How did you sensitive young mums navigate this? There seems to be two groups of school mums, one group mogs me with their lifestyle the other group are very difficult to talk to?

[Nikeybikeys]

Apologies if this reads like a piss take I’m not the best at wording things.

This Isn’t a reception parent September post dd1 has been at school for a few years now, the thread on friendships just got me thinking. I have no friends at all, my only friend is my husband and we met when we were in secondary school.

It would appear at my child’s school there are two distinct groups of parents one group has a superior lifestyle to me, they’re older (I had dd1 at 16) have better careers, better cars (I cannot even drive) and they are always going on holiday to places where the flight ticket alone would cost too much for me. I’ll exchange pleasantries with them and they are easier to talk to than the second group but I get the feeling beneath that they probably don’t really want to know me.

The other group have more in common with me lifestyle wise but talking to them is a minefield, always drama, always gossip, get irrationally angry over little things, every little thing is a massive fucking deal etc.

Im aware that I may be slightly autistic (undiagnosed) which is making navigating this more difficult but dd2 starts school next year and I’d like to make some meaningful connections next time. If anyone can relate to this how did you navigate this was there a particular group you focused on and managed to break through to?

Maybe get a life outside the school? Why do parents make the school their life

I have 5 dc well spaced out age wise so I spent a lonnnng time doing the various school runs. I have been the youngest mum on the school run, and the oldest. There always seemed to be two groups, friendly yet superior, and suspicious and rather bitchy, I always said a cheery hello to everyone I encountered, never joined either group, and never made (or hoped to make) friends but found them friendly enough. Then i started childminding and took my mindees to the same school for about 5 years and discovered that neither group want to speak to you if you are a minder rather than a mum. There are unseen layers to this stuff!

I’m not sure its really so much a lifestyle thing as a different people thing, is it? Unless all you talk about are the things you spend money on, which is not a person I’ve really encountered much of, I’m not sure how it’s coming up so much? We have I suppose “nice” cars, we have friends who have much more expensive cars than we do, we have a friend who rides a motorbike, we have friends who don’t drive and never have. It doesn’t impact the friendships and I certainly don’t decide my friends based on their transport. Same with holidays/houses, I don’t decide who to be friends with based on any of those things. Is it possible that it is you who feels inferior and are projecting that onto social situations?

I hated it, felt like all my private girls school friendship insecurities all over again 😩

By the time DS3 moved schools in year 4 i had 10 years of playground politics under my belt, and had honed my strategy.
don’t worry about the cliques, your DCs friendships don’t dictate yours, recognise who you would be friends with ‘in real life’
3 of the friends I made then are still close 11 years on, irrespective of our son’s path in life

They have probably known each other for years if their children are the same age and they did antenatal or baby classes together. Did you not do any of these, OP? Your life sounds so tiny with no friends and no means to get yourself out and about independently. How come you left school without any friends? How have you become so isolated? Assume your children haven’t had much interaction with others before they start school either.

I’m probably also the equivalent of one of the first group of mums that you mention OP, but like other posters I don’t go around judging others’ level of wealth and deciding whether they can be my friend. I can be quite preoccupied though with work / health / kid issues / life, so probably do gravitate towards people I already know, if I have a few minutes on the school run.

My tips for building rapport with people are be positive, and be interested in them. Even tiny things like commenting on liking their DC’s coat can be a way in.

I also wouldn’t position it to yourself as trying to break into a group. Firstly, they might not even be a group - a snapshot of what you see doesn’t necessarily reflect what is really going on. But if they are in fact a tight group, it’s setting yourself a high bar to try to become a “member” - I’d focus on just striking up the odd conversation with individual people as and when.

I never bothered with the petty dramas at the school gates when my kids were at school, dropped them off, picked them up. Didn't engage with other parents. I was no big deal to me to have friends and it still isn't.

