Parents/sister/christmas - hurt!

[Honestlyfedup]

Buckle up, it’s going to be a long one
I know there are a couple of threads going about Christmas/families and this is another.
I’m also aware that this could be outing, but I’m so hurt, I’m beyond caring.
I’ll start by saying I have an older sister, quite a bit older (same parents, I was the accident child!), and she’s always had some mental health issues on and off. Some suicide attempts but a very long time ago and had generally been fine for over.a decade, but I think because of these issues my parents have always treaded softly with her, cooked her meals, visit her home often. I’m the more dependable one, so rarely get the above! I can also drive, my sister can’t, so I’m expected to be the taxi whenever anyone needs to go anywhere. Literally my mother will ring me, no “how are you”, just “I need you to take your father out”, or “I need you to come over and do something for me”. Somehow I’ve fallen into the role of the one who does everything!
So, Christmas. I would prefer just me, husband and kids, I love that type of Christmas. My family have pressured me to host them all in the past (sister has children, one of them has children) but I simply don’t have room in our home now, and I’m not adding tables to my lounge so everyone can eat, which is what they expect. My mother approached my sister about going out, sister had a strop, didn’t any to go out for Christmas dinner (ideally someone would cook for her, she could sit and sleep all afternoon then), but my parents in their 80s, they’ve done their hosting!
So, I asked my parents for Christmas dinner, thinking they shouldn’t host in their 80s. I hoped they would say no, but my mother accepted. Not ideal as she moans about my father, or moans in general, but I’ll drink through it, it’s for a few hours!
So, I had a feeling once my sister knew I’d asked my parents over, she’d have a strop as for some reason we “all should be together” (she wouldn’t ever volunteer to host though, even though she has room), and I was naughty I admit, and read my mothers and sisters messages to each other because I just knew that my sister was being quiet with me about it. Again, I know it’s bad.
Basically my sister said she’s staying home with one of her daughters, and my mother said “oh we’ve accepted to go over xxxx now, but don’t know if I’ll bother. You know what she’s like”. Followed by “she’ll probably moan when I go out for a cigarette”. “They’ve said they’re looking forward to it, so I can’t back out now”. Honestly, like I’ve begged them to come. It’s like she has to suck up to my sister and call me rotten to make out she’s on my sisters side or something. It’s so toxic and horrible. Literally anything that needs doing it’s “can you do this for us” “can you come over”. She never ever ever asks how I am, what I’m doing, and now she’s making out she’s coming for Christmas because she has to!! I’d rather them stay away.
Im angry and upset. How do I deal with this?
How do I deal with, and just suck up the next time I get “I need you to come over an do something for me” without shouting F*CK OFF, which is what I want to do now.

Thanks if you read it all

Rescind the invitation, actions have consequences mother. I know easy to say and hard to do but crikey that’s awful. She doesn’t want to come so give her that wish. I’m really sorry though, we think as the good child the reliable one that they should appreciate that, they don’t and when we realise that despite our all consuming efforts to be good it’s not actually got us anywhere it’s a punch to the stomach.

its interesting that the first option you suggest is to suck it up, that says a lot about how you’ve been conditioned.

@TorroFerney that’s exactly what it is, a punch to the stomach. I’m so so angry

And yes, I have been conditioned, at the age of 43 I’m working through a lot now, why I’ve been a people pleaser all my life. It’s obvious really!

You are pissing into a sieve with these awful people. I would stop trying to have a relationship with them and concentrate on your own family. If your mother wants to do the running, let her try (she won’t). I know it’s hurtful, but you can’t change people. Just prioritise your own peace.

If your Dm asks if you can do something for her, I think you’re busy that day, aren’t you? “Sorry, Mum! That doesn’t work for me. You’ll have to ask someone else.” Cue outrage from DM, but if you always allow yourself to be used as a doormat, don’t be surprised that people treat you as one.
I take it that DSis wouldn’t host your DPs? I’d say to them that there’s no three line whip and if they’d rather stay home, that would be fine and you’ll come and visit after Christmas or whenever suits you. If DM then says, “Oh no, I’m looking forward to it”, call her out on what she said to your sister. OP, you are going to have to be a little more assertive - easier said than done, I know - otherwise this will continue until DPs are no more. And heaven help you should one of them need frequent trips to hospital, or care, because you know they’ll turn to you. Stop being a taxi service; don’t always be available every time they want something. Suggest they should take a taxi sometimes. It can’t always be on you to ferry your aged parents around the place, amd your older sister really isn’t your responsibility.

I’m happy to take my dad places, lots of doctors appointments and hospital appointments because he’s not a dick! I really want to step back from my mother though but it’s hard because they live together. I was supposed to be taking her own on sat but I’ve messaged to say I can’t, and we’ll have to to another time. Small steps but honestly, fuck!
I already know it’s me who’ll be expected to do all the shit when they get even older as my sister can’t drive and they’d never bother her, she’s so stressed….

