How did you sensitive young mums navigate this? There seems to be two groups of school mums, one group mogs me with their lifestyle the other group are very difficult to talk to?

[Nikeybikeys]

Apologies if this reads like a piss take I’m not the best at wording things.

This Isn’t a reception parent September post dd1 has been at school for a few years now, the thread on friendships just got me thinking. I have no friends at all, my only friend is my husband and we met when we were in secondary school.

It would appear at my child’s school there are two distinct groups of parents one group has a superior lifestyle to me, they’re older (I had dd1 at 16) have better careers, better cars (I cannot even drive) and they are always going on holiday to places where the flight ticket alone would cost too much for me. I’ll exchange pleasantries with them and they are easier to talk to than the second group but I get the feeling beneath that they probably don’t really want to know me.

The other group have more in common with me lifestyle wise but talking to them is a minefield, always drama, always gossip, get irrationally angry over little things, every little thing is a massive fucking deal etc.

Im aware that I may be slightly autistic (undiagnosed) which is making navigating this more difficult but dd2 starts school next year and I’d like to make some meaningful connections next time. If anyone can relate to this how did you navigate this was there a particular group you focused on and managed to break through to?

Make my husband do drop off and pick up whenever possible, that’s the solution for us.

No, I get it. I only have one school mum friend and she’s not even a mum she’s a grandmother who cares for her DGD. She’s 40 years older than me but she’s the best, I get sad when she’s not there I can’t lie.

My closest friend is single , child free and broke. I am not.
We talk about books, art, nature. We go on walks, to free galleries and museums, and for cheap meals. ( I realise some of these are tough with kids. Just an example).

I don’t think many parents find a good friend at the school gates tbh.

I think the friendships come when you see the same set of parents at birthday parties, sports days etc and your kids decide they’re friends.

I have a slightly different version of this as I became a mum via adoption so struggled at play groups as people talked about first steps/first words but I didn’t have any of that.
And at the school now, a lot of the parents met at toddler groups etc so I’m ‘new.’

The only parent I’ve really gotten to know at school is the mum of a boy my LO has made friends with but outside of them we have nothing in common (I’m 40 she’s 25, financially we’re in very different places, I have a mortgage, they live with her parents etc) but it doesn’t matter. We chat about the kids, annoying colleagues, plans for holidays and the weekend. We’ve taken the kids on a day out together and it was nice.

I’ve had much better luck with parents at my LO’s sports club. There are only around 12 of us and no one is frantically rushing on to the next thing, we’re all stuck there for an hour while the kids run around so we’ve naturally chatted and found which ones we get along with better etc.

When my first child started in reception I was 40. I was talking to another Mum and was flabbergasted when she said she was 27. Maybe I’m deluded but it just didn't occur to me that she would be that much younger. She was single and I was married with like you said, nice car, house and hols.

I really like her and can always chat but I just thought I must come across as an absolute dinosaur to her and we never hung out in the same circle. Not because I think I’m better or any of that shit, but I was paranoid about my age.

It works both ways.

I think that’s similar in most environments really. I’m not surprised that women in their say mid 30’s aren’t seeking friendships with 16 year olds, simply because they are at different stages of their lives and are less likely to have things in common. It’s not personal. I have a 17 year old and when she’s at work she likes it when people who are her age are working rather than the older ones because she feels she has nothing in common with them and that’s ok. I would find it odd if she struck up a friendship and was socially meeting friends in their late 30’s and 40’s.

One of my best friends is 12 years younger than me and another work colleague is 20 years younger, she’s mid 20’s and we’ve met up a few times. She’s lovely but I do feel like a slight mother figure to her, which is fine but when I look for true friendships I like to be able to give and ask for advice and discuss things in-depth and I don’t feel like someone 20 years younger would be able offer that. So it’s not a reflection of any individual I just think it’s more circumstances, shared experiences etc….. the older people get the less likely age matters I’d say

This.

You are well and truly overthinking this.

Surface level chatty pleasantries at the school gate to everyone during nursery/ reception year. Go to a few parties, chat to everyone at the gate.

No-one (who is not a drama diva) normal cares about other people's lives/ how much money they have/ what age people are. Most normal mums and dads are completely uninterested in school gate politics, they want to go pick the kids up and get out of there. I chat to Grandma's, mums, dads, the young mums the older mums. You have to just be friendly and chat to everyone. Distance yourself from the dramatic ones.

It is trickier if you live in an area or you get a class where a lot of the parents have known one another for years (went to school together/ have older DC of same ages/ lots went to baby group together).

I would encourage where possible finding your own friendships outside of the school gate and leave school gate chat to surface acquaintances.

I don’t think the op is 16 - she had her kids at 16 so am guessing she’s mid 20s and the other mums are in their 30’s/40’s.

I’m 50 OP and have teenagers at secondary school now.
I have friends my age, friends in their 60’s and friends from the sport I do in their 20’s and 30’s. Honestly if I like a person, I’m not judging them on the car they drive or where they go on holiday.

Yes I know she must be older now though I didn’t catch exactly how old so perhaps I’ve missed that, but I was just trying to to make her feel more reassured as to why her previous experience wouldn’t have been personal

Start again when your youngest starts. I have two in school and the dynamic between two classes is very different - both are absolutely fine.

My closest friend is in my eldests class, and everyone else seems pleasant enough and I'd have a brief chat if I saw them in the pub etc. But I haven't really clicked with anyone else and they've all split off into smaller sub groups.

You'll have the advantage in your youngests class of knowing the school and how things work. Is there a class WhatsApp?
For your youngest, suggest some class meet ups in the park etc. Picnic, playdates.

My youngests class do meet ups like this, but we also go to the pub without the kids. Wide range of ages.

It's lonely without friends, I am not good at making them. Even my closest school one I wouldn't consider her my 'best friend', you can't always choose who you click with.

Try to find an activity outside of school too. Local craft or walking group?

Not the point I know but do you want a better lifestyle OP? Can you make a plan to get it, it seems like you envy the group with the money.
You don't need to hang around at the gates if you don't like it, just drop and go if you feel uncomfortable. And pick up at the last minute. You're not the only one who feels awkward being the one without a group I bet. Just smile and say hi without any expectations.

Op, honestly I am a mum in the first group- older/better careers etc. our girls are in private school but when I was doing the toddler group circuit, there were a handful of mums like me and more mums like you and they avoided me like the plague! I used to think it was because I was old…but the kids met through a mutual hobby and whilst not the best of friends I really like the younger mum. And we chat, and have a good laugh. I honestly don’t care for her background or holidays or job etc she is just a nice lady and says the same thing about me :) You will be ok just be yourself and polite to everyone

I’m an older mom, I couldn’t give 2 hoots how much money other moms have. I do feel paranoid though that the other moms might not want to be friendly with me as I’m so old. My point is we all have insecurities, despite this I’ve made a good few friends from the school. Try to stop over thinking it and just chat to the people you get on with.

My dc are now in years 8 and 10, I'm friendly with a couple of my youngest dd's friends' mums but only to the point we'll text occasionally and go out for a drink even more occasionally, and friendly with some mums from my eldest's primary, but just to chat to if we bump into each other.

I think it's rare to make proper friends at the school gate, don't put yourself under pressure but be open and friendly to everyone