Honestly wish I’d been an only child

[goldenbox]

I have a brother who is a bit older than me; he is now 48, I’m 46. Of course I do care about him and while I’m aware it’s horrible if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

He is autistic without a shadow of a doubt but since he was born at the end of the 1970s there wasn’t as much known about it and also there was some denial from my mum (I think when his lack of speech was raised as a concern it was done in an accusatory way but of course I can’t know!) We had various struggles growing up, it was always hard being known as X’s sister but nothing major. Our mum died when we were teenagers and he majorly went off the rails then, flunked his a levels but still went to university on a bit of a technicality then failed there so went to a different university, struggled there but managed to get a degree, tried various things and courses and eventually qualified as a nurse - looking back I can’t think of a profession less suited to him! He was suspended from the nursing register a couple of years later but then after three years or so got back on it. He got a job as a nurse but was suspended from it for nearly two years before being dismissed. So that was the period from 2010-2020. He then went to university to do another qualification which took him until 2023, much angst and hospital stays and stress and he passed but no job has come of it, he’s worked as a nurse again but been dismissed again and referred to the regulatory body again (I think this is the fifth time.) Every time this happens it sort of consumes him, he becomes absolutely obsessed with it and sends endless long emails to his MP and solicitors and anyone he can get to listen and sends them to me asking me to read them and what do I think …

I honestly just wish the NMC would strike him off and have done with it, but I can’t really say that.

The problem is as I get older I just seem to have less and less patience and kindness with him. Increasingly I find his messages irritating and I resent even reading them. I am bored to tears with this longstanding battle he’s locked himself in and I want to say honestly that he shouldn’t be anywhere near vulnerable people. I can help in a practical sense up to a point but emotionally I’m just done. It’s a terrible thing to say but I just wish he didn’t exist and I could live my life in peace. I sometimes imagine what a life I could have known without him!

Let him crack on with his own life, you aren't responsible for him.

Not saying go NC but maybe low contact, mute his messages etc

It's OK to feel how you feel, OP. Regardless of your brother's difficulties, you really don't have to have anything to do with him, if you don't want to.
So, if you want to support him and help him - fine.
If you want to ignore him and never see him - also fine.
You have choice, and being related is irrelevant. So just do whatever is best for you.

Maybe you should be honest with him about nursing not being the correct career for him. Sometimes the truth hurts, but its still the kindest thing to do.

This is horrible advice. Just abandon your family when they are in need if it makes YOU happy. How self serving. We have a responsibility to our family and shirking our responsibilties and letting people down will never make us happy in the long run, because how could you feel good about the person you have become when you do such things.

Can social services help? If he had a social worker allocated to him would that ease things for you? Or someone from a MH charity? Lord knows it must be a nightmare for you

No. THIS is horrible advice. He is not your responsibility. You have helped him, you’ve tried the best you can. You’re exhausted by it all. You have your own family which is your priority. Set boundaries. Direct him to appropriate help. He can be in your life at the level you choose. Good luck x

So this isn’t your fault. Responding to it is your choice.

Somehow you’ve internalised responsibility for his life being better. It isn’t something you can achieve.

If he’s busy applying for jobs he’ll never get, let him.
If he emails long rants about it being unfair, let him.

You don’t have to- and indeed can’t- change his life.

I realised that I was carrying a lot of stress trying to support elderly relatives. Fix things, change things, organise things. After a while I realised that actually they wanted to moan at me. They wanted a life stressful and complicated that they could complain about. So now I let them.

Let people complain, fret, waste their own time, make their own life harder.
Just don’t join the game.

Part of your issue is that you’re hiding your true views and getting resentful at him for that. Be straight with him if you think this career isn’t for him. Perhaps he’d have had a better trajectory if you’d have got that message across years ago.

Your other issue is lack of boundaries. I have autistic family members and if I’m drained by them going on and on about the same topic I make it clear that I can’t talk to them about this thing anymore.

You don't have to cut him off all in one go, instead you could gradually distant yourself. A bit like boiling the frog but in this case you would be freezing the frog.

