AIBU to not tell my DH I’ve never orgasmed with him (or anyone else)?

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NC for this as it’s quite personal.

DH and I (mid 30s) have been together for 8 years. Before him I only had 2 sexual partners- one long term relationship of 3 years and then one I was dating for ~6months. I can’t have one night stands, I’m too scared of STDs (PSHE classes did their job!) and need that connection to feel comfortable enough to have sex. I’ve never orgasmed with any of them, but have faked it with all as it just wasn’t happening and I was very self conscious of being difficult (now working with a therapist on people pleasing).

I’m now at the stage where I am wondering whether I bring it up to my DH as I feel guilty with objectively lying for the last 8 years. The sex is decent, but I always get too in my own head to finish and I’ve not been comfortable expressing what I want. This is absolutely nothing to do with DH who is the kindest man in the world and is responsible for me now feeling comfortable enough to voice my needs in a relationship.

I previously brought it up gently with my ex who told me it was all my fault, he had never had an issue with anyone else and that I was a liar. We continued to have sex for the rest of the relationship but he was so hurt that I continued faking to make him feel better. I know now that I shouldn’t have done this but I was early 20s, inexperienced and shy.

I don’t need to orgasm all the time; our relationship is fantastic and I don’t value sex too much. I also have in the last few years been telling the truth ~75% of the time and saying I didn’t come, but that the sex is still good and I enjoyed it.
I am able to orgasm (after my ex I thought it was impossible and a ‘me’ problem), I found in the last few years that I can with a vibrator. I haven’t had the guts to ask whether we can incorporate it into sex yet (that’s the next step).

I would like to say, I’m not usually this much of a coward (I’m assertive at work and within our relationship when I’m not happy etc.) but it’s just sex which is hard for me. Looking for advice from people who may have been in the same situation on whether to tell him or stay quiet.

I just want you to know you’re not alone. I’m late 40s and dealing with this now (although I’m single). I’m terrified but realised if I stand any chance of making a relationship work I have to work on being honest first.

This thread is really interesting.

OP I have never managed to have an orgasm while having penetrative sex with a man.

However I can easily do so if I masturbate or use a vibrator.

I think that so many men are just rubbish at foreplay and completely bypass seduction. Too many just take their cues from porn and think that penetrative sex is the only goal/way to have sex. They also don't react well when you tell them this is just not working for you...

One of the many reasons I have stopped dating all together.

However you might have a good man who will appreciate your honesty and I think you should really talk to him about this.

I can’t tell you how much this thread has helped me. I actually feel a bit emotional. For so long I’ve thought I was an anomaly, it’s not something I’ve ever told anyone. It’s come at a time when I’ve really been working through my feelings about sex and relationships as well, so thank you, it’s made me feel less of a freak.

Spent 6 years with my ex, never orgasmed. Wasn’t a great relationship to be honest.
First time I came I was on my own ;-)
Once I learnt what worked for me, I could introduce that when I had sex (always in relationships as would feel too vulnerable in a ONS situation).

Unfortunately menopause has really caused a nosedive - things are so uncomfortable most of the time and the thought of then having to deal with a UTI (despite taking precautions to prevent one) kind of puts me off!

You’re not alone. It took me until my mid 40s, post divorce, to learn, on my own. I was single a very long time and the vibrator was my friend. I’m now in a new relationship and happily have found someone who I can be completely uninhibited with.

This thread doesn't surprise me actually and is a big reason I teach sex ed. How many women, let alone men, know the actual shape of the clitoris? That it's made from erectile tissue? That the g spot is just the back of the clitoris?

There are apps like omgyes that will educate you, quite graphically.

Most people are capable of orgasm. Understanding the human body is the first step.

I think orgasms are massively overrated IMHO. I can only do it using a vibrator, and even then it's very quick.

I've probably only had an orgasm with my DH maybe twice in the 20 years we've been together, and always with a vibrator.

I hate oral sex, hate giving blowjobs, I only like missionary really. Maybe I'm broken, or maybe it's just me. Who knows.

I would not necessarily say you’ve never but I would go along the lines of, let’s try something new and put yourself out there. Don’t be afraid to tell
him what feels good. You’ve been together 8 years, not 8 weeks.

wand vibrator, small rechargeable on Amazon, around £20. I could never get DW there from PIV, so I bought one for her to try and it worked in 30 seconds 😆We've now been using one every time during sex for maybe 8 years or so. I can try my best but I just can't replicate what it does for her. I would recommend talking to your DH, he sounds like the type of guy who will take no offence and absolutely no bloke would be happy knowing their partner wasn't getting there, I'd just say 'Dave I'd love to try one of these next time' and then just buy it and try.
Good luck!