AIBU to not tell my DH I’ve never orgasmed with him (or anyone else)?

[GreyRugBook]

NC for this as it’s quite personal.

DH and I (mid 30s) have been together for 8 years. Before him I only had 2 sexual partners- one long term relationship of 3 years and then one I was dating for ~6months. I can’t have one night stands, I’m too scared of STDs (PSHE classes did their job!) and need that connection to feel comfortable enough to have sex. I’ve never orgasmed with any of them, but have faked it with all as it just wasn’t happening and I was very self conscious of being difficult (now working with a therapist on people pleasing).

I’m now at the stage where I am wondering whether I bring it up to my DH as I feel guilty with objectively lying for the last 8 years. The sex is decent, but I always get too in my own head to finish and I’ve not been comfortable expressing what I want. This is absolutely nothing to do with DH who is the kindest man in the world and is responsible for me now feeling comfortable enough to voice my needs in a relationship.

I previously brought it up gently with my ex who told me it was all my fault, he had never had an issue with anyone else and that I was a liar. We continued to have sex for the rest of the relationship but he was so hurt that I continued faking to make him feel better. I know now that I shouldn’t have done this but I was early 20s, inexperienced and shy.

I don’t need to orgasm all the time; our relationship is fantastic and I don’t value sex too much. I also have in the last few years been telling the truth ~75% of the time and saying I didn’t come, but that the sex is still good and I enjoyed it.
I am able to orgasm (after my ex I thought it was impossible and a ‘me’ problem), I found in the last few years that I can with a vibrator. I haven’t had the guts to ask whether we can incorporate it into sex yet (that’s the next step).

I would like to say, I’m not usually this much of a coward (I’m assertive at work and within our relationship when I’m not happy etc.) but it’s just sex which is hard for me. Looking for advice from people who may have been in the same situation on whether to tell him or stay quiet.

I nearly get there during PIV and then whip out my little vibrator afterwards which takes about 20 or so seconds.
This works for me and I feel completely satisfied.
I have tried me cumming first but I don’t like the feel of PIV after I’ve orgasmed.

You're not alone and I found telling them to not be so good because they are so focused on that as the only meaningful part.

They don't seem to understand that some of the other parts are just as important like the closeness part.

Some of them take it as a challenge they are going to force you to do it by rubbing you raw so to speak

I think that for women, an orgasm doesnt have to be an all-or-nothing thing, where success is screaming like “Harry met sally” and anything less is a failure. There are lots of ways to enjoy sex and reach a mini climax without the screaming.

no need to tell your partner about the past, but ask what he thinks of adding toys for variety.

What about reframing what "sex" is? It's not that you don't orgasm during sex, it's that you don't during penetration. But masturbation is also sex! Could it be added to the routine so that you can have more pleasure before, during or after penetration?

We discussed it once with a friend as your clitoris is more outside than in, to be stimulated enough is requires outside stimulation rather than inside, as it is for many of us. My Friend has an indoor one (it's not a scientific explanation but it helped me in the visualisation! )

I know i almost never do any sexual time without direct external clitorian stimulation. My partner often says "can I get help from a friend to get you off? " and whips it out 😂

Personally, I would not tell him.

Just work on things going forward.

Good luck.

I think it’s strange that you are married to someone you can’t be totally honest with

why fake it

Oral works very well..

Faked it for 20 years!

I wouldn’t say anything, it will only put pressure on both of you. Bodies change as we get older anyway, you could just let him assume it’s hormonal shifts.

Why would you put up with that?

Those of you who use vibrators during sex are you willing to share any recommendations?
@abitscaredarentI
@MyOliveViewer
@BountifulPantry
anf anyone else?

Very very rarely do I climax from piv - and it’s only happened when I’ve been on top.

Quickie sex is nice but I need longer sessions to o - perhaps using a vibrator during these short sessions may be the way forward.

OP I think just explain what you’ve written above, your insecurities etc and assure him you love him and love being intimate with him but can you have a reset? Maybe a letter?

let us know how you get on,

I would not tell him. I don't think that there's anything to be gained by doing so. He will likely be hurt and a bit embarassed / ashamed and then the issue just becomes more complicated.

I do think you should stop faking though and then work on introducing things that might help you to as you already are (e.g. vibrator, or practising more with fingers on your own in order to better instruct, or just getting out of your head about it - it's probably mental not physical).

I think it is totally normal to fake it some of the time.

I don't believe everyone is totally honest in their marriages!

If yiu told him the truth he would lose trust.

The reason you faked it was because you do love being with him jut could not orgasm. It's not to blame him or you. You do not owe anyone the absolute truth about your responses during sex!

I use a small clit vibrator approximately the size of a lipstick and make sure I change the batteries regularly.

I’m not faking it as such. I do wish women who experience sex differently would stop judging and commenting, it’s really not helpful.
I can orgasm on my own with a vibrator and that is what I think of as a classic organism. I have lots of other building sensations while having sex which aren’t ‘real’ orgasms but are very pleasurable and this is what I have during sex with my DH.
The pressure of attempting a real O and disappointment when not reaching it would dominate sex. I’m happy, he’s happy. I’m not faking liking sex, I do really enjoy it, I’m just using a word he understands for sensations he doesn’t understand.
Im happy with myself and my decision and we are both happy with our sex life.

I think you should tell him. It is no fault or lack of consideration on his part, just your biology.

purplesweater

Was that comment for me?

I used the term faking it in relation to the OP because she said she felt she had been effectively lying. I was not making judgement at all. I was referring to the fact that if anyone pretends to organise during sex then they are doing it because they don't want to hurt ther partners feelings. Unless you are the OP I was not commenting on you.

Orgasm not organise!!!

No not intended for you - more the “oh I can O in under a minute with my fingers - I thought everybody could hahahah”
I think we don’t understand enough about female sexuality to define faking it. Male orgasm is obvious. I suspect many women experience a huge range of feelings and physical experiences that might involve liquid ejaculation, spasms, waves of feelings etc. To define one of these as the prime objective and if that particular one doesn’t happen your faking or lying isn’t helpful.
Chase sexual please by all means, go for it, enjoy it, do it! But don’t feel a failure if it isn’t one particular thing.

Ah thank you.

I use a clitoral stimulator, google ‘Womaniser’ for the type, but mine was about £10 from eBay and does the job!

Get USB rechargeable to save on batteries 😉

The secret to an orgasm is the 3 P's - Position, Pressure and Pace plus a bit of fantasy if they are not working. I have only ever orgasmed in missionery position at a slow pace. Hope this helps some people.

Finger stimulation absolutely nothing for me and never has. I hate it now

I use a wand vibrator, mainly, a powerful one. Wireless, rechargeable. My partner likes it too since he can feel the vibrations.
I also have a couple of the satisfyers, different ones, more clitoris oriented.