Honestly wish I’d been an only child

[goldenbox]

I have a brother who is a bit older than me; he is now 48, I’m 46. Of course I do care about him and while I’m aware it’s horrible if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

He is autistic without a shadow of a doubt but since he was born at the end of the 1970s there wasn’t as much known about it and also there was some denial from my mum (I think when his lack of speech was raised as a concern it was done in an accusatory way but of course I can’t know!) We had various struggles growing up, it was always hard being known as X’s sister but nothing major. Our mum died when we were teenagers and he majorly went off the rails then, flunked his a levels but still went to university on a bit of a technicality then failed there so went to a different university, struggled there but managed to get a degree, tried various things and courses and eventually qualified as a nurse - looking back I can’t think of a profession less suited to him! He was suspended from the nursing register a couple of years later but then after three years or so got back on it. He got a job as a nurse but was suspended from it for nearly two years before being dismissed. So that was the period from 2010-2020. He then went to university to do another qualification which took him until 2023, much angst and hospital stays and stress and he passed but no job has come of it, he’s worked as a nurse again but been dismissed again and referred to the regulatory body again (I think this is the fifth time.) Every time this happens it sort of consumes him, he becomes absolutely obsessed with it and sends endless long emails to his MP and solicitors and anyone he can get to listen and sends them to me asking me to read them and what do I think …

I honestly just wish the NMC would strike him off and have done with it, but I can’t really say that.

The problem is as I get older I just seem to have less and less patience and kindness with him. Increasingly I find his messages irritating and I resent even reading them. I am bored to tears with this longstanding battle he’s locked himself in and I want to say honestly that he shouldn’t be anywhere near vulnerable people. I can help in a practical sense up to a point but emotionally I’m just done. It’s a terrible thing to say but I just wish he didn’t exist and I could live my life in peace. I sometimes imagine what a life I could have known without him!

Bear in mind he is likely having these mental
struggles 24/7 and may feel similar to you with the difference being it's all the time.

Having had one of these (on DH side not mine but they impacted both of us) I wholeheartedly agree with this. The only way to keep yourself sane is strong boundaries. We used to have them over once a month when they could spend the whole evening talking about themselves and that was it. It wasn’t fun but it struck a balance where they felt “heard” and to some degree assuaged our guilt but without totally draining us or exposing our DC to too much negativity/unpleasantness.

I have cut out my siblings in RL. I truly wish I had been an only child. It would have saved me from years of sexual and physical abuse from all of 3 of them.

It can be done, but only you can do it. I only wish I’d done it a lot sooner. Live your life, you are not answerable to him.

As the mother to a ND little boy, my heard breaks reading this. I dread what will be when anything happens to me. I have two older kids but I wouldn't want them to be burdened in the way you are. It's so hard and I feel for you.

Just please, whatever you do, don't do what some have said and ignore him completely and go no contact. I agree set boundaries and do what you need to do, but not that. None of this is your fault and it's bloody unfair but you're all he has in the world.

I hope you manage to get some help from some professionals, maybe some assisted living facility or a carer that can help with some of this. There might be some charities that can help. Just don't abandon him altogether

I probably don't have much positive to add, but as a sibling of a super-bright, self destructive person, I do understand some of your feelings. Mine undoubtedly has some kind of neurodivergence (ADHD, probably, or I have wondered about bipolar) - something he'll never acknowledge. He's been a high flyer, an addict, investigated by his industry body. He is married and I keep contact fairly limited (although I always end up hosting Christmas as he and his wife just turn up at my folks' house, who are now 80). I worry about the future, but we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it. In the end, people cope as they know how.

I have similar I suspect (undiagnosed) ND sibling. They have had MH issues for years.

they live independently but with much scaffolding. Terrible with money and addictions, have let others manage money in past but refusing now. They are likely to be unable to pay bills / buy food in a few months. Social workers involved but not much use.

I cannot cope with it all as well as being a single parent working full time.

it causes me significant stress and I myself am now struggling.

Urgh it's (mostly) always the brothers or sons. I have one, and lots of my friends have one too. You can only do what you can. And don't do what you cannot.

Do you think he would be open to getting an autism diagnosis? He might be able to get something like a STaR worker to help him looking online that might just be an Essex thing, but its like a support worker for life admin)

You can be sure if the positions were reversed it is highly likely he would not be tolerating you.

In my life an experience of men, they have very little empathy and tolerance for being inconvenienced by others.

It is a rare man that genuinely will put him out for others.

My SIL has 3 successful well educated sons that she gave every conceivable opportunity to.

Her husband died suddenly and it is quite extraordinary how little they do for her.
She's a lovely woman, nothing but generous and kind to them.
Worked as a brilliant teacher and ensured they did so well, which they have.

Yet they are so busy with their successful lives they barely contact her.

I was at a wedding recently and could barely look at them.

She has one sister that is very kind, but two brothers, including my husband that also has little interest in being involved.

Myself and my girlfriends in out 60's are each others greatest supporters.

OP, don't allow your brother to bleed you dry, your priority has to be your children and staying well for them.