Parents/sister/christmas - hurt!

[Honestlyfedup]

Buckle up, it’s going to be a long one
I know there are a couple of threads going about Christmas/families and this is another.
I’m also aware that this could be outing, but I’m so hurt, I’m beyond caring.
I’ll start by saying I have an older sister, quite a bit older (same parents, I was the accident child!), and she’s always had some mental health issues on and off. Some suicide attempts but a very long time ago and had generally been fine for over.a decade, but I think because of these issues my parents have always treaded softly with her, cooked her meals, visit her home often. I’m the more dependable one, so rarely get the above! I can also drive, my sister can’t, so I’m expected to be the taxi whenever anyone needs to go anywhere. Literally my mother will ring me, no “how are you”, just “I need you to take your father out”, or “I need you to come over and do something for me”. Somehow I’ve fallen into the role of the one who does everything!
So, Christmas. I would prefer just me, husband and kids, I love that type of Christmas. My family have pressured me to host them all in the past (sister has children, one of them has children) but I simply don’t have room in our home now, and I’m not adding tables to my lounge so everyone can eat, which is what they expect. My mother approached my sister about going out, sister had a strop, didn’t any to go out for Christmas dinner (ideally someone would cook for her, she could sit and sleep all afternoon then), but my parents in their 80s, they’ve done their hosting!
So, I asked my parents for Christmas dinner, thinking they shouldn’t host in their 80s. I hoped they would say no, but my mother accepted. Not ideal as she moans about my father, or moans in general, but I’ll drink through it, it’s for a few hours!
So, I had a feeling once my sister knew I’d asked my parents over, she’d have a strop as for some reason we “all should be together” (she wouldn’t ever volunteer to host though, even though she has room), and I was naughty I admit, and read my mothers and sisters messages to each other because I just knew that my sister was being quiet with me about it. Again, I know it’s bad.
Basically my sister said she’s staying home with one of her daughters, and my mother said “oh we’ve accepted to go over xxxx now, but don’t know if I’ll bother. You know what she’s like”. Followed by “she’ll probably moan when I go out for a cigarette”. “They’ve said they’re looking forward to it, so I can’t back out now”. Honestly, like I’ve begged them to come. It’s like she has to suck up to my sister and call me rotten to make out she’s on my sisters side or something. It’s so toxic and horrible. Literally anything that needs doing it’s “can you do this for us” “can you come over”. She never ever ever asks how I am, what I’m doing, and now she’s making out she’s coming for Christmas because she has to!! I’d rather them stay away.
Im angry and upset. How do I deal with this?
How do I deal with, and just suck up the next time I get “I need you to come over an do something for me” without shouting F*CK OFF, which is what I want to do now.

Thanks if you read it all

@tinyspiny on her phone, which she had given me to look at because she deleted an app, and had rang to say I needed to go over and help her with it

My father did me the greatest favour by dying. I tried to keep a relationship going with my mother but it proved impossible, and since he was dead and she couldn't take it out on him, I stopped trying. Bliss.

hmmm. Hiw about this, if you want your mum there: ‘Hi mum, I have got the impression you aren’t keen about coming to Christmas. It was an invitation not an order; if it’s not what you want to do then that’s ok! The invitation is still open, if you could just let us know for planning, it’s a lot of cooking.’

and if you don’t want her there: hi mum, it’s really clear you don’t want to spend Christmas with us, and I don’t want anyone who’s forcing themselves to come, so let’s just do our own thing?

and lots lots lots more refusing help. Busy. Sorry I have to drive dd somewhere, might as well have been a taxi driver. Sorry I have lunch.

I think you should be honest with your mum and say that you’ve read the messages and in light of that would she like to withdraw her acceptance of your invite and see what she comes up with . It will also be a good opener so that moving forward you can start saying no a bit more and call her out a bit more .

Decide what you want and if you do want your mum and dad with you then ignore the rest. If you don't want them uninvite them. Put yourself first.

I agree, she’s trying to get/keep your sister onside. Not really your business or for you to monitor.
You decide if you have your parents over at Christmas. It’s probably going to spoil this year, so politely rescind. Don’t invite anyone else.

Going through your mum’s text exchanges with your sister was well out of order. Helping her with an app was not an invitation to go through her texts. Invading her privacy like this and then complaining about it is wild.

You said “she moans about my father or moans in general.” You mother said “ she will probably moan when I go out for a cigarette”. You both complain about each other’s tendency to moan. Only difference is you complained about your mother online, where anyone might see it. Your mother complained about you in what she reasonably expected was a private conversation. And you’re upset with her?? Shame on you.

Meant to add ive been nc with dm since 2012. And between 2000 and 2010..
Won't be going back for more.

Def recommend for instant improvement of mh..

"We've been chatting about Christmas this week and I don't think you'll like the food we're going to do or the games we'll be playing or the 5 mile hike that Mike and the kids want to do, so it's probably best if you go to my sister's this year."

How old are your kids? You could actually design a day that would be fun for you and the worst nightmare for your mum.

Obvs it's OK to just say the truth but I'm a coward so would go this route this year and just never invite them ever again. Do you have any other family or friends who you'd rather have at the house with you? Or could you go away for Christmas and break the cycle totally?

It sounds really stressful and it sucks that it's putting a dampner on so much.

