Honestly wish I’d been an only child

[goldenbox]

I have a brother who is a bit older than me; he is now 48, I’m 46. Of course I do care about him and while I’m aware it’s horrible if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

He is autistic without a shadow of a doubt but since he was born at the end of the 1970s there wasn’t as much known about it and also there was some denial from my mum (I think when his lack of speech was raised as a concern it was done in an accusatory way but of course I can’t know!) We had various struggles growing up, it was always hard being known as X’s sister but nothing major. Our mum died when we were teenagers and he majorly went off the rails then, flunked his a levels but still went to university on a bit of a technicality then failed there so went to a different university, struggled there but managed to get a degree, tried various things and courses and eventually qualified as a nurse - looking back I can’t think of a profession less suited to him! He was suspended from the nursing register a couple of years later but then after three years or so got back on it. He got a job as a nurse but was suspended from it for nearly two years before being dismissed. So that was the period from 2010-2020. He then went to university to do another qualification which took him until 2023, much angst and hospital stays and stress and he passed but no job has come of it, he’s worked as a nurse again but been dismissed again and referred to the regulatory body again (I think this is the fifth time.) Every time this happens it sort of consumes him, he becomes absolutely obsessed with it and sends endless long emails to his MP and solicitors and anyone he can get to listen and sends them to me asking me to read them and what do I think …

I honestly just wish the NMC would strike him off and have done with it, but I can’t really say that.

The problem is as I get older I just seem to have less and less patience and kindness with him. Increasingly I find his messages irritating and I resent even reading them. I am bored to tears with this longstanding battle he’s locked himself in and I want to say honestly that he shouldn’t be anywhere near vulnerable people. I can help in a practical sense up to a point but emotionally I’m just done. It’s a terrible thing to say but I just wish he didn’t exist and I could live my life in peace. I sometimes imagine what a life I could have known without him!

im sorry you are struggling. It can be tough having a sibling with additional needs that you feel responsible for.
i hope you’ll get some helpful responses from posters who have experience with ND. can you get counselling for yourself?

he sounds like he cannot really work. Does he have MH support? Can you redirect to them?

Sounds like you haven't fully and deeply understood that he's not your responsibility. It's a choice to have any kind of relationship with him at all, and then a choice to set the boundaries of how much you want to see him and be involved in his life. You obviously need more distance from him: you are fully entitled to establish this distance according to your needs, not his.
Some counselling or therapy would help you find the strength to do this. His life and problems are his responsibility. He's an adult.

@HinzKunz he absolutely cannot work but he cannot accept that he can’t work and that’s incredibly hard. He spends hours job hunting and tailoring applications for the jobs and harassing the people advertising the jobs only for nothing to come of it.

@TemporarilyCantDoMyself so genuinely what would you do? Block his number, move house, I’m asking honestly not being snarky. What would you do? Because he kind of is my responsibility but it is so hard as I didn’t choose to have him in the same way you would a child. He’s an adult but in many ways can barely function,

honestly cut him off. block him. people cut family off all the time and he shouldn't be any different.. don't live a miserable life just to be a martyr.. block, delete, ignore and breathhh

I know you're not being snarky, it's ok!
Tell me more what the day-to-day is like now.
How close to him do you live? How much and via what media does he contact you? Is he knocking on your door much, real person real time?
Does he have a partner? Do you? Because so far you speak as if it's only you and him.

He lives in the next village. He used to live in my dad’s old house (dad died twelve years ago) but it went to complete ruin with nothing working properly; filthy, cold, toilet broken. I encouraged him to sell it and he moved closer to us. It wasn’t really any less stressful when he lived a longer way away though! He also had a bit of a weird thing going on with an alcoholic neighbour where I think he was providing him with alcohol, but in doing so inducing the wrath of this man’s family (who were a bit rough shall we say!)

I am married but he is single, doesn’t have anyone else, I also have two little children and work part time.

@ilbehonest I would have to move away as well! I know on here people block and delete all the time but in RL it’s harder to do.

So what does your DH think? Can you get him to back you up?

So united front - no we can't see you this weekend, we're doing x y and z with the children. Create distance and space.
Just repeating this - he's NOT your responsibility.
You have to learn how to ignore him and sit with the difficult feelings that arise in you about it.

Well, I think DH would rather he didn’t exist but the fact is he does exist and is just a constant drain as awful as that sounds, financial and emotional.

But that's the point, it doesn't sound awful for you to say that. It's true. So you need to own it and act on it and to some extent ignore the guilt you feel in order to free yourself. He's not your child.

I have extended family members like this, on both sides actually.

For me the key is to be quite brutally honest. You think he shouldn't be a nurse - tell him. You think his complaints to employers and MP are misguided - tell him, briefly. "No I'm not helping you with this because I think you're wasting your time with it".

There'll be two possible outcomes: either A) his eyes will be opened and he'll go seek some lab technician work or something like that more suited to him. (Unlikely). Or B) he'll decide you aren't the sympathetic angel he thought you were and go bother someone else to read his MP email drafts. There might be a short term drama where he's rude to you about it but just weather it and he'll go away.

Win-win for you.

