AIBU to not tell my DH I’ve never orgasmed with him (or anyone else)?

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NC for this as it’s quite personal.

DH and I (mid 30s) have been together for 8 years. Before him I only had 2 sexual partners- one long term relationship of 3 years and then one I was dating for ~6months. I can’t have one night stands, I’m too scared of STDs (PSHE classes did their job!) and need that connection to feel comfortable enough to have sex. I’ve never orgasmed with any of them, but have faked it with all as it just wasn’t happening and I was very self conscious of being difficult (now working with a therapist on people pleasing).

I’m now at the stage where I am wondering whether I bring it up to my DH as I feel guilty with objectively lying for the last 8 years. The sex is decent, but I always get too in my own head to finish and I’ve not been comfortable expressing what I want. This is absolutely nothing to do with DH who is the kindest man in the world and is responsible for me now feeling comfortable enough to voice my needs in a relationship.

I previously brought it up gently with my ex who told me it was all my fault, he had never had an issue with anyone else and that I was a liar. We continued to have sex for the rest of the relationship but he was so hurt that I continued faking to make him feel better. I know now that I shouldn’t have done this but I was early 20s, inexperienced and shy.

I don’t need to orgasm all the time; our relationship is fantastic and I don’t value sex too much. I also have in the last few years been telling the truth ~75% of the time and saying I didn’t come, but that the sex is still good and I enjoyed it.
I am able to orgasm (after my ex I thought it was impossible and a ‘me’ problem), I found in the last few years that I can with a vibrator. I haven’t had the guts to ask whether we can incorporate it into sex yet (that’s the next step).

I would like to say, I’m not usually this much of a coward (I’m assertive at work and within our relationship when I’m not happy etc.) but it’s just sex which is hard for me. Looking for advice from people who may have been in the same situation on whether to tell him or stay quiet.

I would be really hurt if I found out my partner had been lying to me for 8 years so I get why you don’t want to.

Personally I’d put my focus on improving your chance of orgasm rather than telling him that.

Sorry I missed that you only wanted to hear from people with personal experience. I’ve no experience at all I’m afraid so you might want to ignore my post.

Are you working with your therapist about this too? Or just the people pleasing?
I'd vote for telling him everything so he can really understand sex for you.
How do you anticipate he would take it? You say he's the kindest man so presumably you trust him with this information? Last thing you need is a partner making it all about them.

I have never orgasm during sex, but I will every single time with a vibrator. They have been a few rare occasions where I have orgasmed with oral/hand stimulation. A lot of men are surprised that women don’t really orgasm through sex alone, but it is very normal and it doesn’t mean that the sex isn’t good. You should work up the nerve to ask him about including the vibrator during sex, It feels great.

I wouldn’t tell him you’ve never had an orgasm with him as he is likely to be upset. I’d just say you’d like to try something new and would he like to try using a vibrator during sex. Most men would be over the moon, so I wouldn’t be shy about it!

You can also ask whether there’s anything he’d like to try and see what he comes up with.

I would more frame the conversation as “let’s experiment together and have some fun” as opposed to “there’s this massive issue/ secret”.

Forgot to add my experience. My husband was just sad for me that I'd been missing out and that sex is just more complicated than for him. Our sex now is wonderful and he makes it all about me now he understands.
We use a vibrator during penetrative sex and makes sure ive had lots of orgasms before he gets his one!

Unfortunately we both grew up only really seeing porn or movies and had no other road map of what great real sex looks like especially for women. It's also not something people speak about not about the actual mechanics. Thers a lot of assuming going in. I'm also a "squirter" (would love another name for that) so he spends lots of time and energy encouraging that to happen but its not a certain thing more every few times we have sex. Being able to communicate is so vital in sex particularly for women but we never really see what that looks like in practise.

Thank you for this and your other message. I do think he’d be okay if I told him, but there is a nagging worry he would take it badly insofar as seeing it as a breach of trust. I like your outlook of viewing it as more complicated for women (as something being more complicated isn’t inherently bad. I view time being spent solely on my pleasure as negative but your wording helps, thank you!).

I haven’t brought it up specifically with my therapist but I’ve started to realise I’m incredibly awkward talking about my needs/wants; I’m hoping as I get more confidence in everyday life it spreads naturally to sex.

This makes me feel more normal, thank you. I knew regular sex was hit and miss for most women but thought everyone orgasmed with hand/oral stimulation added in!

