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Struggling with my three-year-old repeating phrases and pushing me to snapping

104 replies

howdoinot · 09/09/2026 12:33

My three year old has this tendency to repeat the same phrase over and over, working herself up into a complete state with it irrespective of what my reaction is. So for instance if she wants a drink she’ll just keep repeating I want a drink, I want a drink, and will just keep saying it over and over getting increasingly loud and desperate and frantic until I give her a drink.

The problem is that I really struggle with it and eventually it makes me snap and then I lose it, roaring and screaming at her and saying things I don’t mean. We just had it in the car on the way back from somewhere. She dropped something and started screaming for it and I couldn’t do anything about it and twenty minutes on she was still at it and I just broke.

I tried Loop earplugs and they did nothing. It’s awful and it doesn’t happen a lot but I end up feeling terrible and she’s upset and it’s just horrible.

OP posts:
howdoinot · 11/09/2026 08:09

I don’t think she really heats anything j say @concertinacornflake , it inflames the situation when I speak. Thanks, though.

@jeffsaward thats literally what I’ve been saying, I haven’t asked for advice on getting her to stop, I’ve asked for advice for me.

OP posts:
jeffsaward · 11/09/2026 08:14

howdoinot · 11/09/2026 08:09

I don’t think she really heats anything j say @concertinacornflake , it inflames the situation when I speak. Thanks, though.

@jeffsaward thats literally what I’ve been saying, I haven’t asked for advice on getting her to stop, I’ve asked for advice for me.

Yes but the advice you have been getting is for her. Please speak to your GP they should be able to signpost you.

Bigreddog25 · 11/09/2026 11:14

Why does it take so long to get her a drink that she's at the point of getting frantic and you've heard the phrase so many times that it's making you snap?

'Mummy can I have a drink'
'Of course let me get that for you'

Less than 1 minute later- drink in hand?

howdoinot · 11/09/2026 12:39

I know that @jeffsaward , and I have tried to redirect people. I don’t find GPs helpful for things like this, but thanks.

@Bigreddog25 , it doesn’t if it’s just a drink. But she might want a drink in the Elsa bottle and I only have the unicorn one with me. Or she’s dropped her hair clip, or she doesn’t want those crisps, or she wants something completely random her brother has because he has it. I’m not denying her basic needs.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 11/09/2026 16:43

howdoinot · 10/09/2026 18:01

@BertieBotts i do appreciate your reply and others and sorry if I sounded dismissive. There’s sometimes a dichotomy between what I want days with my DD to look like and how they are!

Don't worry at all, I was not annoyed by any of your posts Smile

BertieBotts · 11/09/2026 16:57

Happy to help troubleshoot BTW if you want to say more about the dichotomy. It took me a long time and lots of experimenting to get to a point where I feel I can manage my own energy and patience levels - which is sort of the "own oxygen mask on first" of parenting IME because if you get frazzled, even if you try to hide it they pick up on it anyway and it stresses them out which tends to lead to difficult behaviour.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 11/09/2026 17:08

Comeinsideforacupoftea · 10/09/2026 17:01

Our brains haven't evolved since we were cavemen and yet the world we have created and are expected to survive in has become vastly different and more unnatural. Do you honestly refuse to acknowledge that this has had any impact on our ability to cope and our ability to raise our young? I'm not disputing that neurodiversity exists but if multiple people are jumping on a single developmentally appropriate behaviour and labelling it autism then we are failing to address the real problem.

Edited

It's more the case that the changes in the world is making it much harder for autistic people to cope, so we are failing to cope more often and more visibly.

There have always been people who preferred solitude and struggled with saying the wrong thing, but a quieter less-crowded world was easier to cope with, so we went unnoticed.

Ponderingwindow · 11/09/2026 17:09

one thing I often did and still do even though mine is 17 is explain the ‘why’. It doesn’t always work, but it serves two purposes. First, with repetition, even a three year old will eventually catch on to why you can’t deal with something in the moment. Second, it gives your brain something to do. (Thankfully with my 17 year old the why can just be a real conversation now and not what I am about to model)

I know you want the hair clip right now. You must be very angry that I’m not getting the hair clip. Can you see that mummy is driving. My hands are on the steering wheel and my eyes are on the road. If I stop doing those things, we will crash the car and be hurt….

your counter narrative can stop your brain on fixating on what she is doing. Really focus on as much detail as possible. It’s basically a CBT technique to stop a panic attack. My favorite one is describe an object to an alien. This time though, you are getting your 3yo to join in and maybe some of the information will eventually sink in.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 11/09/2026 17:12

howdoinot · 10/09/2026 18:01

@BertieBotts i do appreciate your reply and others and sorry if I sounded dismissive. There’s sometimes a dichotomy between what I want days with my DD to look like and how they are!

