I feel so trapped.
IF YOU RECONGISE ME IN THE DETAILS OF THIS POST, PLEASE DON'T OUT ME.
Had my eldest child at 21, abusive relationship which I left and I spent a long time single. Met a new partner when eldest was 10, who seemed great. Had another child when eldest was 14. It felt like a fresh start at family life. Baby was planned.
A year into being parents he decided he was very sad and miserable with family life, and I suspected his head had been turned (I was right). Relationship ended in 2020 during lockdowns, bereavements, etc. It was an awful time.
My eldest has SEN. He is in his early 20s and still very dependent. He is also very anxious, negative, and pedantic. His dad amped up being shitty during the lockdowns and now DS1 refuses to see him. He has a PA through direct payments for a few hours a week but I have to manage all of the timesheets, wages, taxes, the bank account, be an employer, and do the annual audits. So it's nice for him but actually gives me more work and stress.
My youngest is now 7 and reminds me of me (in that I masked being audhd until my 40s). He's clever and funny but very hyper, anxious, sensory, demanding and has a bit of a rebellious streak. He doesn't like school and I can easily see him becoming a school refuser as the demands there ramp up. His dad has both boys one night a week. DS1 masks at dad's house and at school, dad's house isn't great (DS won't poo there as the loo is so bad) and he still prioritises his social life tbh, his relationship after he left here wasn't healthy and involved SS calling me, etc.
I love my youngest so so much, and to be brutally honest he is probably the reason I'm still here. But if I'd known I would be a single parent all over again I'd likely have made different choices. I feel awful saying that but it's true.
I'm not able to have much of a life of my own as the two kid's and their very different needs take up a lot of my time and energy. I worked from home through most of my eldest's childhood and returned after ds2 maternity but couldn't do the work juggle and the single mum thing so haven't worked since 2020.
I had to cancel a prolapse operation last month that I've waited years for as I had no one to help.
It was my birthday yesterday and my sisters gave me cards, my youngest gave me the cards his dad had helped both boys with, and my eldest forgot and I had to point out at lunchtime that it was my birthday. My mum isn't great and I've no card from her.
I feel like I'm just existing. Sometimes I can put on a smile but at the moment I'm really struggling.