My DM has no support network except for her adult DS (me) - looking for input from mums

[SereneOliveWasp]

I’d like to explain what has led to me deciding to boldly (perhaps stupidly would be more apt) enter the virtual lionesses’ den of MN today. My mum is in her early 60s and has one adult DC (me). She is also retired. She has no support network aside from me. I am, for all intents and purposes, her rock. I have no doubt she would describe me in that way if asked. When she has concerns or worries about anything, I am the first person she shares them with. I am her de facto closest friend and confidant. She is a very dear person to me. But here is the issue. While I wouldn’t like to imply she is hard work or anything like that, I feel as though she needs people in her life aside from me whom she can rely on, especially as she edges towards her 70s. I think it would benefit her to have more people in her life aside from me - friends, acquaintances and such like. If it wasn’t for me, she would likely be in a situation that older adults with no friends or relatives can sadly find themselves in, where they can go for weeks or months on end without having any meaningful human interaction. The thought of her being in that situation is quite upsetting to me. As things stand, she has 2 surviving siblings, but they don’t seem to view her as a priority. She sees them once a year at most. I personally would like it if they made more of an effort with her, but I don’t feel like it’s my place to ask them to. She has a few other distant relatives whom she sees or interacts with even less often. She has no partner or husband, and also has no DGCs. She has a few friends but doesn’t see them that often. She has said she “doesn’t want to impose on them”. I believe having more people in her life generally would be beneficial to her.

I have some thoughts of my own about things which I believe could improve my DM’s circumstances. I have mentioned these to her but she has been dismissive of them. The first thing is that I think it would behoove her to try to find a romantic partner. This would give her someone to share her life with, and could also give her opportunities to widen her social circle. She doesn’t go online and has a deep distrust of the internet. She also has a smartphone, but doesn’t use it for anything other than making or receiving calls. Her reluctance to engage with the internet is certainly an issue. She also has a few other things going on. She told me recently that her medical records from her GP have her listed as being menopausal and depressed under chronic conditions. That may be factually correct, but I’m sure most women wouldn’t exactly be thrilled about being described in a way that makes it sound like that’s all they are. She may be just a "depressed menopausal woman" in the eyes of healthcare staff, but she is obviously more than that to me.

I’d like to ask for the opinions of women whom I imagine will share many of the same qualities as my DM, and those who are at a similar stage of life - particularly 50+ mums with adult DCs. She has a very caring nature and, despite her advancing years, she remains in full possession of her faculties. I’m hopeful that will remain the case for as long as possible. Something I wanted to ask specifically is, how unusual would you consider it to be for a woman of my DM’s age to effectively have no support network aside from adult DCs (or just one DC in this case)? Also, do you think I’m BU to suggest that she should look into dating apps with the goal of finding a partner? Any other thoughts regarding her situation?

Retired. It’s in the Op

I’m actually more of a twat.

I give less fucks and tell people to fuck off more - channeling my inner Dame Helen Mirren

He is there for her and helps her, he only wants the best for her to the point he has come here asking for help to help her…what am I missing here?

AI queries and LLMs. MN is absolutely flooded with these at the moment.

She hasn’t asked for his help. He’s tired of being her sole emotional outlet, which is perfectly understandable, but the only actions he can control are his own. If he wants to be less involved in his mother’s life than that’s what he should do.

It’s weird, and frankly naive, that he thinks a woman who has no friends and doesn’t use the internet should ‘just’ find herself a romantic partner to take over the job from him. I mean, you could be putting her at risk, OP.

@SereneOliveWasp I'm quite antisocial myself (46) with teens at home. I would never lean on them for support though and I think this is the problem with your relationship. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness and don't give anything more (time) than you want to give.

If a adult child told em this it would probably result in the first bad feeling ever... Perfectly happy with a very quiet life not all of us want to date, join people etc

@SereneOliveWasp i find your whole tone very patronising. " Entering the virtual lions den". We are not here to pander to your " ideals" of what a woman wants.
If your mum is happy then surely that's all that matters??
Yes she probably could do with a better social life. But " to behoove her to try and find a romantic partner????
I really feel sorry for her the way you talk about her

despite her advancing years, she remains in full possession of her faculties You are missing this statement above, she's in her early 60s!!!!!

Is it depression and/or menopause that the op is trying to fix for his Mum - I'm going to suggest he asks her what she'd like to do to help her feel better - I'd suggest medication/exercise/talking therapy/a hobby.

No one needs anyone poking about their romantic lives - no bloody way would I want another man in my life. I wouldn't suggest that idea to my dd or my best friend.

Yeah it’s definitely not a find a boyfriend for her kind of situation. He just needs to encourage her to find other people to bond with

I am grateful for the replies I've received. Some were perhaps a tad harsh, but I thought that would be the case. Amongst the replies, some definitely resonated with me and I'd like to respond to these individually. @Mischance was spot on. I'm the only child of a single mum. I feel as though we haven't made the emotional break that normally happens when an adult DC flies the nest. I wonder if mums with only one DC can sometimes struggle with this adjustment more than those with multiple DCs. I personally don't know anyone else who is an only child aside from me, so I'm not sure, but it wouldn't surprise me. Also, I have my own life and home but no partner unfortunately.