@MetraNivo shame on YOU. I have been dealing with years of comments from my mother and sister about various ways I could do better. I regret reading those messages, but only because I saw in black and white how they actually talk about me when I can’t hear it.

Your own mother?

@Honestlyfedup Ignore the poster who's being unhelpful and antagonistic.

You only get one life and your family is making you miserable, so you need to take a step back. Your sister's feelings are not your responsibility to manage, and your mother's comments to her are completely out of order. I'd be inclined to call her bluff and cancel the Christmas invitation.

I want to. I’d love a quiet one with just us. It’s the dream

“Actually, mum. We’ve changed our plans and are having Christmas just us this year, plenty time for you to arrange something with my sister”

If she kicks off, just agree with whatever she says but re-iterate, you’ve made your choice.

And stop agreeing to do whatever she ask you to, just suggest your sister does it, seeing they are so close and all.

Mothers who indulge in playing one sibling off against another do not know the problems they cause.

And the aim surely is to build a family where children respect each other, care for each other. Joining in negative comments to one sibling about another does not do that. Ever.

Tell her you know what has been said. Tell her it is hurtful and tell her why. That you don’t ever expect to hear the like again. That it is hurtful and the invitation to Christmas has been withdrawn.

Be prepared for her not to see any harm in it. To say everyone talks about each other. Remind her that not every mother indulges in being gossipy to one sibling about another.

Your mother can go to her other daughter. Or have her daughter to her.

Please, please, PLEASE do exactly that. Have your dream.

You’ll regret giving up your children’s Christmas’ to appease others; they go by so fast and suddenly they are adults and it is not the same. Still just as lovely, but not the same.

Set the new trend of you doing what you want to do, and what is best for YOUR family.

How does your DH feel about the dynamics?

@TISSHA he knows how I feel in general, I haven’t told him about the latest though. He knows I think they’re selfish. I had to take weeks off work in the summer as had a bit of a break down, very anxious, went on HRT. My mother knew this and she rang me one day, and the first words out of her mouth were “I need you to do something for me”, no hello or how are you. She knew I was off sick.
Im so hesitant to tell him the latest as it makes it real and something I have to face. He’s generally a nice gentle man, but I think he’d be pissed off with this. I don’t blame him.

What a load of bollocks. It just a consistent pattern of behaviour from OP's mum and seeing it in black and white just confirmed OP's suspicions. If you are writing mean stuff about your own daughter on your phone, don't then give your phone to your daughter to sort something out for you. Her mum is stupid as well as horrible.

Argh, you poor thing.

It sounds like he has your back and would support you (and also probably enjoy a christmas without his in laws!). If you can, I’d tell him everything and figure out a way to handle it so that it doesn’t go nuclear. Frosty maybe, but if you can avoid nuclear you’ll probably feel so much better. And your parents need to learn that you will not be pushed around any more.

Sounds like you’ve had a rough summer too, think it is really time to put yourself first.

Could you send a pre-emptive text? ‘Hi Mum, having a bit of a rethink about Christmas Day, perhaps we can all get together for lunch on the XXDATE instead? I’ll call you tomorrow to discuss'

Will at least set the scene for a conversation and you can go into it feeling strong and ready.

Best of luck!!

A pre-emptive text is fine, but not if it includes a question asking her mum if they can get together on another date instead. Asking whether her mum would agree to that is handing control over to the mum and asking for trouble.
Don't ask. Tell.
The OP needs to tell her that the Christmas plans have changed and the get-together can be on either X or Y date instead, to be confirmed by text, not a call.

You'll get there.

I was a people pleasing doormat for years, terrified of conflict and practically begging people to love me and all it got me was people's scorn and contempt.

Finally I got to the point where I was ok, absolutely fuck this shit, and I've never been happier.

People being cross with you is not as scary as you think it is. It is very liberating to genuinely not give a shit what unreasonable people think of you. If they don't care about you, they don't deserve you caring about them.

It's not easy but it's worth it.

Wow

HRTWT but have read all OP's
I'd tell your mother that you know she doesn't really want to come to yours (if she asks how, say you saw it on her phone that time she gave it to you) so it would be better for everyone if it was just you and OH+kids at yours on the day. Suggest you can all do something together after Christmas (and be too busy if anything is suggested then). No need to fall out, no need to get yourself upset, decide how to phrase it so it's a done deal! With all difficult conversations, don't give reasons or excuses as they'll be used against you. Just say you've changed your mind 💐

I’ll see my parents tomorrow as still feel the need to take my kids over to see them as they’ll moan if they haven’t (again, they’ll go to my sisters), so I still know there is work I need to do.
I’m seeing my mother a week tomorrow as we’re off out, so I’ll be bringing it up then. More of a “are you sure about Christmas, I know you’ll probably want to see sister”, and see what she says. I’ll also never be asking again, even if they’re on their own at home.

I wouldn't pussyfoot around, asking your mum if she's sure about Christmas; I think your mistake was inviting your parents but wanting them to say no. Tell her that your sister isn't the only one with mental health issues and you, and your immediate family, have decided that you need as stress-free a Christmas as possible, so the invitation is rescinded. You are not responsible for your mum or your sister's Christmas dinner. In future, be less available when she needs something doing; she'll never respect that your time is your own otherwise.