How did you sensitive young mums navigate this? There seems to be two groups of school mums, one group mogs me with their lifestyle the other group are very difficult to talk to?

[Nikeybikeys]

Apologies if this reads like a piss take I’m not the best at wording things.

This Isn’t a reception parent September post dd1 has been at school for a few years now, the thread on friendships just got me thinking. I have no friends at all, my only friend is my husband and we met when we were in secondary school.

It would appear at my child’s school there are two distinct groups of parents one group has a superior lifestyle to me, they’re older (I had dd1 at 16) have better careers, better cars (I cannot even drive) and they are always going on holiday to places where the flight ticket alone would cost too much for me. I’ll exchange pleasantries with them and they are easier to talk to than the second group but I get the feeling beneath that they probably don’t really want to know me.

The other group have more in common with me lifestyle wise but talking to them is a minefield, always drama, always gossip, get irrationally angry over little things, every little thing is a massive fucking deal etc.

Im aware that I may be slightly autistic (undiagnosed) which is making navigating this more difficult but dd2 starts school next year and I’d like to make some meaningful connections next time. If anyone can relate to this how did you navigate this was there a particular group you focused on and managed to break through to?

I handle this by being pleasant and surface friendly to all of the class parents, but not relying on them or expecting them to become friends. Over time, one of the other mums actually became a friend and our DC were friends too. We would have been friends even if we did not have children in common! Look elsewhere to make friends.

I would focus on making friends with the people you actually like and try to avoid projecting your insecurities onto them. Unless the richer group have given you some reason to think that they don't want to know you, then I would pay them the compliment of assuming that they aren't so shallow that they would base their friendships on material things.

Just concentrate on people you like and stop putting people into boxes. If it’s all too much I’d look for friends outside of the school.

I don't know why you would be friends with people just because your children attend the same school? Maybe you'd know them a bit and maybe you've dropped your kid at their house and vice versa a few times.

But apart from that I'd just assume that they have their own friends and I have mine. That are to do with my own interests or experiences, not just the geographical location of a place my children go to.

I was hoping when dd2 starts school I’d fit in better because I’ll be older and won’t be the youngest mum anymore. But based on toddler groups and going to the park I’m starting to worry this dynamic still exists and will still be a big thing. I’ll be talking to a group of mums and then realise they all have far better jobs, cars holidays than me etc (I’m not jealous of them just paranoid that they’re judging me).

Idk they all have each other and stand in two massive visible groups on the playground I’ll sort of float between them both but feel like I don’t really fit in with any of them

Honestly I think you just be polite to everyone but look for friendships elsewhere rather than at the school gates. The only thing you have in common with school mum’s really is that you have children the same age and that isn’t a great basis for a true and genuine friendship. There are the exceptions, mums you actually do have a lot in common with who also happen to have kids the same age, but that’s not going to be everyone at the school gate.

As you said, you are being excessively paranoid and self- absorbed. No one's thinking about you. They have their own issues.

So are you mid 20s? It’s probably less to do with the lifestyles and more to do with age. The older mums would have been the same in their 20s. They also probably think less about what other people will think of them like you are, and your peers are - all the little things being a big deal as you say. When you say you get the impression that they don’t want to get to know you, that’s probably true but not in an unkind or looking down on you way, they might just not thinking about it and if they’ve already got friends they won’t give the vibe. Newcomers to the area will be looking to get to know people no matter the age. People will naturally gel with people they have stuff in common with, like uni experience and office chat. But that doesn’t mean you won’t get on and value each other, just takes a bit more action. If you like the people, invite them for a play date. What do you do when you go to birthdays?

You need to get over this fear of being judged. There's nothing at all wrong with you but your post suggests you think people with money are better than people without.

Maybe they wouldn't become friends with you becayse there's no common ground - is there? What's interesting about you? What are you passionate about? What do you want to do with your life?

I have a good career and am financially comfortable and am friends with everything from doctors to shop workers to people on benefits through mutual hobbies and my interest in history. I am autistic and struggle to fein interest in someone but there are interesting people in all walks of life.

Just read the other replies. I think it’s quite normal to overthink, compare yourself to others and feel insecure when you’re in your 20s OP, whether you’re a mum or not.

I‘d focus on trying to chat with the parents of the children your DDs play with rather than a particular group.

You also really need to change the way you think about these people. They aren’t mogging you or judging you, they’re just living their own lives. Someone buying a particular car doesn’t mean they think anything about your lack of one. It’s good that you’re recognising it’s paranoia but you need to challenge those thoughts when you have them.

Can you afford to take up any hobbies? It would be easier to make friends with people you share an interest with.

It is normal. But as a woman in her 50s, I would like to put this on a tshirt" No one is thinking about you". Because they aren't.

What I’m saying is it’s hard to have a conversation with them because theyre usually talking about things I don’t know much about and there’s probably a reason they stand in a separate group to the other parents who don’t have that lifestyle but maybe I’m too autistic to have got the message and I’m like a fly buzzing around them or something?

You are being self-absorbed, jealous and judgmental. I find it difficult to believe that absolutely everyone in these groups is as awful as you suggest. Perhaps stop navel gazing and actually try to get to know them if you are looking for friendship.

Sigh. Until you are diagnosed autustic please stop thinking of yourself as such. It will only get in your way.

Can you discuss books, tv shows, music, sports.. None of these require money.

Yes all of this

I used to stand in the playground and mind my own business. If I saw the parent of a friend of DS I would smile and say hi. If anyone wanted to stop and chat I would chat but I didn't care if they didn't. You don't need to hang out with anyone on the playground. You're just there to pick up your child. Make your friends through work or hobbies and forget about 'mogging' - that's a ridiculous concept.

What difference would that make? My parents had teachers tell them I probably had Asperger’s when I was a kid multiple times. I could probably go to the doctors and get diagnosed any time I like but it would make no difference to my life at this point so I’m not going to

lol a the recommendation of discussing books with people last time I did that it did not go down well 😂

It's a stupid manosphere incel concept meaning that someone is deliberately putting you down by being better/richer/better looking than you.

What happened? Obviously not " Mein Kampf".
Lately at work I have been discussing " Yesteryear" with people.
Probably need to google what " mogging" means.

Just means it’s better than my own. I’m not jealous just pointing it out. There’s probably a reason they don’t stand with the other group of mums. My question was really has anyone like myself managed to break through to a group like this successfully? Or even the other group ?

I'm well off but haven't always been, I absolutely don't judge people who don't go on flashy holidays etc. I'd be very sad if someone felt they couldn't be friends with me because I have a bigger house.

I have made some friends at the school gates. Mainly the parents of children my child likes too. I consider them friends but probably wouldn't stay in touch if one of us moved away. I found it easier to make friends this way, one on one, than in a group. The parents I'm friendly with tend to have similar parenting approaches to me rather than age being a factor.

I also have friends through a hobby, where most people are significantly younger than me. One girl in her 20s who I viewed as a friend turned out to view me like her Mum though and thus never invited me to anything!