Your own inflexibility about how the day should look is the problem here.

concertinacornflake · 11/09/2026 17:32

howdoinot · 11/09/2026 08:09

I don’t think she really heats anything j say @concertinacornflake , it inflames the situation when I speak. Thanks, though.

@jeffsaward thats literally what I’ve been saying, I haven’t asked for advice on getting her to stop, I’ve asked for advice for me.

Have you tried naming your own feelings, as a method to stop you losing your temper?

Livelaughlurgy · 11/09/2026 17:38

I sometimes manage to redirect my guy by talking about the thing. Like I wish I could pick it up- if I had elastic arms I would strech my arm back and pick it up. Or if blue had wings he could fly up to you. Or if I had magic I could zap it. Magnets might work- what could we do if he was magnetic.

or I want a drink too, my mouth is so dry it's like a dessert, I'm so thirsty I could drink and entire bath of water.

and then at some point something would hook him. But I'd be engaging my brain thinking of imaginative things and genuinely trying to have fun with outlandish ideas and often he'd join in.

howdoinot · 11/09/2026 18:03

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 11/09/2026 17:12

Your own inflexibility about how the day should look is the problem here.

I haven’t said anything about how the day should look, so I’m inclined to think this post is just trying to give me a hard time.

@Livelaughlurgy and @Ponderingwindow i know those things are supposed to work, they are suggested by parenting books, but have never worked with my children as it seems to aggravate the situation and get them angry.

I realise my response is the issue and I’m not like this all the time and nor is she, the problem is when she is on a ‘loop’ I can’t give her what she wants either because I can’t or because it wouldn’t be right and I can’t stop her and ends up with me getting angry which does snap her out of it but not a good way of dealing with it.

OP posts:
Jdonwh · 11/09/2026 18:19

howdoinot · 09/09/2026 14:57

@Blondeshavemorefun thanks but I am confident there is nothing I can say that will get through to her. Just hearing my voice sends her into a rage and if the ‘loop’ is stopping it I speak it starts it up again. So I have to sit in silence and just take it and it leads to that fight or flight thing @BertieBotts mentions. I hate it!

Then you have to learn ways of dealing with the panicky fight or flight response. Look into body relaxation and breathing techniques. Learn to relax and zone out from the intensity of it. It's on you to manage how you respond, even if it is really hard. Breathe and tell yourself to stay calm and the situation will pass soon.
Please do not shout and scream at her, she is tiny and will not understand why you are so angry with her. It will be frightening for her and emotionally damaging for her if it keeps happening.
Well done for recognising the problem, but the way forward is with you changing how you cope with this, not expecting her to change. She is little and will grow out of it.

whippersnapper55 · 11/09/2026 21:55

She is being a typical 3 year old, they are often unreasonable, relentless and loud! You need to have strategies for maintaining your own calm in these situations. Breathing and visualisation techniques can help. Removing her to another room at home until she calms down or walking away to calm yourself down can help. Screaming and roaring at her is damaging, and it's not teaching her anything except fear. You need to model the behaviour you want to see. She is learning how to regulate herself and she will learn from watching you. It takes patience and it doesn't happen overnight but if you are consistent, she will get there.

BertieBotts · 11/09/2026 22:32

Do you think you're getting triggered into the fight or flight response by the sensory input ie the tone and volume of her voice, or is it more of an emotional response because you feel responsible for her distress and feel that you are failing at your "job" because you are not able to give her what she wants?

I think the two difficulties need different approaches.

Autumngirl5 · 11/09/2026 22:40

I would also suggest that she doesn’t get what she wants until she is quieter but if that doesn’t work, can she be distracted? Or maybe just keep repeating back to her ‘I will do it as soon as I can’.

howdoinot · 12/09/2026 06:58

BertieBotts · 11/09/2026 22:32

Do you think you're getting triggered into the fight or flight response by the sensory input ie the tone and volume of her voice, or is it more of an emotional response because you feel responsible for her distress and feel that you are failing at your "job" because you are not able to give her what she wants?

