My DM has no support network except for her adult DS (me) - looking for input from mums

[SereneOliveWasp]

I’d like to explain what has led to me deciding to boldly (perhaps stupidly would be more apt) enter the virtual lionesses’ den of MN today. My mum is in her early 60s and has one adult DC (me). She is also retired. She has no support network aside from me. I am, for all intents and purposes, her rock. I have no doubt she would describe me in that way if asked. When she has concerns or worries about anything, I am the first person she shares them with. I am her de facto closest friend and confidant. She is a very dear person to me. But here is the issue. While I wouldn’t like to imply she is hard work or anything like that, I feel as though she needs people in her life aside from me whom she can rely on, especially as she edges towards her 70s. I think it would benefit her to have more people in her life aside from me - friends, acquaintances and such like. If it wasn’t for me, she would likely be in a situation that older adults with no friends or relatives can sadly find themselves in, where they can go for weeks or months on end without having any meaningful human interaction. The thought of her being in that situation is quite upsetting to me. As things stand, she has 2 surviving siblings, but they don’t seem to view her as a priority. She sees them once a year at most. I personally would like it if they made more of an effort with her, but I don’t feel like it’s my place to ask them to. She has a few other distant relatives whom she sees or interacts with even less often. She has no partner or husband, and also has no DGCs. She has a few friends but doesn’t see them that often. She has said she “doesn’t want to impose on them”. I believe having more people in her life generally would be beneficial to her.

I have some thoughts of my own about things which I believe could improve my DM’s circumstances. I have mentioned these to her but she has been dismissive of them. The first thing is that I think it would behoove her to try to find a romantic partner. This would give her someone to share her life with, and could also give her opportunities to widen her social circle. She doesn’t go online and has a deep distrust of the internet. She also has a smartphone, but doesn’t use it for anything other than making or receiving calls. Her reluctance to engage with the internet is certainly an issue. She also has a few other things going on. She told me recently that her medical records from her GP have her listed as being menopausal and depressed under chronic conditions. That may be factually correct, but I’m sure most women wouldn’t exactly be thrilled about being described in a way that makes it sound like that’s all they are. She may be just a "depressed menopausal woman" in the eyes of healthcare staff, but she is obviously more than that to me.

I’d like to ask for the opinions of women whom I imagine will share many of the same qualities as my DM, and those who are at a similar stage of life - particularly 50+ mums with adult DCs. She has a very caring nature and, despite her advancing years, she remains in full possession of her faculties. I’m hopeful that will remain the case for as long as possible. Something I wanted to ask specifically is, how unusual would you consider it to be for a woman of my DM’s age to effectively have no support network aside from adult DCs (or just one DC in this case)? Also, do you think I’m BU to suggest that she should look into dating apps with the goal of finding a partner? Any other thoughts regarding her situation?

@SereneOliveWasp

Im not really sure what to make of this.
You talk about your mum as if she is 81 not 61.
Im 61, most people I know this age are still working, at least part time. I have a 76 year old friend who still works.
I'd probably second pretty much everything that @Meadowfinch said.
I have one adult son, away at uni, the thought of him advising me to find a 'romantic ' partner is laughable.
I wonder why your assumption is that the solution to your mum's problems, as you perceive them, is to find a man.
I also wonder about the choice of the words support network. There is nothing wrong with having just a few mates, not everyone wants a gang.
Has your mum actually told you she is unhappy. Are you unhappy about the amount of your time she takes.
I am exceptionally close to my son. I have worried in the past about co- dependency which is why he is away at uni.
If you are always around for your mum, she has no reason to look to friends. So maybe the first thing to do is be a bit less available

Be careful what you wish for as the amount of romance scammers online targeting vulnerable women is terrifying. I'd be keeping her offline and maybe taking her to some local coffee mornings and what not.

A woman I know in a similar situation joined a reformer Pilates studio at 67 and now goes most days and absolutely loves it. They have socials as well pumpkin painting and all that drossy stuff that I hate but the change in her is quite astonishing! A literal new person. Maybe go with her to something like that and see what happens?

I'm sorry you have had so many hostile replies, @SereneOliveWasp . I get where you are coming from, and you sound like a lovely son.

The only things I would take issue with are (1) your misperception of her as being more 'elderly' than women in their sixties experience themselves as being, and (2) the idea of persuading her towards dating.

Dating is a non-starter unless she herself is already wanting to do it. It isn't something that you could tweak her towards, like you might with a new craft hobby or some such. I think I'm right in saying that women are more likely than men to stay single once they have lost or moved on from a partner. The emotional work of a relationship tends to fall much more heavily on women than on men, and many women feel a kind of peace at the thought of haing 'retired' from it. Even if that isn't her attitude, ahe may well feel unhappy at any push from you to become involved with someone.

If she shows any spontaneous interest in dating, then you could help by responding in a confidence building way (or with practicalities, eg around online dating). But don't take any initiative in this respect.

Activities at which she has a chance to chat to other people may well be helpful. Does her GP practice do social prescribing? Mine does, and it helped me.

Other than that, do keep phoning her on a regular basis and visiting when you can. I understand how unnerving it might feel to be her only social support. Can you talk with her about it to try and get a sense of how she sees it, and what she would like from you? xx

She’s in her early sixties!