I think you should say something to him, OP. Tell him that you're sorry he's struggling but you're not a lawyer or an MP and you don't want to read his letters because it is stressful for you too (you might actually just find it boring, but a white lie might be kinder here) and I also think you should distance yourself from the manic job hunting. Just don't engage with it. My sister has horrendous anxiety and it consumed the family for years really. But over the last 4 years, really since just before my daughter was born, I realised I was becoming more and more resentful of the energy her issues demanded. I would talk an issue through with her once, but if she tried to circle back to the same problem or event, I'd close it down and say: 'we've talked about this already. I don't want to go back over it again.' It felt mean, but the problems were all such non-issues. Like someone cut in line in the coffee shop and she was obsessed with the injustice of it blah blah blah. Irritating.
Siblings do sort of become our responsibility, but we do owe it to ourselves to take a breather and be able to say "Nope. Not right now." unless it is an actual emergency.

Yes ..this is thing with autism..you can come across as high functioning,on the surface..but the really is very far from that
My eldest son ,has a recognised professional qualification that would get him a very good job..
But his doctor and social worker have permanently signed him of sick and he's on benefits.
Which sounds confusing..when you don't live with him..
For example we have been woken up at 4 am to the whole house full of gas because he turned them on and went back to bed.
I have to get in the shower with him to wash his hair , because he can't .
I have to physically hand him clean clothes and wait while he removes the current ones ,or he puts new ones over old ones
I had to check him every day going to college that he had put underpants on , because he just put clothes over his pyjamas...and check he didn't have weapons in his bag ..
There's been so many pickles..where we had police at the door due to internet problems..and his laptop taken away ..
When the neighbours make any noise ,I have to make sure the doors are locked and that I've accidentally lost the keys ..or he goes out to tell the neighbours off..
It's exhausting and constant.
So his college course was full time
He only went 4 hours a week,by taxi ..and half the time he refused to get in the taxi .
But he still passed and got the qualifications...
Leaving the house is just so difficult for him ,as is washing, dressing, cooking,any basic tasks .
We tried him managing his own money and he spent it on gold and weapons he keeps in his safe ..
It is exhausting.and I can't work, because I'm needed here
Autism has ruined his life ,it's ruined mine as well ,and his brothers.
Superpower..my arse
So no advice op ..just solidarity xxxx

Hi there is a lot of lack of understanding about autism in some of these comments and I can tell you care and feel a sense of responsibility to him that would leave you with massive feelings of guilt if you were to walk away. Practically is there any way to find him additional support locally to him? There are often adult autism support groups that accept those who are undiagnosed. If you could assist him to get some outside support he might not need to rely on you so much also he might listen to others better and follow advice. It sounds like he should be on PIP and also on other benefits as he has proved he can’t function in the workplace.
You may need to invest some time and energy in finding information and advocating for him but in the long run if you can access some external support it would lessen the load for you. Initially a chat with a welfare officer at your local citizen advice bureau could help start the ball rolling. Also look at local mental health charities/services and online resources about supporting adults with autism. I would also consider joining a carers group for yourself where you will find others in similar situations.

I really understand op, I have a similar sounding db and also have young children with no family around anymore. I get what you mean about just wishing they didn’t exist sometimes. I think I remember your older posts about your brother.

The past few years I’ve really distanced myself. There was yet another big crisis and I sent a message saying that I didn’t have the capacity to step in (which was true). He went a little cold on me after that and I took it as my chance to go very low contact. Life is much less stressful now although I do still worry. I really recommend this approach!

Its not horrible advice. Regardless of the cause , if someone you have no legal responsibility to care for has such a negative effect on your life you'd rather they dont exist its ok to step away.
It doesnt matter if this caused by disability or just because they're a horrible person, the effect on you is identical. We get one life, dont sacrifice it for a man you don't like and who makes you miserable. I will aim to lose my brother v swiftly one day, he'll be looking for me to fill my dms shoes when she dies and it WILL NOT HAPPEN. I'm not wasting my years looking after a middle aged man child who very conveniently chooses to what extent his learning disabilities affect him depending on what the manipulative arsehole wants to get out of you.

What kind of thing is he being referred for? I can’t imagine a fifth referral is normal…

Honestly if you’re done with it just say you don’t want to see anymore as it’s making you too stressed. He would have no qualms saying that to you.