I do sympathise with you, OP. My brother has learning difficulties, and needs lots of support; we are older than you. I used to feel a lot of responsibility for my DB, but it felt more and more of a burden as time went by. My DSis, who doesn't feel the same level of responsibility as me, suggested we find some outside support. We have managed to do this, I still felt it was my job to help him.

Eventually DSis, told me, he doesn't actually care who he uses, and he does use people, so I should stop doing so much for him, he has help.
It has taken time, but by stepping back, my life is so much better for it.
It does sound as if your DB is better equipped in life than mine; step back, ignore him sometimes. You cannot sort out his life for him. Don't read his emails, delete them.

I totally understand this, and anyone who has been locked in being the emotional bucket into which a close relative purges themselves endlessly for decades, will understand it too.

It’s ok to choose yourself. No one else will choose you. Your brother definitely won’t. You didn’t cause this. You can’t control this. You can’t fix this. I would go no contact, block his calls and even possibly move away. It will never change so you have two clear choices. Accept this will make you miserable until your last day on this earth, or make real changes now by going no contact. No matter how hard that might be.

Mine is still living in his childhood bedroom like a 14 year old. He’s 47.

I have no idea what to do when my Dad dies.

how is it affecting you? If he spends hours applying for jobs that should have zero impact on you. If he writes long emails to his MP that doesn’t affect you either. Skim read messages, disengage. I don’t know why you can’t find peace.

how is it affecting you? If he spends hours applying for jobs that should have zero impact on you. If he writes long emails to his MP that doesn’t affect you either. Skim read messages, disengage. I don’t know why you can’t find peace.

Because you’re saying Yes when he asks to borrow money and don’t stop him from telling you things you aren’t interested in, nip that in the bud, he can’t have a conversation if you end it . You need to change your behaviour, you can’t make him change his

I have a similar sibling and totally understand, you have my sympathy! For people saying just cut him off - that's not realistic and if it was I expect you would have done it by now!

What helps me is accepting that my sibling will always have these difficulties and that I can't change that. I used to do a lot more to try and help sort things out but it never works...there's always the next problem and it ends up with me frustrated and worn out. So now, I make sympathetic noises and don't take on the responsibility of sorting things out for them. I've dropped the rope a bit and sort of compartmentalised them into a box that I only deal with in small bursts and don't let it bleed into my whole life. That's really the only way I can deal with it. I also don't allow myself to ruminate on the future and how they will end up - I more sort of live in the moment and tell myself what will be will be.

You can't change how life is for your brother, because you can't change how he is. What you can do is make a determined effort to not allow his problems to take over your life. It's not easy (I know from experience!) but it's all you can do.

It’s a fair question as to how it affects me. It feels like one more thing, one more demand, one more ‘can you just.‘ even if I say no, it is still stressful.

I don’t think those saying that I’ve caused this understand autism very well! They are persistent, to say the least!

Why does he keep going back to being a nurse when he is clearly not suited to it? (As an aside, it's shocking someone can be suspended/dismissed over and over again and yet still get hired!) Perhaps you need to be blunt and say you know uni was tough, he should be proud he got his degree(s), but very few people end up working in the field they did their degree in and he needs to focus on getting a job that better meets his skills. Would he consider going to a therapist/counsellor to help him work out the best direction for him? You don't have to be the one taking on the role of giving him advice or sorting out his problems. You can tell him options he may not be aware of (training, career counselling, whatever will work for him), but don't have to spoonfeed solutions to him.

As for the long texts/emails about the latest job issue: glance at the text to check the content, then delete it. You don't have to answer. If he's talking to you in person, say, 'that sounds tough,' then change the subject. (I'm aware it's not that easy and he'll probably keep going back to it, but you don't have to indulge him. Find a phrase or action that stops the loop.) Decide what your boundaries need to be, tell him, and then live your life that way.

@C152 you can literally say this to him, he’ll agree ‘yeah, yeah’ and then apply for seven jobs the next week.

I guess the alternative is worse for him.

I'm sorry, @goldenbox . It sounds extremely tough for you. As terrible as it sounds, it you need to reduce support or even cut him off to save yourself...do it. Let's say you continued as you are and stressed yourself into an early grave...he'd find someone else to support him shortly after. (My situation was totally different. I chose between indulging a sick, elderly relative - who did need support, to be fair - and being the 24/7 carer for my extremely sick child. I did what I could for my relative, but I know they thought it wasn't enough and were unhappy I was no longer doing as much as I used to. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but I think I would have had a heart attack if I'd tried to do more.)

Just mute him and respond once a week. Dont engage in his battles. Start realising you are not responsible for him.

You need to archive his messages for the entire week. Do not read them and turn notifications off.

It gets like this in families - for different reasons I won't be responding to someone today (its not important). You cant let others consume you OP.

Just lie that you read his missives to the MP. But be honest that you don't think it'll help. Try and go longer and longer without responding other than to say hi, sorry I'm really busy I'll speak to you when I can. You do need to distance yourself from him in some way.

I have one these, I just dont respond. I didnt even bother to block, I just mute the accounts and never even bother to read the messages. And eventually they stop coming. In person, grey rock, smile nod dont engage keep conversation to the superficial. Its you giving it power, start removing him from your thoughts and eventually youll realise you havent thought of him in months.