Should we still contribute to MIL's birthday party after the date choice restrict us from going?

[Singasongatwentypence]

MIL’s big birthday is coming up. She wants to celebrate at a hotel. SIL was originally very keen, said MIL was only okay with doing it at home because she’d been “led” that way, and that the cost “wasn’t that much.” SIL even picked a date.

DH told SIL (not MIL) that while he could get there, it would be hard for us as a family — DC has school and sports he can’t miss, which also ties me down.
Context: after a medical crisis, SIL took total control of MIL’s finances. Anything spent has to be signed off by her. There’s a pattern: SIL quietly sets it up that MIL “needs” something, then those plans vanish once the money would come from the estate rather than from us. We had to push hard that MIL actually needed care and a proper shower (instead of endless bed baths), and that it should come from her money, not ours.

The pattern has now repeated. We didn’t offer to pay, so SIL’s enthusiasm dropped — now supposedly because of MIL’s “deep concern” about cost.

Tonight MIL said she’s keen on the hotel and that she knew she’d chosen a date “you DIL couldn’t do.” So she heard about our attendance issues from SIL and decided it didn’t matter.

We had privately talked about contributing anyway, plus a gift we know she’d like. They don’t know that. I now feel aggrieved that MIL was almost bullish about a date I can’t do, and that SIL was inflating a cost concern MIL doesn’t even seem to have — apparently to solicit funds (which, unbeknownst to her, had kind of worked).

Do we still offer a contribution?

@UniquePinkSwanif OP and her DH have joint finances as many married couples do, it's a joint decision.

@wildnwilde so just because we have the money we should be the atm? @MinnieMountain Yes, joint finances.

This, which I can't see OP has answered.

You are insinuating that your SIL is finding ways to release money out of your MIL's estate.

You really need more of a formal, joint POA or at the very least, your husband's sister must be transparent regarding all expenditure.

Just send MIL a card or arrange to go and visit her.

Absolutely not.
SIL has organised this on her own.

No way would i contribute a penny.
I would say this is your solo run.
We will do something with MIL, like take her out for dinner with the children at a date that suits US.

I wouldn't entertain this at all.
If your MIL is being financially exploited, call Age UK for advice.

No one is obliged to do anything . It depends who you are as Person and what your personal values and beliefs are . IF (I don't)I had plenty of money and could contribute for my family id be really happy to do so and bring some joy esp if it wouldn't take away anything from my immediate family and lifestyle. You cant take it with you and I don't see what you gain from saying nonexceot the joy of being mean and having the control to stay no and prove a point ,personally I think that's just petty and a bit mean spirited . That doesn't mean I'm right and your wrong . I've answered your question based on my beliefs and values and what I would do in your situation if certain circumstances existed . Yours are clearly different so I don't know why you've come on a public forum to ask . Your clearly ok with your view and decision so crack on . If it makes you feel better to make the point make it and get on with your life . I'm sure your MIL will do something appropriate for her celebration with or without your contributions. As they say money is the root of all evil and is a cruel mistress .

I don't think you necessarily have to pay but I 100 percent think you should make the effort to go as its a big birthday assuming that your husband generally has a positive relationship with his mum/ a decent upbringing etc. The relationship with SIL should not influence anything.

No dont pay for hotel. I would buy a gift and also mark the birthday in some way by taking her out for lunch on a day that suits.

If dh not able to see her at all around her birthday I might pay for the hotel but tbh I dont think paying for it makes up for not celebrating in some way.

Unless there’s an agreement you’re splitting it between all the siblings as a joint gift from you all then I wouldn’t pay for it. But
surely you could go if you wanted to. DS is a teenager by the sounds of it so should be able to sort himself out and get to/from his school and sports stuff without needing his mum. If you don’t want to go because you don’t like SIL/don’t agree with what she’s organising then fine but it’s a bit silly to use a teen as an excuse.

Just tell mil you will take her out for dinner or something when you see her. Don't contribute.

Out of curiosity, what would happen if they were too ill to attend?

I can't see why a one off would be such an impact- parents only life so long.

There's absolutely no way I'd pay for a celebration we couldn't attend and didn't work for us. I'd not mention it and just say that's ashame it's been booked on a day we are unavailable as a family. Hope you have a lovely day and wel see you on another day with your birthday present.

No, step away from the madness.

You hope MIL has a good time. You will pop over and see her on x date with a present. The party is not your business or responsibility

is The party on her actual birthday weekend

if the one before or after could you make it and do it

big party with friends and Family , I would try and make it and arrange DS travel etc with a friend

if not going no shouldn’t pay for it

def check out mums finances and agree mum shouldn’t pay for her own party if sil suggested it

Don’t contribute to this. You and your DH tell MIL/ SIL that you already have unbreakable commitments on the day they’ve chosen, and what a shame it is that none of you can go.

Then arrange to take MIL out on a day you actually can make, and pay for that.

I think it's a pretty feeble excuse for missing an important family birthday.

is it just a meal and an overnight stay? If yes - then dh goes, he pays for half of his mum’s meal and half the cost of her room

Then you say how disappointed you are that you and dgc cannot make it and promise to take her to lunch next time you meet up

@HelpfulHelena @Spiffingdarling88 I understand your curiosity but it is genuinely outing to say so I won't comment more than I have. It doesn't help that when DC was young MIL was extremely dismissive of them because at that point they weren't as "forward" as their amazing cousin (SIL's child), something that was rubbed in our faces as at any opportunity. So, I guess I don't particularly feel the need to disrupt something so utterly considering it would need discussions with a number of different people to even contemplate approval. They can do it the week after when we aren't so committed. It's not like MIL has anywhere she needs to be.

No, no, absolutely no!

We are the wealthier part of our extended family, and have dealt with a lot of hinting/outright requests for money. Our experience is that any time you give in it just makes them ask for more next time!

Just reply to MIL saying what a lovely idea to celebrate in a hotel, unfortunately as SIL knows your family is not available on that date, but you hope she has a lovely time.

And then buy her whatever gift you normally would, do not chip in a penny towards this party. It’s been booked on a day you can’t go, so clearly you’re not even invited!

Present, job done
However, DH needs to make sure there is no financial abuse going on

Perhaps it's more along the lines of performing in a school play? In which case, no, he shouldn't just skip it in order to go to a small family party which could easily have been held on a different date.

Says in the OP sports he can't miss.

Thats fair enough. Im just a little biased because my parents had both passed away by the time I had my children and abit envious of children having grandparents.

It sounds like you aren't being unreasonable.

Aren’t big birthdays for the senior members of the family normally attended by all generations? Doesn’t she want her grandchildren there? With her very busy schedule it must be so hard to fit in a party, I guess she just can’t find a date they can attend, is that it?

@Ponderingwindow she isn't busy. She has 24 hour care. She can't get out the house unless she's pushed and has a team of people behind her. There's no where she has to be. @Spiffingdarling88 that's understandable, but the difference between GP's is, like everything else, vast.