I feel somewhat torn about becoming less available to my DM. There's a part of me that feels like it might be a good idea, but also I worry about the consequences of that. Being in her 60s, I feel she is at that point in life where people's health situations can change for the worse quite quickly, particularly if they aren't active or taking care of themselves. She has a few ailments - nothing major, but enough to make me worry. I also worry about what would happen if I was to pass away before my mum or become incapacitated. I worry that she would end up in a situation with people trying to take advantage of her, and wouldn't have anyone in her life who actually has her best interests at heart. I also recently learned about the concept of toxic enmeshment. I feel as if the relationship between me and DM may feature some characteristics of that. I'm someone who worries a lot generally, but so is my DM to a far greater extent.

1. It is not her siblings responsibility to make more effort with her. Relationships go two ways. Clearly she is a person that puts little effort into relationships. That is her choice. And these are her consequences.

1. It is not your job to encourage her to date or make friends. You are her son. Yes it is inappropriate she is leaning so much on you and treating you like her best friend instead of her son. But you are also treating her like your friend (or actually more like your own teen/young adult child).

You need to cut the apron strings. Talk to her but stop getting involved. Stop trying to improve her life. She's a full grown woman. If she wants a boyfriend she knows what to do. She can find hobbies or local coffee mornings. She could even just take the initiative to decide she wants to try something like that and ask you "could you look on the internet for places I can go chat to other people?" That'd be a start.

So. No this isn't anyone else's responsibility. This isn't your responsibility. Stop enabling your mother.

Youve totally ignored the posts pointing out that early 60s is not old. It’s normal healthy working age.

Im an only child of a single parent (herself also an only child if we’re playing top trumps btw….).

I'm 68 and with you!

A pp said "These days it's not usual for an older person to not have a support network.", but I wouldn't describe someone in their early 60s as "an older person" these days. Many are still working, have hobbies and enjoy social activities. This doesn't really sound like an age thing to me.

My mum is also early 60s. She doesn't have a massive social circle (family of introverts, I don't either!) but she has a friend she sees about once a month and another who lives further away she meets for weekends away a couple of times a year (which she confidently books online).
It is a shame that your DM doesn't feel confident that her friends would want to spend time with her. She might not like the GP description but sadly it sounds accurate. That's not for you to fix though, she has to make changes herself if she wants things to change.

However if it's just you that wants things to change, that's different. You need to talk to her if you're feeling too much pressure being the only one she will spend time with (which I do think is a valid way to feel!). She might not feel the need to replace some of that time with a partner or social life 🤷‍♀️

She might have some catastrophic illness but on the other hand she might live into her 90s, not unusual now. So you've got 30 years of being at her beck and call - unable to form your own relationships (unless they're happy to take on an aged relative who needs looking after) with the care becoming more intense and demanding as decades pass.
You need to sort out power of attorney and get her money invested so there is less chance of her being embezzled
But living with a person who takes advantage of her money might be happier for her than what she has now

Hi @SereneOliveWasp I can see why you ask this question here as it’s called MN and you want to help your mum but as you expected there’s a few unnecessarily harsh replies. I work in public service and for every person getting angry of 60 not being old I could show you many men and women drastically older than their years and who are more isolated than your mum so your right to be concerned.

Stating the obvious you can only encourage change and if she doesn’t want to then you can make her. Getting a dog or joining a hobby group even a local council gym (ours is like and over 60s hub) .Is something she could do.

I Think your idea of getting her a date is a bad idea as pp said mot women are happier on their own and it sounds like she been alone for a while. maybe you living your best life finding a partner yourself may give your mum a new interest or friendship as you can only real control that .

Be extremly cautious with suggesting dating apps for your mother, in view of her vulnerability. Dating apps are a magnet for unscrupulus and predatory induviduals who take advantage of vulnerable people, especially women.

From what you say in your OP it sounds like she is suffering from quite low esteem, I'm not sure dating is the right answer here.

I would look around for opportunities for volunteering and encourage her to try that. It might help if she feels she is needed and doing good work at a food bank or something similar.

I know it's hard to do but I think you do need to withdraw a bit because she won't take any action unless you do

You cannot live your life by ‘what if’ @SereneOliveWasp so you have to stop thinking too much about what if you died before her. I don’t mean do nothing (it’s a good idea to sort Will, documents, engage a solicitor to handle stuff maybe) but you shouldn’t tie yourself in knots. You’re right that you should both not be completely dependent on each other … and you both (at least you) need to have some boundaries to make sure expectations are set. Difficult if she is disengaging though.

Early 60s, blimey!

My retirement age is 68, not much chance for the rest of us to ever be in this situation-we’ll all still be working full time!

You say her siblings don’t bother with her…does she bother with them?

She needs a hobby. U3A, golf, rambling, book club, volunteering etc etc to stop you being her sole social life.

Eh? At her age I'd just crossed the world to take up a new teaching post and 8 more years of working in a highly challenging academic environment...

My mums a little older than yours but until my dad died a few years ago he was her everything so doesn’t really have many people but me. I’m always trying to encourage her to join things etc but doesn’t work. She has done a few things but nothing I suggested. So pretty sure she needs to figure it out for herself. I worry if I wasn’t here what would happen. I do have a sibling but he’s rubbish. I think there adults so they need to figure stuff out for themselves.

You've been placed in a parentifying position by your mum and need to cut yourself some space. Only you can do that and only she can improve her social life because that takes motivation and persistence. (Forget the dating thing entirely.) Withdrawing a bit and some plain talking as to why might be the thing that propels her to act. But if it doesn't, protect yourself and make sure she doesn't take up an excessive amount of your time. It's great that you care but don't take this all on yourself.