@BountifulPantryI think I just need to get over my awkwardness about the vibrator and pull it out one day. Fake the confidence about using it together. Thank you

Nevermind men, I'm surprised most women don't orgasm through sex/oral/finger stimulation alone.

IME, men put an incredible emphasis on sex. They really value it and use it as a measuring stick - even lovely ones like my DH who seemed quite sensible otherwise. But for a 'basic man' he was surprisingly fixated on sex.

Climaxing is 'ok' but, for me, a lot of it is a tick-box exercise. I went for years without one, not really knowing otherwise. It was important to DH but didn't really do anything for me.

I'd focus on telling your partner you'd like to add in vibrators because they enhance your pleasure. A good lover will be up for anything which adds to pleasure.

But truthfully, it's important to frame these conversations carefully b/c even the most lovely man is shockingly sensitive about (his performance around) sex.

Personally, I didn't really have orgasms until my DH started using a vibrator on me. Using a vibrator creates a result and for my DH that was the answer - I had climaxed so he could enjoy his without guilt. They really like a concrete result and knowing you've orgasmed, even if by electronic means will count as a win for them.

100% agree with this advice.

I never organism with my husband without a vibrator, and I realised that faking it wasn’t doing either of us favours. So I swapped the fakes for a vibrator and now they’re real! Now he gets sad when I don’t use it lol

The orgasm gap is something that partners should take responsibility for too. If a man is not going anywhere near the clitoris, the woman is unlikely to orgasm. This isn't a secret, it's basic biology. I hope your PSHE lessons also taught you this.

I dont orgasm during sex, I really like sex, I find it very satisfying and I have a high sex drive. I have a feeling of climax but not a proper orgasm. I only get that with a vibrator.
My partner assumes I orgasm as I have these not quite feelings. I see no reason to tell him the details, he asks if I enjoyed myself and I say yes. I don’t want him to get hung up on it and then go at ‘it’ for ages trying to make it happen when it won’t.
I choose not to make it an issue, it just is how it is. I’m happy, he’s happy.

Good for you. Well done you must be so proud. Other women are different.

100% just whip it out and say “meet the bunny” or whatever. Hopefully you both have a giggle and then some fun!

I enjoy penetrative sex, and I’m quite boring, ha! But I rarely orgasm from that alone. But I guess it’s not my goal. I don’t think it has to go hand in hand? So, sometimes you orgasm alone, sometimes enjoy sex without finishing, and sometimes get sex with an O? Don’t say you’ve never reached climax with him, he’d be hurt. Say sometimes you don’t during sex and can be help you, and introduce vibrator or see what he suggests

There's no need to be so snippy. I know everyone is different it's just something I assumed to be true.

This is a thread where people are discussing deeply personal issues and society often makes women who don’t or can’t orgasm feel like failures. It’s a big deal for women and they need reassurance that many women don’t orgasm easily through sex of any type. It’s ok to be different and sex can still be enjoyable without orgasm.

It’s not the thread for incredulity.

I've never orgasmed during sex. Have had a lot of partners long term, short term and ons.

I can orgasm on my own. Im not fussed and have faked it all through my 20 year relationship with DH. It would hurt him to tell him now so I wont. He doesn't do anything wrong really, im just difficult to please and need to be 100% relaxed. Which i can't be unless im on my own.

I have never orgasmed through penetrative sex, oral sex or a vibrator. I do enjoy sex with the right person and achieve pleasurable satisfaction. I have told previous sexual partners I haven't orgasmed with them and they made it their life's mission to do it. Sweet in some ways but mostly annoying as it took away from any pleasure as there was a 'target'. I've never told my current partner of 15 years. I can orgasm with my fingers in a very specific position that I cannot recreate with a partner. I wonder if I'm broken down there.

You’re not broken. We’re all different. I can orgasm within about 60 seconds of penetrative sex and no foreplay (genuinely) but can’t do it myself!!

Im so glad to have found this thread. I thought I was alone.

So much pressure on women to find this easy…

in all the books and films see is portrayed from the male fantasy point of view: woman instantly arroused and orgasms in sync with the male

in the missionary position as well 🤔

i think that it is one of those subjects lots of women lie about even to themselves as societal pressure is just so huge in that respect

I also can’t and struggle alone unless I’m 100% relaxed. Previous partners who knew make it into a competition and have been at it for hours and it’s quite frankly boring ! I’m quite happy for a quick one now and sort myself out when I feel like it.

I only reach o with fingers; 20 mins

Current partner refuses p-i-v they prefer bum sex. Does nothing for me.