Struggling with my three-year-old repeating phrases and pushing me to snapping

[howdoinot]

My three year old has this tendency to repeat the same phrase over and over, working herself up into a complete state with it irrespective of what my reaction is. So for instance if she wants a drink she’ll just keep repeating I want a drink, I want a drink, and will just keep saying it over and over getting increasingly loud and desperate and frantic until I give her a drink.

The problem is that I really struggle with it and eventually it makes me snap and then I lose it, roaring and screaming at her and saying things I don’t mean. We just had it in the car on the way back from somewhere. She dropped something and started screaming for it and I couldn’t do anything about it and twenty minutes on she was still at it and I just broke.

I tried Loop earplugs and they did nothing. It’s awful and it doesn’t happen a lot but I end up feeling terrible and she’s upset and it’s just horrible.

You would stop the car to pick up a hair clip? What happens when she drops it again five seconds later?

My ADHD son does this but with songs. He will repeat the same line of a song over and over and often he’s got the words wrong which irritates my autistic need to be correct x_x

This is a fantastic comment with great resources recommended!

understanding the underlying deregulation and working on how to avoid that where possible is the key.

i struggled at times with my son around this age, especially when I was tired or whatever myself. I think it’s easy to think of a 3 year old as much more mature than they are, once they are walking/talking/doing more for themselves but really they are still babies on many ways, you still have to keep an eye on scheduling of drinking/eating/sleeping so they don’t get over tired etc

Why could you not stop for half an hour - were you on a motorway? If I had your issue with losing temper I would try to resolve things where I could.

You need urgent help for your emotional regulation. What you describe is not healthy and will potentially have a lasting impact. Breathing exercises can help, as well as talking to someone to get to the root cause of your anger.

If you mean autism, say autism.

I agree that narration and chatting progress can help children understand the process of having to wait for something, but it is also a good way to regulate your own emotions because it forces focus to the verbal part of your brain and stops the focus on the anger and anxiety responses.

You can even talk her through a calming routine (e.g naming aloud 5 things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste or similar) as she will then be exposed to ways to keep her cool when she's feeling overwhelmed.

Perfectly normal behavior for all kids... Although more in some. They get stuck on something and the emotion just keeps rising.

For my son the trick was to catch it early. If you can recognize when the cycle is about to begin, if you can quickly intervene before the emotion has got to a certain point and their brain has switched off.. you can usually stop it.

That doesn't mean giving them what they want. Often a distraction is enough... Quickly getting them to focus on something else, before the cycle builds can work well.

I wanted to comment as this is something I struggled with too, and that dc is ND and as it turns out, I am too! We had the repetitive meltdowns in the car which would massively trigger me as I felt helpless as it doesn’t feel safe to be driving when I’m internally having a huge fight or flight response to the overstimulation. I’m also very noise sensitive so it’s just generally a big trigger and I agree the loops don’t help much!

I can share that once we started getting support in place for dc (and they grew up a bit) it did help loads and they barely do it anymore but they are older than your dc. But I’d first look in to whether your dc has any potential ND, are there any other behaviours that could be in line with it? A lot of it is managing their expectations so I always had to really take the time before going anywhere preempting any possible situation that could cause a meltdown (it was very exhausting for me to do this but it helped massively). So I’d speak to them before getting in the car when they are calm. ‘If you drop your toy, I won’t be able to get it until I stop the car as it’s not safe. Understand? If you get thirsty whilst the car is moving, you will need to wait until we get there. Understand?’ I felt like if they had a very clear and concise expectation before leaving then once dc started it up he would stop himself quickly as he would remember. But like I said, it has largely improved and I hope it improves for you soon too. I think age 3 was the hardest for us too.

