Do you understand the reason behind your child going no contact with you?

[Autumn5628]

Just talking to my sister about this and wondered on others perceptions.
I have been no contact with my mum for nearly 6 years. My sister is low contact, 1 hour, twice a year.
I went no contact after an explosive argument and years of making excuses for her.. she was a teen mum with mental health issues etc etc.
The truth is though is she can’t admit what she did to her children… awful awful things, we should have been put in foster care really. She acknowledges none of it.. we’re making it up, that didn’t happen and so on and so on.
So my question is, if you have adult children that have gone no contact with you, can you admit to yourself why? And if you can have you tried to apologize?
If your in my position do you believe your parent doesn’t get why you’ve done this to them, have they really forgotten there own shitty behaviour?

I am mc with more than 1 of my dc. I understand why tbh...

I think for majority of parents whose children have gone nc
firstly, if they had the self awareness to understand the reasons underlying the decision to go nc - then there’s a chance they will repair relationship in future !

on the other hand, not being able to acknowledge/ understand or want to discuss the underlying reasons with their child, will probably entrench and serve to justify the original reasons underlying the child’s decisions to go nc in the first place!

most children actively want their parents in their life and will give parents lots of second chances……

Sorry to hear that, I’d be devastated. Do you think you can fix things? I can’t imagine her doing so but it would mean a lot to me if I finally got an explanation and an apology.

I found out that my abusive mother tells people that she is NC with me rather than the other way around 😆 Suits me fine.

She knows that I finally had enough of her hideous behaviour and therefore she has no further use for me. She’s happy to discard me.

If I can no longer be abused by her, what’s the point of me?

I’m no contact with my father. I told him clearly why. He then proceeded to tell me countless reasons why I was wrong, and how it was all my fault. According to him and his wife, I have ‘issues’.

I went NC with my parents after my mother said some very upsetting things to me - I think that was clear cut.

Reestablished contact when DC was born, but that event made me evaluate how toxic my childhood was and I slowly went LC, but I didn’t explain it to them - I just don’t want to talk about it with them.

I know the decisions my mother made for me were out of love, but also out of fear, narcissism, willing ignorance. My parents have tried to talk about it with me and they can point to some specific things they did that made my childhood very difficult. They would like to repair things to get past it, but I think they are incapable of really understanding the impact on me, so why even bother.

I was reflecting today that it feels like I don’t have a mother any more - I no longer love her, and she could be gone and I wouldn’t care anymore.

I think she must feel that to some extent too going by our last visit. It’s definitely much cooler between us on both sides.

I agree, it’s about self awareness and owning up to failure. It’s so sad that so many children have no option but to cut off the most important bond. Parents make mistakes, God, I know I did, but having the guts and grace to swallow your pride, own your mistakes, and apologise is all it takes. Some of us can do that. Others can’t and they and their estranged children pay the ultimate price. It’s so sad. I have a great relationship with each of my adult children, I listened to them, apologised for my wrongs, reached out and respected their opinions. Parenting is hard, especially if you’re a single parent, as I was. But unconditional love is key.

I was low contact with my dad between 18 - 26 and went completely no contact then. That was 11 years ago now.

No, he doesn’t appear to understand why.

The last conversation I had with him, he kicked me out of his house for not allowing him to give me away at my wedding, because “he’s my dad and that was his right.”

He was invited but didn’t turn up, and I’ve never spoke to him since. He hasn’t met my son, and I wouldn’t allow him to.

He was a violent alcoholic throughout my childhood, an absent father during my teen/young adult years, and if you asked him (which people have), his kids just don’t bother with him because we’ve moved on. Not for any reason, as far as he’s concerned.

I was removed from my parents by my grandparents (with the help of my school) when I was 7 due to their abuse and neglect.

My mother was terminally ill when I was 14. I did see her, my grandparents kindly took her in for a few weeks at the end of her life. She has realised that removing me, and my siblings, was the correct choice. She had realised what they’d done and was very apologetic. It didn’t actually change how I felt. She’d become religious and I very much feel like she was just saying the things she needed to say to get to heaven (in her mind).

my father died a few years ago. He got in touch and basically demanded I visit. My refusal saw him show that he hadn’t changed at all. Whilst dying he was spiteful, nasty and actually succeeded in turning siblings (who’d also been NC with him for 30 odd years) against me over it. He genuinely believed he’d made a few mistakes and I was a nasty, cold hearted person for still being focussed about that and not giving him “his place”.

He was utterly clueless to what he was.

I have an adult son and I have definitely made mistakes over the years. I apologize though, and I am 100% sure that he has never gone a second of his life wondering if his mum loves him.

I do wonder what the hell is broken in my mum that she couldn’t love her own children.

My stepdaughter has gone no contact with her father and me.

I would say he has been a good and caring father and I have done my best to be a good stepmum.

We asked her if she was sure she wanted to marry her first and only boyfriend and she said she was quite sure.

After some years she and he were obviously struggling and we asked if she was okay.- she was also being checked out for various illnesses at this point. She said she was fine.

She began behaving quite strangely towards us and a few months later her husband got in touch and said she was filing for divorce.

I have no idea what is going on really.

I went no with my mother and she immediately started turning other family members (who are scared she'll turn on them too) against me and unleashed a massive smear campaign against me

She knows full well why I told her to do one but won't ever admit her own behaviour (in her eyes,she's perfect-all narcissists are)

So that leaves it as im the problem

Apparently I'm a druggie (I'm not but her golden child is) ,a wino (I don't drink),will shag anything that moves (I've been with dp for the last 11 years-its hardly a new slur,Anne Boleyn had the same hurled at her 500 years ago),am full of pure spite,she has no idea why 'she's like that' and my personal favourite-i have a personality disorder and belong in broadmoor

She will come up with any reason to avoid having to look at herself and admit to being anything less than perfect

The rest of them pop up occasionally to try to pull me back in but I just laugh at them-ive worked too hard at my life to have them destroy it

My mother cut me off whenever I called her out on her behaviour. I spent a lot of time trying to build some sort of relationship with her. I finally realised she just didn’t care and never really had. She’d been a terrible mother. The last time she cut me off to punish me I didn’t go back. That was 17 years ago. I doubt I’ll ever see her again. She has grandchildren that she doesn’t know.

My mother was an abusive alcoholic while I was growing up. She is sober now but still says nasty hurtful things and constantly criticises. I most recently went NC after a health issue caused a major change in my appearance and I realised how stressed I was about how she'd mock me for it. I realised that wasn't a normal way for a mother to make a daughter feel at a vulnerable time, so I just stayed away.

She doesn't understand. To her, since the abusive behaviour was in the past, it is irrelevant and I am now 'too sensitive' and need to 'toughen up' when she says unkind things. She doesn't seem to understand that I am happier not having a relationship with her and so regardless of whether or not I am objectively sensitive, I don't need to change to suit her.

She thinks she was a wonderful mother because I had lots of toys and went to ballet classes, and that I'm just ungrateful.