Would you take children to a grandparent’s funeral after almost a decade of no direct contact with the kids

[NotPerfectlyAdverage]

Hi could do with some advice. Basic facts boil down to this.

Dhs step mum has suddenly and unexpectedly died.

Fil hasn't seen our two youngest kids for over nine years. No falling out. I will go into that later but it's nothing acrimonious.

Dd was 3. Ds was 5. Would you take them to the funeral? They are now 12 and 14. Dh sees his dad once a year or so. But with our two now adult boys who have very infrequent but more recent contact and via SM

I think this is making it far more deeper than it needs to be. And I don’t see the need for careful words and baby talk. A distant relative they don’t know has died. A ‘hey, do you want to go to x’s funeral or not’ is surely fine?

I wouldn't. I'm not against bringing children to funerals in of itself at all. It can be a important thing for a child to help process the death of a loved one but I don't see the point in taking them to a funeral of a virtual stranger.

Call me a cow but I really couldn't care less about keeping up appearances for someone that couldn't be bothered to make time for my children. They don't owe FIL anything if he hasn't seen them in 10 years.

I would ask them.
Somewhat different circumstances, but I didn’t think my DC ( DD in particular as she was 4 when they last saw each other ) would remember my dad as they hadn’t seen him for 5+ years previous due to Covid and then his dementia progressing rapidly to the point he wouldn’t have know they were there if I’d taken them to visit. Anyway they were very upset when he died and actually remembered quite a lot, so I asked them and made sure they knew what to expect then took them to the funeral as that’s what they wanted.

That’s not asking them, it’s leading.

Based on the background you provided, absolutely not. They didn’t know her or have any relationship with her.

No I wouldn’t take them to a funeral where they have no relationship with and no memories of the deceased or her husband. FIL sounds quite unpleasant as well - wouldn’t want to expose the kids to him, especially if he’s grieving and might be more unpleasant than usual.

Plus fil doesn't want to talk to dh right now. His life has imploded. Is the best time to meet grandad?

Normally, I'd say yes, it is better for young people to be there and have closure (even if the relationship wasn't that active), than be shielded and feel they weren't allowed to.

However, this is the reason for "no" here. If the main griever doesn't want to see even his son, having younger grandchildren there doesn't add any value for anyone.

No I wouldn’t, unless they’ve directly expressed that they want to go. I must have been 10 or 11 when my great grandmother died and I’d seen her regularly (although she had Alzheimers so didn’t ‘know’ me as such, it wasn’t a typical grandparent / grandchild relationship. Honestly I was probably a bit frightened of her, despite vaguely remembering her pre-Alzheimers). I was taken to her funeral but can’t say it would have bothered me at all (then or now) if I hadn’t gone.

Yes this is another big factor. Both bil and fil have expressly said to not contact him. Take his lead and give him the space he needs. I don't think he is going to have bandwidth for dh this week. So why bandwidth for strange kids in a few weeks time?

He is stranger to the kids.

The kids are strangers to him.

It's very early days and raw. Maybe it will feel different in a few days. But ds14 said to his dad "I'm sorry for your loss". Despite the fact that he did last meet grandad aged five, he was non verbal until 7 so that memory will not be memory he can attach to fil. We had to show him a photo so he would know who it was and not be scared or confused that it was dhs bio mum who he does know. So he doesn't even know her by name.

Poor mil. It's no reflection on her. Nothing to do with being a step mum. This is purely on fil not knowing them. my heads spinning. I just had this this feeling when fil said don't phone, don't come up. Barriers come up ( 100% fair and normal) but this history popped into my head and I thought "dont put this barrier on display to the kids". Seeing dh being blocked out. As I say fil has to do whatever he has to do 100% as this is fundamentally about and around him. But let's be honest its dysfunctional. Why throw the kids in now? Right at the worse time for him? Gut is saying no. Head is saying give them a very blunt choice. But I know they will go. But if don't mention it, they will never ask. Lots of talking and its not come up yet from either.

Also gut says if we asked fil, he would say don't bring them. Not for horrible reasons. He would say don't upset them.

Stop overthinking. You know they should not go. So don’t. Your FIL sounds rather horrible tbh. Grief doesn’t give you a right to be a dick. Your husband needs to grow a pair and stop pandering to this abusive twat and leave him to it.

Why doesn’t your fil want to see your dh? You make it sound like it’s normal but if there’s a reason then your kids don’t need to see their dad being ignored or worse there being drama with fil

Assuming your kids ASD comes down from Grandad then....?
Sorry for your loss

Right now? He is destroyed by grief.
He is ex military.
Hardy wants his son to see him in a state? That would be my guess. I think that's very close if not the truth. Plus no bandwidth for more persons emotions needs or grief. I can't know for sure. It's valid. But not helping do that's for sure.
Dh job is worry about fil
My job is worry about do and kids right now. I can't protect fil from this r even do. Kids I can. Not from the death. From the bigger picture

Overthinking is all i can do to cope. Normally we would have been with fil as soon as she took a turn if we wasn't dysfunctional.

But instead I have been at work all day and dh has been off sick at home. It's all i have right now to process. I have known her decades. I loved her. Dh should be there. I should be supporting him. But here we are. I can not even process this is real.

I think you need to find a way to process and come to terms with the fact that you are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship with FIL. Your FIL doesn't sound like a nice person and clearly has a lot of his own issues but you and your DH can't change that. Estrangement, in my experience, is something that is really hard to explain to children.

Whatever you choose I don't think that attending this funeral is going to heal any relationships.

That's another valid point. The funeral might be their only memory of him as its extremely unlikely he will suddenly want a relationship with them afterwards.

I keep thinking he has tried so hard to keep them at arms length all their lives. Why ruin it now for him?

I don't understand why you can't be off work to be with your DH though?
Okay so you aren't going to FILs, but you could be there for your DH in your own home rather than at work?

It sounds to me, and I’m sorry to say this, as though FIL has resisted seeing your younger children because of their obvious disabilities. Not unusual in military circles to poo-poo the likes of autism, together with any mental illness. I think you’re giving him way more respect than he deserves as my suspicion is that he is a dick.

Don’t put your kids through this experience. And be sceptical about FIL. I suspect if you think back you might recognise hints of what I am talking about if you’re honest with yourself.

No. Funerals can be upsetting, in this case there’s no need for them to go and it may upset them unnecessarily.

No, neither of us can get compassionate leave as she wasn't his bio mum. He can go off sick. I could take unpaid leave but it's just happened so no time for me to ask HR yesterday

I get you. My suspicion too. If he met dd he might be stunned to see she is everything you would like a Instagram perfect grandchild to be ( with a fiery side she would doesn't show 95% of the time). But he doesn't know her. My ds however brilliant is very obviously different.

It doesn’t sound like there is one good reason for the kids to go to this funeral.

Dh still hasn't been allowed to see his dad or phone him but he has had a few messages. So still "respect he isn't ready yet phase" but his dad has traveled over 300 miles to visit family.

After this I'm thinking definitely no way. He is intentionally or not, pushing dh out. I think dh is really struggling with being on the outside of the process now and is not going to hold it together on the day ( which might be the only point he is included). Told dh I'm not involving the youngest in this..I'm not telling the two adult kids why dad hasn't seen grandad yet. None of the kids have asked any questions since being told except asking dh if he is OK.

It will probably take time but I think that your DH is going to have to find a way to come to terms with the fact that his dad doesn't care about him or want a relationship. I'm sorry, this really sucks.