The crux of the matter is: is she depressed or is she making choices to lead a life without social outlets?
I am assuming you are the only child of a single mum. It sounds as though she and you have failed to make the normal break emotionally that happens when a child leaves home and starts their own life.

Do you have a life of your own? A partner? Your own home?

If your mum is depressed the approach needs to be tailored to that. Otherwise you need to pull back a bit. I say this as a widow who has to negotiate the loneliness of that state without a soul mate; but who is very conscious that my AC have their own lives.
I could list all the things I do that fill my life, but they will only help if your mother either wishes or is able to engage with such things.
And lay off the matchmaking!!!

Gosh. I’m your mums age and am a carer for my own immobile mum, work full time and main breadwinner. I also have student DCs still at home.
Neverthless I have joined voluntary groups in my area to ensure I am never without a community as I age. Your mum needs these types of groups rather than a romantic partner. That could happen naturally from a better social life.

Can you look up a local Women's Institute and get her along to one?

As others have said, please don't give her another man to look after!

This one might warrant engagement if the OP comes back and explains more

not to say that you can’t be concerned about a working age parent…. But a lot of this reads a bit off to me.

The first thing is that I think it would behoove her to try to find a romantic partner.

If anyone said this to me at any point in my life I'd tell them to fuck off

Since when did early 60s mean ‘advancing years’ (actually, whatever age you are your years are advancing). But honestly @SereneOliveWasp that’s made me laugh. Also did you pick your user name off what3words? (Runs off to look)

Lol

and, despite her advancing years, she remains in full possession of her faculties

What that actual ???
I thought you said she was in her 60s.

The way you describe her makes her sound like she is 103.

Many people in their 60s are still working.
All of us use the internet to some extent, most use our phones a lot.

Your suggestion about her finding a man to date is Soooooo wide of the mark.

There are, as others have said soooooooo many things you can get involved with in your community, that means your time can be filled and you can interact with people with similar interests to you, some of whom might become good friends.

What I suggest you do is get a list of 20 - 30 different things near where she lives that she might join, and tell her you are not going to be her prop in life, because you have your own life. She is young and (as you haven't said otherwise, I presume) fit and well, and perfectly capable of doing hundreds of different things. If she chooses not to, that is her own decision, but don't let her emotionally blackmail you in to being her carer and the only person she speaks to, when she has the world at her feet in terms of things she can attend or join.

What about you - do you have a partner, children, or do you live with DM?

You've fallen into a role of support for a needy old woman when she should be living a busy and exciting life and you should be too.

There is a group called Meetup which where I live has many women who are on their own and joined to meet people. - they even go off on hols together - Also the Univerisity of the third age is great - our local one has many interests from wine tasting to gardening.
You should move away imv so she can form her own life.

Jeez - I’d hate to think my adult DCs would speak of me as you do OP! Mind yourself, she’s likely to be absolutely furious with how you see her.

I wish i had a son like you, you sound lovely and so caring. I would be very wary of being her only support as she gets older (she isn’t old yet!) as i know someone who did that for their mother and never built a life for himself. Now she isn’t here he has nothing. Do not become her carer when she becomes old; there are people who do an amazing job of that, you are her son. Hopefully she loves you as much as you love her and wants you to live your own life to the full.

I'm going to let you into a little secret.

People in their 50s/60s feel the same as we did in our 20s/30s (except our knees hurt more). Growing up is, to a great extent, an absolute myth. We are all the same twats we were back when the Spice Girls were in the charts.

Chances are, she's always been like this (antisocial with everyone else but needy with you). It's just coming to a head for you now because you can see that she will probably get much worse over the next couple of decades.

If she's always been like this she's unlikely to change, but you can change how you treat her. Back off a little, don't always be immediately available, encourage her to be more independent.

(and for the love of god, never say advancing years to her) ;)

Ooh someone else who doesn’t like her being elderly and still having her faculties! I’m 60 and still working albeit part time in a demanding job (mental health liaison nurse in an ED)

you cant force her out of the house or online. However if she is interested, I’m involved in the following-swimming, walking, social groups, Rock Choir, Women’s Shed. She could also do volunteering, Book Clubs, WI, fitness classes at the gym….aqua fit is popular with women that age.

I agree with this. Sorry. Her life is her own responsibility, it's not your burden to carry. She needs to sort things out for herself and not expect you to be her be all and end all.

As a 57 year old woman with an adult son… do be careful as pps have said about placing yourself as the sole support of your old mum. She’s a grown up woman. Listen out for things that she says that indicate what she would actually like to do or change. Maybe nothing?? She might be happy enough. What does she do of an evening?

If you want to, you could throw a few parties/BBQs with a big range of people and invite her along. See what happens there.

Good luck OP and I hope you can help yiur mum expand her social life, however, SHE’S IN HER EARLY 60’S!!!!

blooming hell, advanced years you say??? She’s a spring chicken.

Does she not use the Internet at work?
She could look at joining activities in here area if she wants to learn new things, but she doesn't need to go find a man.
If she said she wanted to, and needed help figuring out where to go f one, that would be different.

But he can’t, because his mum is using him as a replacement for a partner and friends.

All he is asking for is some advice to get her out of her shell.

@SereneOliveWasp she needs to get a hobby, pet, or job. Getting a man isn’t really the most important thing right now, making friends would be good though.