With my other dc, during meltdowns (likely NT), the thing that would stop them is if I really really validate their feelings like to point of love bombing, and repeating what they’re saying back to them ‘oh you really want that toy! You really really want that toy! Mama will pick it up when she stops the car. Oh dear you are sad because you want that toy’. That type of thing and they’d peter off their tantrum as they felt I really understood their feelings. Or also a method that works well for them is distraction. ‘Oh my look out the window!! Do you see the plane?!?’ And they’d peer out and forget the tantrum lol. Kids are exhausting!!! But it does improve as time goes on. Good luck OP.

Same with my DC who was diagnosed autistic at age 4.

He could not wait for anything, could not even wait for a response to his demand, could not be reasoned with, could not take in anything anyone was trying to communicate to him. Just kept screaming the same thing over and over.

Dropping things on the floor in the car was the WORST. I got to the point that I treated that as an emergency & pulled over as soon as it was safe, to pick up whatever he’d dropped as otherwise it could escalate very quickly to his forcefully hurling at my head any object he could reach (toys, water bottles) while I was driving.

He’s 10 now, and while he doesn't scream, he does still sometimes ask the same question over and over and over without waiting for a response. Mainly when he’s anxious or overwhelmed.

Much sympathy to you, OP - it is hard. And everyone will be quick to tell you it’s your poor parenting, because their NT kids would never dream of behaving this way after a good talking to and some consequences 🙄. Ignore them, they have not experienced this.

You and your DD may both be autistic. This would explain her repetition and your difficulty self-regulating in the face of it.

My 4yo is like this, although it has eased off somewhat more recently.
If we are in the car and she drops something or wants me to take her drink, a tissue etc from her because she is done with it, she can't comprehend that it can't happen NOW.
It can be so frustrating and triggering having someone not listen and repeat the same moan again and again (grinds my gears too) but I think this is a normal stage of development for her age, and should ease/pass in time.

My eldest is ND however I actually don't remember her being anything like as whingey as younger DD about things (although maybe i am more stressy and take longer to respond now having more kids!)

I think some children are just more impatient/highly strung/angsty than others.

I would recommend setting goalposts she can understand, eg; rather than 'in a minute' 'in a little while" etc make it clearer exactly how long it will take until her need is met, in a way she will understand.For example when my little one keeps saying 'are we nearly there yet' 'how much longer' etc, as i know she doesn't understand time and 'not long' doesn't cut it, i talk about it in length of TV programmes, eg; 'one more bluey episode' which seems to help.

No advice but solidarity here. I have a 9yo still doing all this stuff. He is in P5 now and it's tough still. He's awaiting a CAMHS assessment for autism though.

Thanks for replies.

i understand it can be trait of autism but i don’t think it is that she is autistic, bearing in mind she is only just three. I will keep an eye but I am not jumping to any conclusions . I think I find it hard as unless I’m doing what she wants (getting the hair clip or whatever it is) anything escalates the situation so talking to her and trying to reassure her doesn’t work and makes it worse.

As for why I didn’t pull over - I was on a carriageway. It isn’t always possible or safe to immediately pull over. I do give her things like drinks etc but sometimes as we all know that can be wrong - we had one of these episodes a couple of weeks ago where I’d brought the wrong water bottle and she just kept screaming I want the blue one, I want blue, I want blue, I want blue mummy, I want blue. I feel so helpless and upset as there just seems to be no way to help her!

I used to put Classic FM on as loudly as tolerable and tough it out (commute from nursery to home on the way back from work - she was also a seat belt Houdini which I'd normally have to stop for at least once).

Classic FM is so cheerful!

She used to do it when cheerful too if a phrase caught her fancy.

We had a whole day of "ergic action!" (allergic reaction) and another of "ardo inchi"! (Leonardo da Vinci).

She does at 13 have a very good ear for music...

You could try joining in before trying to explain, matching tone. Oh no! You've dropped your toy and you can't reach it oh no! You need it! And mummy's driving and can't stop yet.

If that remotely works, then you could go into humour, I wish I had super stretchy long arms so I could reach! It's hard to wait!

This, there has to have been a place to pull over?
She can’t help being fixated. She needs a ND assessment.

