Would you take children to a grandparent’s funeral after almost a decade of no direct contact with the kids

[NotPerfectlyAdverage]

Hi could do with some advice. Basic facts boil down to this.

Dhs step mum has suddenly and unexpectedly died.

Fil hasn't seen our two youngest kids for over nine years. No falling out. I will go into that later but it's nothing acrimonious.

Dd was 3. Ds was 5. Would you take them to the funeral? They are now 12 and 14. Dh sees his dad once a year or so. But with our two now adult boys who have very infrequent but more recent contact and via SM

No

No I wouldn't. Funerals are very upsetting for children, I wouldn't take them unless they really need to be there, i don't think they need to be there in this situation.

I wouldn’t, I don’t believe in putting grief on children out of duty. She was a stranger to them.

No

I'd ask the kids what they wanted.

No

Honestly right now I don't want ask them, I want to make the best choice for them and my fil without putting the emphasis on them to choose

Have you got 4 children ? Because if 2 of them are adults surely they can decide for themselves

At those ages I would ask them and respect their decision, they may not want to go but don’t take the decision for them

No

Given their ages I’d ask and be guided by them.

I also think that it might be a “good” funeral for them to attend. Eg not a close, much loved grandparent but someone distant and vague. Less chance of them being very upset or indeed seeing you & DH upset.
It introduces death, dying and funerals in a less threatening or scary way.

I think you present it to them not as a choice but as an opportunity to express an opinion if they need to.

Something like

"Daddy is going to the funeral, but we don't think either of you want to go do you - it's such a long time since we saw them I don't suppose you have any memories do you?"

99% probability they will agree with you and you haven't laid the decision on them

Small possibility, they have some complicated feelings and this is an opportunity to express them.

Maybe you could talk to them about it. Say that you have been thinking about the best choice for them and then realised that now they are older, perhaps you should discuss it with them first.

To be honest, it is easier if the first funeral you attend is for someone you aren't particularly close to.

I wouldn't take them, no.
The two adult ones I would expect to make their own minds up and if they choose to go, to arrange that themselves. They wouldn't need me to involve myself in that decision.

Fair. Well if fil hasn't been bothered about not seeing them for 9 years I'm not sure he gets to be upset if they're not there.
Agree with @Cotopaxi and @KindlySurfiingPlatypus about a discussion with them though, even if you don't want them to make the decision.

Yes those two - it's totally up them. I mean my school age kids. I have no desire to dictate anything to the 18 and 22 year old.

Yes, I most definitely would take my kids to that funeral.

This is how I feel. The basic fact is they are strangers but will go for duty to attend. It boils down to this.

I'm not drip feeding but we have asked fil multiple times if he wants us to bring the kids up. There are a never ending string of "when the weather is better, after my holiday, soon, soon..."

I loved that woman and I'm hurting right now but it almost feels voyageristic. Like they ( he, fil) kept the little two at such arms lenght.

Both of the kids has Autism, EHCPs and at sen placements. My dd is extremely bright and they both fully understand what is going on.

I feel we will be trotting them out as a socail norm. They went to mums funeral 3 years ago but they saw her very regularly. She was a nan. Not a stranger of blood.

They went to dhs cousin funeral. A bit of a stranger granted but they was on the outskirts. No focus as a grandkid. No awkward questions memories, no mention of them in the eulogy. It will undoubtedly say say she was a living gran. And she was. But in no normal sense.

Plus fil doesn't want to talk to dh right now. His life has imploded. Is the best time to meet grandad? When he is utterly destroyed? Every part of me says no. They will only know their dad, uncle, aunt and two cousins. Everyone there will be a stranger. It will be huge.

I don't want to make this about their ASD. At the crux of it, they didn't know mil. They don't know grandad. Fil can't even face his son right now.

Nope.

FIL sounds awful. No way would I take children in those circumstances.

You’ve explained in detail why they shouldn’t be there.

Yes, sometimes you should do the right thing even though it isn't what you want.

It's not about what I want. It's what is best for fil as he is at the centre here and what is best for my kids.

I am toying with the idea of asking them but my real fear is so many things. I can't think straight. More rejection? Neither of them are in the slightest bit upset.

Me and my brother were 14 and 12 when our grandfather died. (Nearly 15 and 13.) The relationship was “complicated”. Very complicated. And to add to the complication the funeral was quite a big deal as my grandfather was “well known in certain circles”. Not quite State Mourning but a lot more than a normal funeral.

My parents had to decide if we went and if so what level of involvement we had.

They talked to us. We discussed it a lot. All the different options were explored. In the end I felt very strongly what I wanted. Db partly followed my lead but also stepped back on a couple of things.

It was the right decision for us.

There were problems at the funeral as my aunt had made the decisions for my cousins (then 13 and 10) and the 13 year old was angry with her mum that she had made the choice for her. So things had to be changed at the last minute.

I know you want to protect your children but they are old enough to have an opinion even if the opinion is “I don’t know - what do you think mum” which was my brother’s overall.