How to get my kids to stop smothering their cousin

[Onhydra]

My children aged 5 and 3 adore their little cousin who is 10 months.
They love to hug her, hold onto the pram, tickle her. Which most of the time she seems to love.
However I can tell it’s really grating on her parents and I don’t know how to get my children to leave her alone without somehow damaging their relationship?
I never got to see my cousins growing up so I want them to foster a positive cousin relationship so am worried about ruining anything.

I think I'd try to work out why it is grating on the little one's parents and direct from there. Because it might be that they don't mind so much, but just flinch at the perceived "risk" and want to make sure they're being really gentle.

I was so overbearing with my daughter. She was my precious miracle baby and older toddlers trying to cuddle and engage with her, even when she was pretty robust herself, gave me palpitations! The germs! The accidental squeeze! The potential for bumps!
Now she's nearly four, obsessed with babies, and I'm the one making sure I check in with other parents first and then saying: "Gently, Alice! Gently!" on repeat like a mad parrot, trying to show that I'm on it - although editing to add that Al is always gentle. It is just my need to signal that I get it and we're being careful.

Do your kids check first how the baby is? I try to get Alice to ask: "Can I tickle his toes?" Or "Is he ready for a cuddle?" - whatever it is she wants to do. It shows that we're mindful of the baby and gives the parents a chance to express it they'd rather she did not do the thing.

Ah, so there we have it. You ask how to get your kids to stop smothering their cousin (your words) but in reality you don't actually want to. So you won't.

I’m really confused as to thy they’re annoyed if the baby is giggling along and enjoying it. Case of PFB perhaps? I don’t know why you’re stopping your kids they aren’t doing anything wrong.

Keep them away from the baby - don’t all meet up until they lose interest a bit.

honestly you need to use your grown up words.

next time they're pulling a face ask "is everything ok?
and if you really can't talk to them, get your husband to speak to his sibling.

ñ

Talk to the parents and see what they’re comfortable with? In a few years the baby will be the annoying toddler chasing after the big kids who will want nothing to do with her but the parents can’t see that yet!

Tell them sharply - LEAVE HER/HIM ALONE!!!

If they disobey you then take them home immediately and set a punishment for disobedience.

AKA Parenting.

I had this when DC was small. 2 cousins 3 & 6 who were all over them ALL the time. Waking them up, getting in the car when they arrived. It was so bad that they didn't like little blonde females for a very long time. Even screamed if one walked in the room. Control your children, she's not a toy.

Your job is to stop this happening. Every time.

Just stop them. It's not rocket science. 🙄

I love all the parents on here who alllllll have kids who listen every time you tell them to do something. Clearly you don’t have rambunctious boys who don’t listen

Plenty of people, myself included, have said that you have to a) say things a million times at that age and b) physically intervene, distract, remove, give them something else to do.

My son is great at rules and he still needs reminding loads - because he's three, and his impulse control hardly exists yet.

People are only saying these things to you because you seem to shrug it off on the grounds that you've told them - but even easy kids have to be shown/told/modelled things a million times.

Once is never enough.

How is he great at rules then if he needs reminding loads? 🤔

What are the consequences when they don't listen?

If the parents don't want them always at the baby, tell them once. They do it again, you leave. They don't listen, they don't get to do what they want. The visit ends.

A baby is not a toy.

Do you excuse their behaviour because they are boys?

To the cousin's parents your boys will look enormous compared to their baby. As you describe them as rambunctious I am assuming they are not always as gentle as they could be. You need to parent

Why are you being so rude to posters who were trying to be kind to you.

This thread is about your parenting struggles, not mine, but since you obviously need educating...

Children learn situationally. Which means that they need to hear the same rule and variations of the rule multiple times to understand it and apply it in context, even if it seems like a no-brainer.

"No shouting inside" = except a soft play is inside, and shouting is normal there. Or if we're playing a silly game. And it's not ok to shout outside if say, you're attending a funeral.

When their brains are building, they are literally building synapses which create stronger associations with repetitions, and link to other pieces of information that build up their behaviour.

Now, my son is lively but he likes rules. He will chirp up giving his playmates instructions, repeat things we've told him. But sometimes there's a balloon or he's tired or he's hungry and the rule and the correct behaviour is forgotten because right now, he wants the shiny thing, or the snack or has feelings he can't articulate yet.

But let's talk more about YOUR child's behaviour, since I can keep my son off his baby cousins.

What do you do apart from saying "don't do that" before coming to MN because you're all out of ideas?

Where is the other parent in this? What do they do?

LOL.

Removal from the situation, star charts, removal of toys, pep talks before going somewhere, praise for good behaviour.

I do think PFB is coming into it a lot plus brother in law isn’t a massive fan of kids despite now having one

Oh no consequences. OP agrees with the kids that they are cute and should do whatever they want. What could possibly go wrong 🤦🏻‍♀️

Not sure why you started the thread then.

Maybe BIL just isn't a massive fan of "rambunctious boys who don’t listen" whose wet lettuce mother just whines 'don't do that' like an ineffectual Joyce Grenfell.

This baffles me. You constantly allow your children to go over and hug and tickle a baby when the parents don't like it.

I don't blame them objecting to rambunctious boys who don’t listen and a mother who doesn't listen either. Imagine how annoying that must be for the parents AND for the baby!

Tell them to leave the baby alone, if they don't you REMOVE them physically. What kind of parenting is this? I don’t know how to get my children to leave her alone Ummm maybe just parent them?

I want them to foster a positive cousin relationship so am worried about ruining anything.. you are ruining it with what you allow!

Exactly, @Rabbitinahabit - @Onhydra, you need to tell your boys to leave their cousin alone, and physically remove them if/when they don’t listen. Over and over again.

And I am speaking as someone who raised three boys, so I know children don’t always listen first time - or even tenth time - but you are the adult, so you need to keep reiterating the lesson, because you do know that their behaviour is annoying the baby’s parents, and you have it in your power to stop the behaviour - even if that means physically stopping them every single time they go to cuddle/tickle/squish the baby. Yes, it will be tedious and tiring, but that is what you need to do.