Would you take children to a grandparent’s funeral after almost a decade of no direct contact with the kids

[NotPerfectlyAdverage]

Hi could do with some advice. Basic facts boil down to this.

Dhs step mum has suddenly and unexpectedly died.

Fil hasn't seen our two youngest kids for over nine years. No falling out. I will go into that later but it's nothing acrimonious.

Dd was 3. Ds was 5. Would you take them to the funeral? They are now 12 and 14. Dh sees his dad once a year or so. But with our two now adult boys who have very infrequent but more recent contact and via SM

This. Does your husband actually want to go to the funeral? Was he close to his step mum?

Grand kids decision is easy. They don't need to go. It's your husband who is struggling.

I wouldn't be taking g them as they had no real relationships with the deceased. If they had a relationship then I'd have asked them if they wanted to go or not. Tbh I'm not in favour of DC taking time away from school unnecessarily.

Yes and yes. Very much

OK so I would leave the kids out of it entirely, and focus on how you best support your husband through a very difficult experience. Does he want you to be there with him? Would you be able to intervene if his dad behaved unkindly towards him - which tbh sounds quite likely?

We haven't talked about if Iam going yet. Another issue is childcare because dispite both of the kids being secondary, one gets a taxi into sen school so just needs getting up and walking out at the right time. But the 12 year old gets driven to her unit by us. It's not impossible for me to go. Will just need some logistics. I do think I need to go, if only to support dh. But our eldest has said he can support dh what ever happens. Because he said he has nothing but nice memories. However it's not like normal grandparents as no tonnes of major memories do he he isn't feeling that upset himself

Can your older ones be around to help the kids in school get there on the day, freeing you and DH up to do the funeral trip? Could anyone give the 12 year old a lift as a one off?

Yes there is another school mum.i could ask for dd lift as she drives past our house. Ds just needs to outside at the right time but it's getting him and out the door. He has zero concept of time, so needs constant prompting to move onto the next task. Plus some. Any part that goes goes wrong and he couldn't recover his routine anyway. There's a chance that the 18 year old will not want to go. He could in theory do it as having a year off post A levels to resit a subject

No. Dc’s great grandparents both passed away this year (in their late 90s, bless them!). They were lovely and we saw them every couple years. There was no falling out, just not super close. Dc did not go to their funerals. It’s not really appropriate for children unless they were really close. Dh and I went to one as during school day. Dh went alone to the other as was 4pm and I had to do the school run.

The date for the funeral has been set and dh has told his dad im not going without even asking me.

Not sure how I feel about that.

Is he maybe a bit embarrassed about how his dad is treating him and your children?

This all sounds so hard OP.

Nope

No I wouldn’t

I don't know. I need to sit him down tonight and try and work out what's going on. It's been over a week. Still not welcome to see his dad. Won't go up until the body is ready to view either at which point I think the plan is to overule his dad if he says no.

The little two haven't asked if they can go and haven't mentioned her death since they was told. My 18 year old hasn't said if he will go or not. Eldest said he will but now the funeral will be after his uni term starts so if he has a lab I don't think he can go ( stem degree so cant miss labs easily). So dh might be on his own.

Evidently his dad was asking who was going for idea of numbers but that seems unlikely as the funeral will announced on SM so I think there will be lots of extended family. His dad said mil didn't know the kids so understands why we have said no. He asked if I was going. That's when dh said no