to be any significant inheritance involved for you. Maybe that can be the focus that you need to encourage you to make the leap.

Imagine yourself at 80 yo looking back over your life in two situations…1) you left him now and 2) stuck with him. Which situation would leave you with the most regret?

Life is too short to put up with his nonsense. End it now and be happy again.

Similar to this, when my DH forgets his place and says things like this, I throw it back with, 'I don't know, why didn't you do it?' because I'm not the only responsible adult in the house capable of doing things or making decisions, he soon shuts up!