I think the two difficulties need different approaches.

Good question. I think it’s the repetition and the tone; especially in the car it’s very hard to escape from.

OP posts:
concertinacornflake · 12/09/2026 07:08

howdoinot · 12/09/2026 06:58

Good question. I think it’s the repetition and the tone; especially in the car it’s very hard to escape from.

Were your own parents kind and accommodating when you were sad? This can have a big impact on how easy people find it to deal with visible upset from their own kids.

You don't have to say here, but worth thinking about.

howdoinot · 12/09/2026 07:17

It isn’t that she’s sad @concertinacornflake , it isn’t that at all, I’ve no issue dealing with her kindly and compassionately when she is genuinely sad, this is when she’s specifically stuck on a loop and I can’t get her out of it regardless of how kind and understanding I am about it.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 12/09/2026 11:32

There is some useful stuff in here about when you and your child have clashing sensory needs - which I think the "unable to escape" feeling probably is that.

There are also things which might feel a bit dismissive but could help you cope such as turning on loud music in the car. And in terms of noise blocking, passive noise cancellation (ie, blocking your ears somehow) is more effective against higher pitches which change suddenly, like a child's voice, whereas ANC is more effective against lower, more consistent pitches like aeroplane/traffic/fan noise. So actually some proper ear defenders or the 3M earplugs as someone else suggested can be more effective. I do not like wearing either of these myself as I don't like the physical sensation, but they can be a sort of "least worst" in some situations.

If you feel that you are not safe to drive with less hearing ability, then consider that DD's screaming in itself is also likely to be blocking your ability to hear things. So if you feel that adding hearing protection or loud music to the entire effect would be dangerous, it might actually be worth treating this kind of incident as an emergency and pulling over as soon as it is safe to do so and see if you can wait for the "loop" to end before you start to drive again. TBH I personally cannot drive - I never managed to pass a driving test - so I don't have a huge amount of experience with driving and I don't know whether it's safe or not, but as you do drive I think you could probably make a judgement here. Certainly if you're getting to the point of screaming, I'd wonder if it's even possible to be focused on the road at that point so it might be best, even if inconvenient, to stop (though I could be totally wrong!!)

The thing with the specific pitch of a human scream, a child's whine, a baby's cry, is that these all occupy a part of the sound spectrum which is not used by anything else and therefore you are hard wired by evolution to respond to it as an emergency. In fact, we use the same frequency to create the sound used in things like fire alarms and sirens, specifically because it triggers escalation in the sympathetic nervous system which kicks us into a more alert mode where we can act quickly and decisively, but it has the side effect that this more awake/alert/ready for action mode pushes us more into actions triggered by the amygdala, which is the brain area which deals with emotions, memories, learnt/automatic behaviour, and perception of danger. So when we are in more of an alert, ready to react state, we are also in more of a heightened emotional state.

I noticed that although you say it is more the physical/sensory - you do keep returning to variations on "I can't get her out of the loop/I can't get her to stop" which is why I asked the question. What I tend to find is that when my nerves are jangled by unpleasant sensory input, probably because I've gone into that more emotional centre, anything emotional is really heightened and I definitely do on some level feel that if my child is unhappy, it is an emergency and I need to solve their feeling. There is a popular line on social media currently that this is about your own feelings not being met as a child and I also don't especially relate to that, I think it's probably overly simplistic although it does obviously hit a note for a lot of people.

So on one level it can help to (generally, ie outside of the moment) do some reframing about DD being upset or wanting something (esp something impossible) does not mean that you need to provide it instantly, that it is OK for her to feel frustrated, impatient, upset, powerless, even distraught - at times - because in fact feelings themselves are not dangerous or harmful, they are not much fun, but they do pass. I think we do sometimes worry/get the message that children can be harmed or traumatised by experiencing hard feelings and I don't think this is true. I don't think feelings are completely unimportant, but I do think I was probably giving them more importance than was ultimately helpful. Some useful things I've found for reframing my own role in DC's emotions which don't totally invalidate/dismiss them, are Janet Lansbury's blog/podcast (more so than her books) and the book When Your Kids Push Your Buttons by Bonnie Harris. I've also recently been reading about the SPACE parenting approach which has some of the same themes, about not always feeling you have to rescue DC from difficult emotions and trusting them to be able to handle this themselves as well, and how to know when to do this vs when to hold back.

