Is this the right approach for my prick of a boss?

[twigtoleaf]

My boss is a prick. I could give a million examples, but he's on the radar of executive for being generally slack and rude and unpleasant and I was told recently, and quietly, by exec member that she now sees all emails from our general team email address.

In a meeting last week we were talking about doing some more work in aged care. He said casually to me 'So what do we call people in aged care, is it inmates?' (He thinks he's witty but his wit is always, always punching down. and not funny.)

I said, no, it's residents. And he moved on.

This year my mum moved into aged care with dementia and a broken hip. It's been very difficult and sad and he knows this.

If I send an email 'clarifying language guidelines' to 'avoid reputational damage and ensure we are using the correct language now we are working more in this space' and cc the team, exec can see it. He will be in the shit.

Is there anyone in HR who can tell me if this is a good move or not? I will of course be polite. I could go to HR myself but I feel like this is calmer and will call him out to the rest of the team. He is already on notice for unprofessional language.

I don’t think this one comment merits such an email. From this one example (I appreciate there may be more to it) it sounds as if you are the one with the problem.
Let it go!

What you should do if this really concerns you is speak to him directly. “I wanted to pick up on your reference to “inmates”. My mother is going into care so I didn’t find this funny. I don’t think she was should use such language in front of the team because other people may find it offensive.”

Personally I wouldn’t say that to my boss but that would be the decent way to approach this, rather than sending prissy emails to be read by exec or going to HR.

Autocorrect has scrambled this - it should say “you should” not “she was should”.

AI can also do this, a few meetings I have at work have notes produced at the end and emailed

I think it’s funny. Maybe inappropriate but I certainly wouldn’t be grassing him up in front of everyone - they’ll know what you’re doing and it could back fire. If exec is reading emails, they have too much time on their hands. Public sector by any chance?

But your opinion isn't the be all and end all.

It was just a little quip that you didn't find funny, and that's fine, you don't have to but it doesn't mean you're in the right🤷‍♂️

I agree with reporting to HR. The nasty man was aware of your personal situation.

OK not going to send out passive aggressive email correcting his use of the word inmate for someone in aged care. It does run the risk of making me look petty and creating tension within the team. I am going to get on with my work tomorrow, talk to HR privately, and add it to my record of offensive things he has said about vulnerable people. Fingers crossed the trash will take itself out in this case.

Will add, though, that if you haven't had to put a parent into care you don't understand just how vile and stupid and cruel this comment is.

If you have a parent in aged care and you think I'm being oversensitive or lacking in humour, please feel free to correct me. If you haven't, frankly, your opinion doesn't mean a thing to me.

There's a time and a place for jokes. A person of authority making a joke about vulnerable people in a professional capacity is not appropriate

There's a difference between saying "I went to see my mum at the weekend, her and the other inmate's at her home were enjoying a mid afternoon tipple"
And we need to write a brochure for an elder care facility, what do we call them? Inmates?

Context, time and place is key.

My partner and I would joke when my daughter was in nursery that the nursery staff were zoo keepers as a joke. We wouldn't jokingly or otherwise refer to them personally as zoo keepers as that wouldn't be appropriate. The nursery staff joking in front of potential parents that the children were zoo animals would not be appropriate

I get what you are saying but there's nothing sad about toddlers in a nursery - it is a kind of happy chaos and very much the joyful side of caring.

Nursing homes are at the other end of life and caring and having your parent leave their home and go and live in a care home is not a happy thing like the first day of nursery is. To put it bluntly, they are going to die in there.

It's part of life, I accept it, but when I am at work, trying to do my job and not think about my mother and what kind of day she is having, I don't need some arrogant man innocently asking me what people in care homes are called, is it inmates?

Let's just say, he would not have let that slip had my CEO been in the room.

He chooses his moments very carefully and I have seen again and again that he gets a real thrill out of humiliating and upsetting people.

Not to drip feed but he also likes to creep up behind women quietly and scare them. Again, deniable, but he doesn't do it to the CEO....

I’m sure you’re right that he is a vile, insensitive prick, but I don’t think this is the right hill for you to choose to die on.

I know a man who often refers "jokingly" to residents of a care/nursing home as the "inmates". His mother is one of the residents (as is my father - that’s how I know him). I don’t find it funny but I wouldn't take offence at it.

I had a granny who has died within the last two months who was in a care home and a grandad who was in a care home for 5 years before his death. I definitely think it could be funny, but I can also see why some people won't like it. My granny was extremely unhappy that she was stuck in a care home and would frankly have concurred with the word inmate!

But ultimately if someone has been being generally disrespectful then it's not going to land in the same way as someone who you know cares incredibly deeply for the people involved. So I probably would leave this particular instance if it was on its own, but if it's a pattern of disrespect that's a very different thing - and it sounds like it is a pattern of disrespect.

I don't think this will reflect well on you. Leave well alone.

WTF!

I think that it's ok for the resident/service users to call themselves inmates if that's their type of humour. It's not ok for staff to do so.

Look my humour in there, with my family, can get pretty dark. But not at work, in front of much younger colleagues.

It's absolutely the pattern of disrespect and the fact that he made the comment to me, knowing my mum's situation, which I never bring to work and he certainly never asks about and has no experience of whatsoever (yet.)

If he can't show any compassion he doesn't get to make snide jokes.

But I will leave it and talk to HR.

Bullshit.

If a group of men making jokes about, say, someone’s breasts…they all found it hysterically funny but one person didn’t, would that make it right? Of course not.

and this is in the professional context of a client perspective, with the added point that the dickhead knows about the OP’s mother…it is absolutely NOT appropriate.

agree with a direct report to HR though, not the email.

@Ineffable23 Sorry about your granny, thank you for understanding and yes, it's hard for them and they have a right to be unhappy.

thanks KwellsBells. I knew mumsnet would steer me right (once you filter the baiters there's a lot of wise advice on here). Will take a deep breath and report to HR.

I think it's so hard when people are insidious in their bad behaviour. It sounds like he calculates his behaviour quite carefully so each individual comment is "below the line" in terms of meeting a threshold of bullying/inappropriate behaviour but where overall he's clearly a massive dick.

You are in a bit of a sticky situation because of that - I can imagine I might have referred to the residents in my granny's home as inmates, even to my granny - but I never would have referred to my granddad as one to my other granny because I know she would have found that really upsetting. So context is everything in these, and it sounds like the context here is that he doesn't generally care about the people you guys care for.

It's a really unpleasant situation all round and I hope he gets got rid of soon.

ineffable23 I hope he's gone soon too. It's a lovely job and I am lucky to have it, otherwise I'd be looking around.

Honestly passive aggressive won’t go down well. It will likely backfire on you as he will know it’s aimed at him and he will likely single you out. If you genuinely have a problem with him and you think it’s justofied, then follow your processes.

I'd report him and record future meetings, if that's allowed by your organisation

We used to record all Teams meetings

He called the recipients of care 'inmates'.

What's the point in clutching at straws and going off on a tangent about breasts? 🙄

And the OP's mother being in care, doesn't automatically mean she wouldn't smile at 'inmates'.

And nor does it give her the right to decide that calling them inmates is a terrible joke.

I'm so glad that I'm retired. The workplace really is toxic now and I'm not talking about the guy who made an off the cuff quip.