I would keep neurodiversity on your radar, although as you say she is very young still. The need for sameness- the colour of water bottle for instance is a bit of a red flag and the echolalia (repeating phrases) + what sounds like an extreme reaction to issues (self-regulation). Does she go to nursery? Is there any neurodiversity in the wider family?

Loved @BertieBotts advice as always and that approach can really help. One thing I’d add is if you’re talking to her or reassuring or explaining things this can work best if you do it very early in the sequence…when she’s just dropped the clip, for example. Catch things early if possible, or set things up so things are less likely to go wrong (there will always be something I know).

Remember, however, that if she has escalated to a point where she is frantic then she is no longer ‘hearing’ you. A child (or adult!) can’t process what’s being said to them when they’re hysterical, so calming reassurance is the best you can do at that point in the car. Breathing with her. Explanations and any reasoning have to wait until she’s calmed down and then have a chat with her. Connection and calming need to come first if and when she loses control.

If you have decided in advance how to handle things it will hopefully help you feel less stressed yourself. Very difficult in a car situation I know.

Hi, I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating something somebody else has said. My DD does this and has done since she's been able to talk really (now 5). We've found the best response is to repeat it back to her when she says it so that she knows we've heard her (if it is something she's requesting)

E.g.
DD: "I want a drink, I want a drink..."
Me: " You want a drink, I will get you a drink after I've changed baby brother"
DD: "I want drink Mummy, I want a drink"
Me: "You want a drink, I will get you a drink"

Repeat as needed.

It doesn't always stop her saying it but sometimes she will just mutter or whisper it under her breath until I do what she's asked rather than shouting at me. 3 years in from when she started doing that her repetitive phrases are usually related to films or what she's heard someone else say now. I just ignore those as they don't stress me as much as when she's asking me to do something.

Hope this helps, I know how overwhelming it can be!

are you saying "yes, you may have some milk. I'll get it for you as soon as Ive washed my hands (or whatever) and continuing to respond?

our brains learn by repetition.

you cope by reframing - my daughter is learning to speak and experimenting with expressing herself. She is not doing it to irritate me.

Agree with literally repeating what they say back to them can really help de-escalating. I know it seems obvious that ‘yes we’ll get it when we stop’ is you acknowledging the issue - but to some kids it’s not enough.

”You want to get your Gabby clip. I will get it when we stop’

She’s 3 and it can be completely normal doesn’t necessarily mean neurodiverse. Thing is she always does get what she’s asking for in loop, so kinda annoyingly work in her eyes. My daughter was doing this and it wasn’t easy but i would not give her what she was asking in loop till she didn’t ask continuously. Shes much better at it. She did this today in the shop, over and over hasn’t done it for a while and she didn’t get what she wanted until she calmed down and was ready to listen. Then said, if you are quiet and stop asking till we walk to the shop doors to outside I will give it to you. And she did. At this age they push boundaries and if it usually works they will keep on doing it.

I hear you, I feel for you and quite often I can be seen rocking in a corner somewhere haha but I just have to switch off. And when distracting doesn’t work for her I distract myself while the moaning stops. I also when she gets in a state always say, ‘are you ready for a cuddle’ sometimes she says no lol so she can continue but she will end up saying yes.

Oh for FFS this is a normal developmental stage for a 3 year old to go through. By itself it doesn't mean she is ND. Just tell her that you heard what she said then ignore it if she carries on. If it turns into a tantrum then talk that through with her after she's calmed down and explain more helpful ways to communicate. She's 3! If she doesn't have at least some annoying habits then she isn't really 3'ing right....

Has it ever been considered that one of the reasons that asd and adhd diagnosis is skyrocketing is because parents have become completely unable to tolerate normal developmental behaviour. As a result children aren't able to move through these developmental stages and grow out of them. They need patience, understanding and guidance through these phases not a lifelong diagnosis and not pacifying with technology