I did mention about ND before and this is because you keep saying that the issue is about you rather than DD, and I think you're right - whether or not DD is ND is essentially irrelevant, because it is highly unlikely that anything would be diagnosed at this age, and even if it was it's not going to instantly make the difficult behaviour stop, so you need a way to cope with it short term even if you can work on things for her such as managing overstimulation to try to reduce the incidence. The only useful thing about information that your DD might be ND is to confirm that this behaviour is unusually intense (which I think it could be, ND or not) and that most parents are not dealing with it to this extent - perhaps most children would wear themselves out within about 5-10 mins or be amenable to some of the distraction/redirection techniques. My youngest would - but TBH, I don't know what is typical any more.

But if you yourself might be ND, it could also be that your brain is actually responding to the same stimulus that other parents experience in a different way. It might be for example that other parents are more able to mentally "filter" out this kind of input. It might be that their emotional response comes on more gradually, giving them more time to notice and down-regulate. If you feel that you are coping with it until you are suddenly not, it might be worth trying to pay attention to things like sensations in your body that start up when you feel you might be getting towards the explosion point. As well as the physical sensory tools such as hearing protection, what can also help here IME is understanding that when your body goes into a more stressed/emotional state, talking yourself out of it with words is unlikely to help. What helps tends to be more physical, so either mimicking the body language of a calmer body state - consciously slowing your breathing, lowering your shoulders, making your movements slow and deliberate, keeping your own voice at a lower pitch and volume and adopting a more soothing tone, one tip I heard was to actually speak using the rhythm of a heartbeat (ba-DUM, ba-DUM) though this doesn't help me - the other things do. Then other ideas are anything which connects you back to your body and helps you feel "in the room" such as mindfulness where you focus on physical sensations e.g. your bum on the chair, your feet on the ground/pedals, your clothing, maybe open the window to feel the cold air, also EFT tapping, or visualisation e.g. of roots tying you firmly into the ground can feed into this kind of grounding/mindfulness technique. If not driving then something physical like stretches, dancing/jumping/shaking the stress off. Breathing techniques - box breathing, timed breathing etc. And the last one is to try to shift your brain out of danger mode and back into thinking/cognitive mode, by focusing on something which needs cognitive functions like mapping out the journey ahead of you, running through times tables or other maths, narrating the process of whatever you're doing, reciting poetry or a favourite book, singing along to a song or a very repetitive nursery rhyme like One Man Went to Mow, counting items of different colours, looking for things which start with different alphabet letters, putting on a podcast which is a quiz or having some kind of puzzle on the go you can access throughout the day, anything similar to any of this. Doing any of these out loud can be easier than trying to hold onto the information mentally, but again it's just to shift your focus.

Some useful resources I've found for offering me strategies when I feel like I'm edging towards losing control are Conscious Discipline, which talks a lot about the different brain states, and TheOTButterfly has a lot of info about sensory self-regulation strategies - she has a book coming out which might be good. And Emily/Amelia Nagoski have a book called Burnout which talks about "closing the stress cycle" although TBH I found their podcast interviews about the concept in the book much more useful than the book itself.

And also again - sometimes it's helpful simply to create space between the two of you, if it's safe and appropriate to do that. Either until she calms down, or just to give you the space to collect yourself/try to use one or more of these ideas so that you can re-emerge with a calmer approach. If you need to cry, or scream into a pillow or whatever while you have space that's fine. Leaving her alone might not feel like ideal parenting, but it is better than losing it and shouting. Ideally you're aiming to get to a point where you can be using the self-calming techniques much earlier in the process before you are close to shouting, but for me I had to start by using them at the end, before I could even recognise the earlier signs. And whether it's relevant for you or not - but I found that I often enter this kind of state when I have accidentally neglected to eat/drink/use the toilet/give myself breaks generally. So trying to do all of these things proactively so that I do not find myself in a place where I desperately need something also helps.

