when would you not expect your partner to be invited to the wedding?

[wolfgarng]

My friend is getting married and its a very small wedding. Just parents, no siblings as both single children, 5 groomsmen and 5 bridesmaids. Some partners have been invited and some haven't.

All 10 of the bridal party have partners but 1 and bride and groom didn't want half their wedding to be partners as it's very expensive.

All engaged or married partners have.
My partner has as he's been dating me for 5 years.
None who have been dating less than 2 years on the date of the wedding unless engaged. The idea was no short term relationships.

I have no problem with this.

This effected 4 people in the bridal party. 1 who didn't care as their partner would have to also buy a flight and it was too expensive. 1 who would be at the 23 month mark so bride and groom reluctantly extended an invite when the bridesmaid just assumed their partner was included (they have never met the partner). 1 who has since broken up. 1 who really cares and is very upset. They will be dating their partner about 18 months on the day of the wedding and see this as the person they will eventually marry.

She want's me to raise it to the bride and groom.

I am MOH and very close with bride. I already know that in her eyes the wedding is bigger and more expensive than she wanted, costs are mounting and one extra person is £165 just for their food and champagne toast. There is also the cost of an open bar on top and the wedding budget has gone over.

I think the bride should be able to invite whoever they like. Who is being unreasonable here?

Sorry OP but if this is a small wedding why on earth are there 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen? I think thats totally unreasonable for a start.

Friends being unreasonable but I can see her annoyance that someone else before the two year mark now has their partner invited. They just shouldn’t have invited any partners at all, or only married ones. Or married and engaged. Once you start putting time limits on it it’s open to negotiation.

I would not raise this with bride and groom if I were you.

In general I would not be inviting someone where there is real hatred or disapproval to one of the couple, or say their parents. I would be possibly be excluding an alcoholic, an ex prisoner depending on their crime, and be reluctant to include an ex partner, husband or wife.

As for the specifics of the wedding concerned, I think five bridesmaids and then excluding partners is not good, whilst I defend the choice to invite who you like.

@Blankitout I didn't realise there was a rule.

Both the bride and group had a solid friendship group of 6 each so why not invite them and make them feel special with a bridesmaid/groomsman title? We have all been eachothers

How is it £165 for each person? If costs is an issue, find a cheaper venue! My DH was not invited to a cousin’s wedding even though we’d been together 5 years and actually got engaged before it happened and it still rankles.

So effectively only affects two people, the 23 month partner, and the 18 month partner, and one of those has been invited already. In that case, I woukd invite the other partner.

Don’t get involved.

It isn't a small wedding... there's a dozen people alone in the bridal party.

I find it strange that the "2 year rule" has been broken for one bridesmaid but not the other?

In this case partners shouldn't be invited at all, unless they are actually friends of the couple.

Once they invited the 23 months one, not getting the 18 month old one will be hard, as people see it as act of exclussion (compared to inclussion of the personally selected few).

What a strange bunch this lot sound. So just because you’re “engaged” to your partner, that gives you more status? Even if you’ve been going out only a fortnight, you can get randomly engaged and - yay - you’re in.

Weddings are very silly.

You go and tell the upset one what you’ve wrote in your second to last paragraph, don’t bother the bride with it.

They clearly can’t afford the wedding that they want

The wedding is supposed to be about the bride and groom making vows to each other not about making their pals feel special.
It obviously not a small wedding with such a large bridal party.
If they are so anxious to make their friends feel special then bride should have no problem in inviting the bridesmaids partner.

Exactly.

I've never heard of any wedding where partners have not been invited.

I have only ever experienced no partners when it’s been a work colleague and myself (plus other colleagues) were invited to evening only. I’d say if they live together/engaged/married they should definitely be included or if the B&G know them well.

Are there other guests?

I think having 5 bridesmaids & 5 groomsman is a bit mad for a small wedding.
I have been to wedding of over 250 guests & they had no more than 3 bridesmaids & 3 groom men.
Surely the wedding is going to look very top table heavy with 10 bridesmaids & groomsmen all dressed up the same.

How many other people are invited in addition to the partners of the wedding party who made the cut?
Not including the partner of 18 months when the rule was broken for the 23 month relationship, seems unfair.

no other guests. The words bridesmaids and groomsmen are used loosely. Theres no matching dresses or walking down the aisle before the bride. Another friend in the group did the same with a small wedding, so keeping it all 6 of us is nice, and I will do the same too.

Now I think about it, I think living together was mentioned at some point. The couple who are upset don't live together

I dont get why people can't go to a wedding without a partner it is one day life goes on

If they are the only guests does seem odd to not invite partners

I'd expect all partners to be invited. It seems a strange rule to say they have to have been together for 2 years to be invited.

Don’t get involved. It is up to the bride who she invites to her wedding. I would say the person should raise it directly with the bride, not via you, but actually I don’t think she should raise it at all.

Or you say no partners, only married couples.

I think when there is travel involved and people are booking bottle rooms to attend a wedding, it’s rude to make them come alone and be unable to share the costs and the experience around the actual wedding. I also think that for a group of friends that sounds close, to allow some to bring partners and make others come alone seems mean. It is obviously not going to be as nice for the people who are alineveholevtheirvfrkebds have their partners there, and I can’t under why anyone would want to do that to their friends on a day where they’re trying to celebrate something happy. I’d rather sacrifice something else than make my friends feel sad and excluded on my wedding day. People are more important than venues and menus.