I think you need to look at why you have no friends at all? Does that mean that you don't value friendships if you have never made the effort to have friends? Or did you make friends with the wrong people? The other parents at your kid's school probably have friends outside of school already and the people they speak to when picking up their kids are just acquaintances. I'm a dog owner and have got to know quite a few people just from walking my dog and running into the same people many times each week. They are kind of the same type of acquaintances. We only know each other because our dogs like each other. Very few of those people have become lasting friends, i think maybe 3 in the 14 years I have had dogs. The others have drifted away when one of us moved or a dog dies etc.

What you need is real profound friendships that are based around you, not your children. Those friendships have a much higher chance of lasting. It sounds like you have just become mum and wife, you need to get your own identity back. The person you are when you are not with your family.

But that's OK is what I'm saying. Why would you have anything in common with them just because they have children and so do you?
Try and focus on friendships forged on mutual enjoyments, opinions, character etc. not just at the school gate.

I think there are two separate issues here.

1. it is good to have friends.
2. it is useful to exchange surface level pleasantries with other parents at pickup, so that you can call yourselves acquaintances. It's nice to chat briefly, plus useful if you need to know something about the class, or need to lift share in an emergency.

I would focus on point 2 in terms of the school pickup. Just say hi, ask them how their day has been, comment on the weather, ask if their child is going on the school trip. Just be friendly. Their wealth or dramatic personalities are not relevant. If you chat to them all you might warm to one or two of them, or you might not.

Separately, think about where best to make friends for your own sake. What are you into? How can you find like minded people? You like walking/craft/beauty? Or think of something you might like to try? Playgroups can be good too.

What do they talk about that you don’t understand? I have friends plus/minus 20yrs to my age. We talk about anything and everything. I have friends that have more money than me and less money than me, again, it doesn’t limit our conversation. It seems a bit odd that you’re putting people in rich/poor/young/old boxes.

How old are you? I was a younger mum for my first and am average age for my youngest (not as young as you were) which has made things a lot easier. Things seem to even out a lot once you're in your 30s+.

It's quite possible for someone to be richer than you and also think you're nice or funny enough to be chatty with. So I'd keep on with the pleasantries.

I have no friends at all, my only friend is my husband and we met when we were in secondary school.

If you're not happy about this, then try joining some clubs/getting out and about more to change it.

Keep your friendships separate from your child's school.

You don’t need to fit in, it’s just a drop off.

'Break through'?

Do you mean chat with other women who happen to have a friendship group?

Why do you have to make friends with the parents of children at your child’s school? I never did. I chatted in passing to the parents of my DC friends but they remained acquaintances.

The reason they don't stand by the other group of Mums is likely the same reason you don't want to. The drama, the gossip etc.

You've got one group of people you like and one you don't. Go hang out with the ones you like, it really doesn't matter than they've got more cash than you.

Exactly.

Basically this. The lower income group sound like much harder work. You're allowed to prefer people who you actually like even if they're not in the same income decile as you. So are the other mums.

I’ve never understood the need to make friends with other school parents - I’m there to pick up and drop off. I’m polite,I smile, I make occasional small talk when necessary but I’m not there to expand my social circle. The key thing we have in common is that we have children the same age, and that’s not something I want to build a friendship on.
If you have interests in books, find a book club that suits. Join a craft class. Sign up for a cooking class/language class/yoga class - anything that is an actual interest of yours where you can meet likeminded people. You can meet people by volunteering. There’s many options out there that sound far more suitable than you trying to make friends with groups that have people you don’t even seem to like.

My friends are all different ages, so I wouldn't worry too much about that and as you aren't going on holiday with them it doesn't' matter if you can't afford the flights.

I think you are putting up barriers because you are nervous around them and don't want to be rejected. I do that sometimes. It is best to start slow and gradually build up friendships. Remember loads of people are not brilliant socially so it may take a few attempts.

They don’t care that you don’t have money or whatever, they probably don’t think about it at all.

My one mum friend that I have is the total opposite of me in every way, almost every single thing is different. Huge age gap, huge income gap, huge education gap. I highly doubt either of us have thought twice about it until I read this post and really thought about it! She’s kind, intelligent (intelligence and education are absolutely not the same thing) good company, an excellent mother and our children get along.

Tbf the age gap does come up sometimes because our reference points are way off but that just makes me realise I am Methuselah next to her.