How much to spend on MIL?

[FIPPIN]

My future MIL is a wonderful and generous woman who recently gave us a substantial monetary gift to get us onto the property ladder and contribute to our wedding. Thanks to her help we were able to buy a small three bed but as a result we also have a huge mortgage.

DP and I are not spenders. While we love doing fun things, we just always prioritise saving as we are not high income and want to have a child after our wedding (which has gone over budget by £5k!)

Future MIL is coming to visit us for 16 days arriving this week. While wealthy her husband has a similar mindset to us and they limit doing fun things. So whenever she's away from him she can easily get over excited and go crazy. She is not from the UK so everything here is too expensive. She is coming to help a bit with out new property. I believe she will expect that she comes and pays for her flight but we front most of the costs once she's here.

The things she has sent me that she wants to do are in the hundreds of pounds and if we do it all over a thousand.

Professional theatre show £75pp and there are 3 of us. 8 course tasting menu £95pp. Massages £65pp. Escape room £105 for the room. Axe throwing £35pp. Bottomless brunch £40pp. There are lots of restaurants too.

We just never do anything like this. We eat out once a month for £30-40 total and just buy a main each. She will order cocktails and desserts etc.

I feel sick thinking about the cost. But she has been so generous to us that i wonder if we should just suck it up? Communication around this in the past has been challenging as she will appear to understand then order lots of food while DP and i order a salad.

DP thinks we should just do what she wants as she never gets to have much fun. I think we should set a budget. I'm thinking £400. which is still eye watering. DP says we can only really do two things in the 16 days here with that budget.

We have £10k in savings but are not due to add anything to savings in the next 12 months while we pay off wedding and home etc. So anything we spend would be from this pot.

what sort of budget would you set for MIL visit in this instance, excluding all the supermarket food which we will be proving anyway?

Tell MIL that you are saving for her grandchild. Hopefully that will reign in her spending

I wouldnt put up with any of this nonsense.

Hmm you sound a bit misguided with finances. Why did you buy a 3 bed if that is stretching you beyond your means?
How much exactly did MIL give? I guess it's substantial and that is why there is an element of treating her when she visits.
Can some of the ideas be scaled back?

How much was the substantial monetary gift?

You don’t have a sofa to sit on, and you also can’t afford to go out much? What do you expect MIL to do while she’s staying?

Can you postpone her visit?

Can your DH go out with her to eg theater, and you go out with her to Eg lunch at places where you pay up front?

Can you say things are booked out?

Also explain money is really tight even though she’s given you all this money as a gift. Take her to the supermarket with you, show her the price of things, tell her you’re saving for maternity leave and her future grandchildren, tell her the wedding has gone over budget etc. Just don’t hide the fact.

Oh dear OP...what have you got yourself into here....
Sounds a guddle.....

axe throwing really ?
and your theatre is a bargain at £75 a ticket

"Your list of ideas sounds like a lot of fun! Unfortunately with money being all tied up in the wedding and house we are quite limited in what we can spend for a while, so we can't tick off the whole list this visit but we would love treat you to (thing you'd also enjoy) while you are here."

This is a good response, especially as you probably should treat her to a couple of treat outings.

OP, I know I’m echoing PPs, but how much did MIL give? Whether YABU depends quite a lot on whether it was 10k or 100k!

I think having taken their money you will have to suck it up to a certain extent but if you can find some free things to mix in with the expensive things, split up a bit as others have suggested so you do some things with her, your DP others and nix a few of the ideas “sorry, axe throwing just isn’t our thing” you might be able to make it manageable. Having someone to stay who expects a full schedule of events sounds exhausting though!

"Looking forward to you getting here, tell me which activity you want to do out of these because we can only afford to do one with the wedding and house. Can't wait to see you x"

It sounds like your in laws have been incredibly generous to you with a gift in the tens of thousands of pounds. However it sounds like your MIL is a prolific spender who your FIL has to try to rein in and your fiancé does not need to let her dictate all the terms. She could spend half your £10k savings while she is here if you don’t have a budget.

You need to find plenty of interesting but cheaper things to do while she is here. eg do the £40 brunch but not the £95 tasting menu. Do a beautiful walk that ends at a nice cafe for tea and cake. Lunch at a nice but reasonably priced restaurant then a free art gallery. Visit a stately home of they don’t exist in her country. Cook her favourite food at home. Get Netflix for the month and do movie nights with popcorn.

Mention that cash funds are low due to the house, wedding and saving for maternity. If she doesn’t understand then tough.

Who is picking these activities?
I would get round it by having a fun packed agenda based on inexpensive activities and discounted restaurants booked through First Table or similar. Anything like massages or axe throwing I would simply decline.

You’ll probably receive some monetary gifts for your wedding that may help.

If you book a spa-day for her as a thank you gift
she would be out of your hair for a while and it may cover some of the items on her list you would also have alone time to re-group !