Bloody hell, you're giving him money on top of everything else? Yeah, stop that. If you have money going spare, put it in a fund for your kids' uni / house deposits / whatever. He needs to live on what he actually has. Either he'll get a job he can actually do and keep, or he'll go on benefits and learn to live on that.

You are not responsible for him, in any way. Tell him you're not interested in reading green-ink letters to MPs, and that he's clearly not suited to nursing and he needs to let it go, etc. Disengage on all the nonsense.

I think you might find that once he's not getting what he wants from you, you won't need to reduce contact - he'll do that himself. But you do need to be consistent. He has to understand that the family dynamic has changed and you won't be going back. Engage with him when he's being sensible and normal and pursuing realistic goals, and drop the rope when he's not. Don't encourage it.

I'm going to ask you to imagine a completely fictitious scenario.

You're in the sea, shipwrecked. there's another person nearby. They're floundering, you can see some flotsam near them. You swim towards them, pushing the flotsam towards them. They can cling onto that, it will keep them afloat. But they won't grab it, they've focussed on you and are trying to grab YOU as their floatation device. If they do, you won't be able to stay afloat and you will both drown.

So - do you push the flotsam towards them and then put enough distance between so that they can't drown you? Or do you think 'oh I'm shirking my responsibilities' and swim towards them?

I'm sure you'l pooh pooh this away, but the OP's situation is exactly the same, only she'll down in stress and emotion rather than water. Her brother won't accept the help that would actually help, he fixates on what he wants and he'll drag her down with him without a second's consideration - and he'll be no better off.

First rule of First Aid - protect yourself, you're no aid at all if you get injured too. OP needs to step back and protect her own well-being.

"I am bored to tears with this longstanding battle he’s locked himself in and I want to say honestly that he shouldn’t be anywhere near vulnerable people."
OP, what's the worst-case scenario if you actually say to your brother ' you shouldn’t be looking to re-enter nursing, you lack the interpersonal skills necessary. That's why you keep being suspended and fired.'

Seriously - what's the worse that can happen?

Op, huge sympathy from a fellow ASD sibling (though, thankfully, mine do not currently rely on me).

Does your brother actually have a diagnosis? Could you possibly broach the subject of assessment with him - or would he completely shut it down? Perhaps if he understood himself better, neurologically, he might be able to find strategies to self-support or make life easier for him (and you!).

I can relate to some extent as i also have an older brother who had unrecognised issues back in the 1970s and our mother was keen to cover them up and deny them. He isn't as far off the rails as your brother but there are concerns as to his capability to look after himself and maintain our parents' house which he is still living in after their deaths. I feel sorry for him as in the unlikely event we get to choose our lives' problems prior to birth no one would choose to have a personality that dooms you to failure and isolation. I've often wondered what life would have been like with a 'normal' brother and I have always seen myself as a kind of only child.

have I seen this before? ND brother working in the nHS?

What is he doing in these nursing jobs that he loses them? Does he just not turn up for work or is it his behaviour when working?

No it is not horrible advice. The bottom line is, the OP is not responsible for her brother. We don't have responsibilities to our family (apart from dependent children), though we do generally choose to have family members in our lives and support them as far as is reasonable - and no further.

The OP's responsibility is to her own family but it is obvious she has done a lot to support her brother; if she continues it could be to the possible detriment not only of her but also her children. If she chooses to step back, no way does that make her a bad person.

There are options which fall short of 'abandoning' her DB if the OP wishes, and involve resetting the boundaries of what she is willing to give; this should ensure that the resentment is removed and may even improve their relationship in the longer term.

Op would your brother be receptive to talking about getting diagnosed? Not everyone is capable of working, and that is ok. In theory we have a social safety net. He's obviously putting a lot of pressure on himself to be self supporting. I would try to have a gentle conversation about accepting help and getting diagnosed.

He sounds like someone who should be doing back-office work, probably from home. If he can manage that at all.

I think you need to be blunt. Tell him you cannot in good conscience help, when he’s wasting his own and everyone else’s time. Tell him nursing is not a good fit for him etc.

Also point out that you’re not his parent, he’s an adult and you can only respond to him as such, when it suits you. Whereas you do have children who truly are your dependents, who need your time and attention, all the time.