Struggling with my three-year-old repeating phrases and pushing me to snapping

[howdoinot]

My three year old has this tendency to repeat the same phrase over and over, working herself up into a complete state with it irrespective of what my reaction is. So for instance if she wants a drink she’ll just keep repeating I want a drink, I want a drink, and will just keep saying it over and over getting increasingly loud and desperate and frantic until I give her a drink.

The problem is that I really struggle with it and eventually it makes me snap and then I lose it, roaring and screaming at her and saying things I don’t mean. We just had it in the car on the way back from somewhere. She dropped something and started screaming for it and I couldn’t do anything about it and twenty minutes on she was still at it and I just broke.

I tried Loop earplugs and they did nothing. It’s awful and it doesn’t happen a lot but I end up feeling terrible and she’s upset and it’s just horrible.

I wouldn't over think this, it's all age appropriate and I have sympathy as I am also in this boat although hopefully coming out the other side. It's honestly so frustrating and so hard not to snap.

Make sure you look after yourself so have capacity to stay calm firstly if you can. Can you make ways to allow her to be more independent such as a water jug with a tap she can help herself to?

Which is why it's really unusual for children to be diagnosed at 3. It's only significant when they're still doing it when the rest of their cohort has moved on.

Comments like this make me rage. Sick of hearing how many kids are autistic and ADHD these days. It’s not a trend, it’s because the world is finally listening. Why are there so many more left handed people these days? Because we used to tie their hands behind their backs and force them to be right handed. They were always there.

Advice already given!

My DS is autistic and it’s not unheard of for him to ask me for something HUNDREDS of times a day. I’ve had to work on myself and my on reactions to the incessant requests. I can’t stop him from asking but I can control how I respond.

I understand that it’s frustrating but I don’t think anybody should be screaming at a three year old under any circumstances.

Our brains haven't evolved since we were cavemen and yet the world we have created and are expected to survive in has become vastly different and more unnatural. Do you honestly refuse to acknowledge that this has had any impact on our ability to cope and our ability to raise our young? I'm not disputing that neurodiversity exists but if multiple people are jumping on a single developmentally appropriate behaviour and labelling it autism then we are failing to address the real problem.

I mean, those of us who are saying our DC did this and it turned out to be a sign of ND are not the ones saying it's definitely ND and she "needs assessment" (um... I am imagining the bemused look on a GP's face if you asked for referral for assessment for this one issue) we are more agreeing/sympathising that it can be unusually intense behaviour. And while many, many children do repeat things to some extent, the exasperation and exhaustion which comes through in OP's post is instantly recognisable and it's just nice to hear someone say yes I know that, I felt that, I was there, rather than someone complaining that you're a useless parent because you "can't cope" with an "ordinary developmental stage".

There is really no need to get all frothed up about people manufacturing autism diagnoses, it's hard enough to get one when you actually need one, don't worry.

@BertieBotts i do appreciate your reply and others and sorry if I sounded dismissive. There’s sometimes a dichotomy between what I want days with my DD to look like and how they are!

This was normal for my child. She did later get a diagnosis.

there are repeat sticking points like drinks, empower her to deal with it herself.

For the car, you have to assume it’s going to be an issue every single time you get in the car and be prepared with an arsenal of distractions. I built play kits that were car only and that were hard to drop.

Honestly, distraction does NOT work - it makes things worse.

I appreciate people are trying to get me to stop her and I don’t think there is anything. What I need is to get myself to a point where I can sensibly ignore it.

I know I wouldn’t be able to listen to my distressed child for half an hour

You would if the alternative was putting you and said child (as well as other drivers) in grave danger!

My 9 year old daughter is autistic and what once started off with her repeating demands over and over impatiently soon escalated into angry violence and verbal abuse.

How about trying to sort of sing along to her chants in your head in a gentle hum so it becomes ‘predictable’ and tricking your psyche into thinking that you’re saying it so you are choosing the behaviour rather than constantly fighting it internally?

So if she’s screaming “I want my gabby clip”
like a banshee, you in your head match her rhythm but in a much lower, more nursery rhyme tone and melody?????

It is absolutely a sign of ND success definitely worth getting it checked out. Fixating and getting stuck are very common in ND children.

Perhaps this is because your expectations are a bit unrealistic and need adjusting?

At 3 DD repeated my name, Mummy, over and over again, often when I was driving. She is now 29, is lovely and has an autism and ADHD diagnosis. It was incredibly irritating but I, mostly, remained calm and it passed. Interesting she never tried this stuff on with Daddy.

Does she go to nursery/preschool?

Yes. She goes to preschool three days a week.

I literally belt out into song and try and talk in a song, i do it that often my kid now sings her question or answers back to me and its so funny and easier to redirect the convo to something which doesnt make you feel so stressed in the situation, one ive recently used is singing "what colour nail polish would a giraffee have on?" And it just turned into a conversation about how I was silly because giraffes dont have fingers then we moved on to a LOT of different animals who could wear nail polish

@Loopywench95 most of the advice I have read is to either empathise ‘you want your hairclip’ or redirect in the way you describe. I don’t think it works with DD as I think she is savvy enough to know what you’re trying to do! I don’t think there’s much you can do once she starts but I need to respond better internally as eventually it does just kind of break me.

Appreciate what youre saying but i do it for my sanity more then hers, cos i find it easier not to break this way hahaha.
If it helps, i think she will go far as an adult so make sure you remind her of these years when its her turn to care for you 😂

Have they commented on her behaviour? Does she do the same for them?

Have you tried naming her feelings 'I can hear how sad and angry you feel, I understand why and I'm hear to listen to you'?

Have you also tried naming your own feelings too 'I am starting to feel sad and angry that I can't fix this right now, but I'm going to do some deep breathing to help me stay calm'?

You need some anger management. ‘Losing it’ and ‘roaring and screaming’ are disproportionate responses to a 3 year old going on about a drink or a dropped item. I get that it’s frustrating but your reaction is way over the top and you are asking for help on how to stop ‘snapping’ at her. The best way to do this is learn to control yourself. The majority of the replies are focused on changing your child, but it’s actually your reaction that needs to change. Her behaviour, while commonly seen in autistic children, is also age appropriate and relatively normal for an impatient 3 year old. I’m sorry OP but I would be seeking help with my emotions if I were in your position, not hers.