when would you not expect your partner to be invited to the wedding?

[wolfgarng]

My friend is getting married and its a very small wedding. Just parents, no siblings as both single children, 5 groomsmen and 5 bridesmaids. Some partners have been invited and some haven't.

All 10 of the bridal party have partners but 1 and bride and groom didn't want half their wedding to be partners as it's very expensive.

All engaged or married partners have.
My partner has as he's been dating me for 5 years.
None who have been dating less than 2 years on the date of the wedding unless engaged. The idea was no short term relationships.

I have no problem with this.

This effected 4 people in the bridal party. 1 who didn't care as their partner would have to also buy a flight and it was too expensive. 1 who would be at the 23 month mark so bride and groom reluctantly extended an invite when the bridesmaid just assumed their partner was included (they have never met the partner). 1 who has since broken up. 1 who really cares and is very upset. They will be dating their partner about 18 months on the day of the wedding and see this as the person they will eventually marry.

She want's me to raise it to the bride and groom.

I am MOH and very close with bride. I already know that in her eyes the wedding is bigger and more expensive than she wanted, costs are mounting and one extra person is £165 just for their food and champagne toast. There is also the cost of an open bar on top and the wedding budget has gone over.

I think the bride should be able to invite whoever they like. Who is being unreasonable here?

In this situation I would say everyone can bring a plus one.
If they absolutely can’t do that then only married couples.

To answer the specific question as I am married I would find it incredibly odd if dh was not invited to a wedding with me.

So 5 bridesmaid /groomsman are essentially 5 friends each and no other guests outside the family.

I still think the partners shouldn't had been invited at all, no matter the status.
When a close group of friends is invited, it is easier to have them as a group, not as a set of couples/other plus ones.

How many not invited partners are on the groomsmen's side? If this one partnet is the last, it might be easier to let him in. If it would open an avalanche, they need to stop it.

She should have just said no partners unless they were good friends of theirs. Your friend should leave her to invite who she is able to, her being in a serious relationship doesn’t matter, it’s a small wedding!

Why?

If a small wedding is mostly family plus one small close knit group of friends each, why woudn't you go as a part of the friendship group instead as a part of the couple, especially if your DH isn't anyhow close with the bride and groom?

I am married, but majority of my friends doesn't even know it, so... if my DP wouldn't be invited as my DP I don't expect him to be invited just because he is my DH as well.

I understand limiting numbers. I’m of the belief you don’t need your partner with you at every occasion. I don’t understand judging the seriousness of someone else’s relationship based on whether they’re engaged/married/together X years or not!

I’m thinking the same - this is excessive but I’d stay well out of any guest lists
let the bride and groom sort this and steer clear
go with “I’m sorry it’s not my place to comment on this”

But what if a couple are not married but have been together 15 years with 3 kids and a dog?

It’s bonkers to have a small wedding but then have that many bridesmaids. The ‘rules’ for whose partner can be invited is crazy as well. If the stupid criteria allow all partners but one now, then I’d just invite them all. Being engaged, living together or together more than 2 years are daft-all could split up with ease tomorrow.

Naturally the bride and groom can invite whoever they want but I’ve never understood this some can have their partner and some not. I would be offended too if my relationship was judged on a silly hierarchy and rules. If money was such an issue then no partners at all or let people pay towards their partners meal especially if people are paying to stay at a hotel or travel a distance for the wedding

The only time I’d really expect DH not to be invited would be if it was a local wedding of a work friend and a load of us from work were all
coming without partners, probably just to the evening do.

Or if we’d prediscussed it and it was clear DH wouldn’t be able to attend - he was posted abroad, complex family/childcare logistics etc.

If it was a colleagues wedding and just colleagues were invited.

In these situations the Bride and Groom can invite who they like.

If a guest isn’t happy thst they don’t get a plus 1 then they can politely decline the invitation.

No one should be demanding invitations.

I've heard of no ring no bring before but never on how long the pair have been together. I'd not mention it to bride. If others bridesmaid wants to mention it that's on them.

it's a weird dynamic where some are really close and unmarried, like myself. The four of us do things as couples alot. Where as one of the married members is a nice person that keeps separate and don't really hang out with the rest of the group. Both groups know each other but are not really friends as we all went to the same school, but the grooms in the year above.

This! My partner and I have both been invited to weddings solo, and we live together and have been been together longer than 5 years. I really don’t care. I’d only expect him to be invited if the people getting married actually knew him and vice versa

its a very small wedding. Just parents, no siblings as both single children, 5 groomsmen and 5 bridesmaids.

Like most have said, this makes no sense.

With your later post, stating that these are the only friends invited, I'd say the B&G would have been better to state 'Just the original friends' - ie no partners - or 'Everyone's partners' or 'The partners we socialise with regularly and where we consider the partners to be our friends too'. Making a rule where they consider length of "courtship" is a bit odd. Normal enough to not include newer partners who are not a couple or who have just started seeing each other at the time the B&G draw up the list of who they are going to invite, but odd to make a rule specifying X qualifies but Y doesn't just because they started going out a couple of months before the other couple.

To answer the title question I'd agree with most..... there may be specific reasons why you wouldn't invite an abuser or a drunk just because they happened to be a partner of someone you knew, but, as a more general rule, you either invite just the group of people you originally knew (housemates at University / colleagues / school friends / sports team / type group) OR you invite all of their partners OR I can understand a rule where you say 'Only partner we both know'. I think it is pretty normal to go as a group of colleagues / players / old mates, without partners, married or not.

Why doesn’t the person who is really upset propose to the partner. Then they will be engaged and meet a requirement to be invited.

This wedding sounds very odd. I can’t see why you’d cut out fewer than you’d let in. It should be all or none in this scenario as it’s really odd to leave one out like this. Very 6 year old birthday party vibes.

If it’s at all possible, I’d suggest that the guests that are upset their partners have not been invited, cover their costs.

5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen is bigger than any wedding I have ever been invited to- at this size you can't restrict people's partners for cost- either you want a small wedding on both the wedding and the guest sides or you don't.
If you want to make a big splash with a 12 person wedding party great, but you can't restrict the guests back to nothing so it isn't any more expensive than a wedding with 4 people in the wedding party,that is just completely crass.

I would not and did not invite anyone that I had not met.

Personally I would always give a plus one, we did at our wedding - the only people it wasn't int he invited for were close family members that we knew would bring anyone (they never have, if they had said they wanted to they could). If she is getting that stressed over the costs why do things like an open bar (never been to a wedding with one, just usually bubbles for arrival & toast then wine for the table).

I think this is as good a rule as any.

If they are clothing 10 attendants, and funding an open bar, but refusing to invite 2 of the attendants' partners for cost reasons, they have very different priorities from me.