Should we still contribute to MIL's birthday party after the date choice restrict us from going?

[Singasongatwentypence]

MIL’s big birthday is coming up. She wants to celebrate at a hotel. SIL was originally very keen, said MIL was only okay with doing it at home because she’d been “led” that way, and that the cost “wasn’t that much.” SIL even picked a date.

DH told SIL (not MIL) that while he could get there, it would be hard for us as a family — DC has school and sports he can’t miss, which also ties me down.
Context: after a medical crisis, SIL took total control of MIL’s finances. Anything spent has to be signed off by her. There’s a pattern: SIL quietly sets it up that MIL “needs” something, then those plans vanish once the money would come from the estate rather than from us. We had to push hard that MIL actually needed care and a proper shower (instead of endless bed baths), and that it should come from her money, not ours.

The pattern has now repeated. We didn’t offer to pay, so SIL’s enthusiasm dropped — now supposedly because of MIL’s “deep concern” about cost.

Tonight MIL said she’s keen on the hotel and that she knew she’d chosen a date “you DIL couldn’t do.” So she heard about our attendance issues from SIL and decided it didn’t matter.

We had privately talked about contributing anyway, plus a gift we know she’d like. They don’t know that. I now feel aggrieved that MIL was almost bullish about a date I can’t do, and that SIL was inflating a cost concern MIL doesn’t even seem to have — apparently to solicit funds (which, unbeknownst to her, had kind of worked).

Do we still offer a contribution?

I’m a bit confused and have no idea why you would contribute. Just buy her a birthday gift.

No.

If (as I am inferring from your post) your MiL has only 2 dc, then any sort of celebration should surely have the date agreed by both of those children, before any decisions were taken.
If one of them (your SiL) wants to book something on a date both dc and their families can't do, then obviously she can't expect any contribution from you.

If I were your dh, I'd be talking to Mum and explain your side of her family ca't do "the 12th" or whenever it is, but that you'd like to come over and take her out for a meal / afternoon tea / a day out on either "19th" "26th" or, if she'd prefer, the week before, on "5th". As he'd be using your family money for that celelbration, he won't have it for the one his sister arranges.

Does sil actually have POA?

Surely mil party comes out of her funds? Just get her a gift

I wouldn’t expect a parent to pay for their own party if the children throw them a party then surely they pay for it. It comes across that your husband initially said the date was ok and then you’re both now saying it isn’t

@JAYZEEB no we never said the date would be ok and as they know what our DC is involved with it never could have been.

Also, this isn’t an implication that the siblings should pay. Just us. We have always been expected to pay for stuff and never ask for anything to be paid back. MIL in contrast has always made a big thing that she would ‘always’ ensure SIL is never out of pocket ever.

Sod that for a bunch of soldiers then @Singasongatwentypence basically mil
and SIL want a party for them they plan and you pay for?

why is mil such a shit mum to your dh?

Just don’t offer any money. No normal person would in this circumstance

Does the date really not work - are we talking about a dc missing a weekend game of say football and getting home late on a Sunday if you go or something much more. I think for a big birthday everyone should be making compromises. Midweek, yes I imagine that would be tricky with school if you have some distance to go.

You are I assume in the uncomfortable position of being the most financially comfortable family in your DH family.

They don’t get to choose how you spend your money.

We have done everything we can to never let on how well off we are because I just hate the expectation. I did used to help but am one of 5 sisters and 1 especially always expected a handout. After our Mother died I just put a stop to it.

@Monndayhello it really doesn’t work. It’s not a general sports fixture, more a set of school commitments. Like a coursework session for a gcse as well as committed time towards a school event. I don’t want to be too specific. But they are non negotiable

No of course it shouldn't be just you and DH paying! Fine if all the siblings want to club together and treat MIL to a meal out, that is normal. Expecting one sibling to foot the bill is not.

It’s bizarre. How can they be so spectacularly stupid that their behaviour has moved me from a position of sympathy for the situation to deciding it’s just not something I can contribute to.

I certainly wouldn't contribute if SIL isn't. Either both siblings pay or neither.

Does sil do all of the care? If your husband doesn’t do “his half” of the looking after, it may be that sil feels like the financial side of things is his contribution…..
Still a bit entitled to assume rather than ask, but it looks like he has assumed that she’ll do more of the care.

What does DH say?

this scenario sounds familiar - have you posted about it before?

i agree you dont need to pay for the party - buy her a birthday gift that cant be co-opted and have her round /take her out for twa and cake or whatever at a date that suits better.

@Singasongatwentypence Make Sil understand that your atm is closed and that any costs have to be supported by Mil. Are you sure she's not going through her finances for herself? She doesn't sound very reliable only thinking about keeping inheritance intact. Give a gift to Mil and just don't discuss the rest since you won't even be there.

I'd assumed all siblings were sharing the cost, which I'm still not sure I'd contribute to unless it was hard to find a suitable alternative date. But if it's all on you hell no!

@Aabbcc1235 not in any way shape or form. She’s not close to either set of families and he sees her just as much as SIL which takes him for days away from us, which I do understand

Ok I’ll go against the grain - I think you should find alternative care for your son and go to your MIL’s big party. If he’s coming up to GCSE age I’d expect there to be friends he could be with for a few hours or overnight and I’d be unimpressed that you were citing some boring school arrangement as a reason not to be at a big family celebration, even if your ds can’t be there.

I can see that the dynamic with your SIL and her carer role is pretty odd, and if you are definitely going you can be a bit more forceful about alternative dates but I wouldn’t let her detach you from your MIL. I also wouldn’t contribute tbh. Offer to make a cake or get a cake made or something? Or pay for a separate round of champagne or whatever?

I can’t see what any of this has to do with you honestly. You didn’t choose the date or the location and as far as I can tell, your MIL didn’t either. So that is a very strange start.

But yes, if this is a landmark birthday and your MIL wants to have the family together to celebrate I’m struggling to see what possible commitment your son could have that would mean it was totally impossible for the entire day. Can you do dinner instead of lunch? Or lunch instead of dinner?

The money side… too many variables here. Is your husband a big earner and your SIL would struggle? Can your MIL easily afford it?

What does your DH want to do. It is his mother after all

I wouldn’t contribute no, its SIL who wants it at the hotel, at someone else’s expense. Essentially if you throw a party, you pay for it.

For me it would depend on my household financial situation. If it would make no difference to my standard of living and I was financially comfortable I wouldn't be bothered . If it meant we had to juggle or go without out own family luxuries I'd say no . I'd also take into account SIL financial situation,are you alot more well off than her.etc.,if you are both the same id expect costa to be split . If neither of you are particularly well off then MIL should pay herself of shenhas the means . I think it really does depend on the circumstances of everybody .