This is quite a lot of information in one post, so I would say copy and paste it somewhere, and divide it into things to explore outside of the moment and things to try in the moment, and for the things to try in the moment, either have this as a bullet pointed list you can access quickly on a phone, print it out and stick it on the fridge or in the bathroom, or just pick one idea to try (and know that it's unlikely you'll remember it every time) and see if it helps.

Lastly I know you said you didn't find your GP very helpful, but if you are really struggling to manage your own emotions, GPs can prescribe SSRIs which some people find helpful, and can be a temporary measure. You can also often self-refer to CBT which can also help you develop some tools to cope with difficult emotions in the moment. You could also look to see whether you have a Family Hub nearby as they are meant to be opening all over the country and in theory should be able to help support with things like this.

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RosaMundi27 · 12/09/2026 11:49

Put on some music - quite loud, at home or in the car. It might interrupt her, and will certainly be nicer to listen to.

WantAnOrange · 12/09/2026 12:24

I'm a childminder and would say this is a fairly typical development phase. I know other posters have mentioned neurodiversity and, yeah when the behaviour tips into more intense or longer lasting then I would absolutely be open minded about that so not dismissing the suggestion at all. However, my experience working with lots of children this age is that yes, they do this and it's really really annoying.

My approach is to first, actually reflect on my response in terms of; what are my internalised ideas about what I should do. So, "I need a drink" becomes "I need to get child a drink urgently" and I've had to really work on the self talk. Saying "her request is not something I need to jump to instantly". A child can be making a lot of noise and we are designed to respond with urgency but not everything is as urgent as it feels. It's ok to say to yourself "I've answered her, she can keep making noise, it doesn't mean I need to do anything different".

And I think the things that enable that to happen is (aside from common sense, of course her basic needs are met....): increasing independence and accessibility because all behaviour is communication and in my experience, this behaviour is often communicating a need for that. So, I have a trolley in the kitchen that the children can reach, that has a basket for drinks bottles, a box of tissues etc...the stuff that I noticed they asked for on repeat. And then it took a good few weeks of me being a bit of a broken record and saying "you know where to find it".

I'd also set very clear expectations BEFORE getting in the car, every single time. So, you get her in her seat and you say "mummy is driving the car, if you drop anything, mummy will get it when we park at...." It will come up again during the journey, she will drop her hair clip! But now you can say "when we get there, then I will pick up your clip"...or even better "when we park the car, then YOU can pick up your clip".

I'm the meantime, I highly recommend turning the radio up if you need a couple of minutes without hearing demands, for your sanity.

concertinacornflake · 12/09/2026 12:30

howdoinot · 12/09/2026 07:17

It isn’t that she’s sad @concertinacornflake , it isn’t that at all, I’ve no issue dealing with her kindly and compassionately when she is genuinely sad, this is when she’s specifically stuck on a loop and I can’t get her out of it regardless of how kind and understanding I am about it.

Yes but you're unable to contain your frustration/anger when she's stuck in the loop.
So you're not able to remain compassionate in this situation.

Why can you not be compassionate about how hard it must be for her to be so stuck? Her feelings are genuine, she is genuinely upset.

As I say, you don't have to answer, but were your own parents kind when your emotions were not what they wanted?

howdoinot · 12/09/2026 13:08

I genuinely don’t think the exchange is helpful to either of us @concertinacornflake sorry … I’m not being horrible, I just feel you’re trying to steer the conversation in a very particular way and I agree with @BertieBotts that I’m just not sure it’s helpful. I have memories of my parents being very kind and loving and also memories of not … they weren’t perfect all the time as no one is.

It isn’t very often I get driven to this point with DD and I unfailingly feel awful when I do but I really do find it very stressful … thank you for your posts both @BertieBotts and @WantAnOrange , they really genuinely are very helpful to me. One thing with dd is that she is extremely well behaved at preschool and so I know it’s normal the ‘bad’ behaviour comes out with me but the reality of that can be stressful.

OP posts:
WantAnOrange · 12/09/2026 13:32

I'm glad it's helpful and you have my total empathy. It drives me crackers sometimes and I get to give them back before teatime!

I'm really sensitive to noise as well. I know some people are better at letting it wash over them and it can be really hard to explain why being asked for a drink 8 times a minute is so hard but when you are in it, it is so draining.