@sesquipedalian i do need to call her out don’t I. Shit

Absolutely this

I sympathise and empathise. Challenge is that sometimes we get addicted to the drama, the adrenaline, the feeling of hurt as odd as it sounds , bit like picking a scab. Best thing is go withdraw quietly. The message thing resonated, I used to just get a „ring me“ and I’d leap to respond, it’s a habit you need to get out of but resentment is a terrible thing it eats away.

i have very little relationship with my mother now I’m not doing stuff for her, she’s dropped me like a stone, incredibly hurtful.

It doesn’t have to be dramatic, you can’t control what she says or feels. You can say I’ve been thinking and probably better you don’t come or we’ve decided to just spend it together.

again it’s bonkers she’s been really awful and your main thing is scared to upset her.

I know 😔

@TorroFerney im so sorry. It’s so so hurtful

I'm a big believer in people only treating you in ways that you let them. Your family are clearly toxic people but at 43 years old, you do actually have some control in how you allow them to treat you and what access they have to your help.

Rescind the Xmas invite. If you're not comfortable with a blunt statement, tell a lie to justify it - you'll be having work done in the house and it is no longer suitable to host.

When your mum calls and barks orders you say "Hello to you, too. I'm fine - THANKS FOR ASKING" - You don't need to tolerate it. I'd lay it on a plate and state that until she speaks to you civilly and learns how to say please and thank you, you're no longer available for favours.

Take back some control of your own life.

I’ve always been the sibling who is doing ok in life and one of my other siblings has always been the one we pussy foot around. As I’ve got older, and become a parent myself, as much as I don’t agree with the approach, I can understand it more and have tried to adopt the approach of thinking that I’m glad I haven’t caused them any bother or drama. However, your mum is totally out of line with the messages to your sister. I could maybe understand her worrying about what she’s going to do for Xmas but to make out like she doesn’t want to come to yours and you’ll be a certain way etc and putting it down essentially is a total dick move and really nasty. She needs to grow up. Would you call her out on it?

Standing up to family members is like sending food back in a restaurant - once you've summoned up the courage once, the floodgates open!

Honesty is always the best policy but you also have the option to just put yourself some big old boundaries up and let DM know things are changing.

Knowing that you're going to catch a World of pain for looking at the messages, I think I'd opt for a breezy 'Apologies for change of plans but we've decided we'd like to have a quiet family Xmas this year, just us. You didn't seem overly excited about Xmas at ours and I know Dsis will want to see you so this should work out for everyone'

Then just enjoy a fabulous, stress free Xmas.

And when the calls flood in, ignore them.

Then learn the phrase 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me' and use it on repeat.

You've been given a family role and conditioned to accept it but stepping out of it is 100% doable, OP.

You just need to take one step then keep walking.

Why did you invite them if you were hoping they would say no?

What will they actually do to you if you say no to them? Hit you? Fine you? Set your house on fire?

what will happen and why are you so scared of it?

You can never change them but you can change yourself and thats what you need to do

No you don’t. Her personal conversations with your sister are none of your business and may not even be her true thoughts.

But you can change what you do in response to this. Rescind the Christmas invite. Say you’ve thought about it and it’s not fair to host them and not your sister, and as you can’t host them all best to host none. If you’re still open to going out, reiterate that and leave it with them to decide. In future, don’t make offers when you expect others to say no, only offer what suits you if they say yes.

And pull back on doing things for your mum. You can continue for your dad if you like, but you get to choose if you want to fulfill every request made of you. It’s not a demand, just think about if you want to do it each and every time, and accept and decline accordingly.

I do not think calling out your mum for a private conversation with your sister (that you already know they pander to) is the right course of action at all though.

Actual dm we've been thinking about Christmas..best you stay home then when you want a smoke it's easier for you to pop in and out there..
(Wouldn't want her smokey breath near me. )

My mum is like this about my sibling, it's exhausting 😩 there's always some drama and mum and previously dad who's now passed always jumping in to sort their life out. Meanwhile, I've worked, raised children, looked after myself. Now my mum is in her 80s and very enmeshed with my sibling, I rarely get to see my mum on her own and sibling always dominates the conversation. I've taken a step back and only see them when I'm feeling strong enough because a couple of hours with them is enough!

I feel like this. I spend time with my parents and my energy is GONE! I’m depleted. More my mother than father, she’s just so miserable and toxic unhappy with her house, and life, and honestly still bitter than my dad doesn’t earn what he used to before he retired.. he retired 17 years ago! Literally I spend time with her and need an hour on my own after it.

To be the good daughter I suppose. It’s very complicated. I’m glad you have no fucks to be found as per your user name, but some of us are still working through stuff.
I know what I need to do, I needed advice on how to do it

Is it possible that she actually is looking forward to it, but pretends to not be so as to avoid your sister's tantrum?

I think this is the case.
When she came over in the summer for a few hours she said after “it was so lovely to be a part of your family”. I was like what, you are my family. I think she wants to appease my sister because she has to walk on egg shells with her, but it hurt so much.
I’m the one they depend on, I wish my sister could do more. It stung

How did you read their messages ?

I totally read it like that but it’s still crap that your mum has to resort to slagging you off so as to get ‘on side’ with your sister. That’s just wrong