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Husband leaving again after daughter's death and I cannot cope

62 replies

Newnamenewname26 · 29/08/2026 16:21

I don’t know how to carry on . I do not have any family as my dad was an abusive alcoholic , so I left at 18 and did not go back.
I married young and had dd . When she was 6 I discovered he was having an affair . He drew out leaving and it was so hard mentally . He eventually came back and suggested we moved to another part of the country. We could not sell our house so he stayed both a couple of months.
There was a time he moved away weekdays , he said for work , but now I don’t know . He moves back.
Ds is then born . I am happy . After 3 years , Dd 19, tells me her dad is having an affair. He admits it . It is the same woman as in our old area. He called her because of he felt like it out of the blue , he says .
He moves out . Covid comes . Dd 19 dies by suicide . I am broken . He comes back .
Today , 6 years later , and a week before Ds s birthday he tells me he will be moving out in 2 weeks. He wants a more active life . He is unhappy and stressed with the house . Wants to spend more time in a near by city with friends .
i am hollow , I am blank ,my head is fuzzy . I can’t do this again . I can’t go on . I am crying so much because I love my son , but I really can’t . I am selfish and hate myself .
No one can help me , so I don’t know why I am writing . I just want human contact . I am so sorry .

OP posts:
ThatBreezyScroller · 29/08/2026 17:57

Newnamenewname26 · 29/08/2026 17:40

Thank you everyone for your kind messages . I am crying in the bedroom and he is watching tv . I really can’t think . My thoughts are fuzzy and dizzy . I want to go away forever , but I want one more fmday with my son . He will hear if I talk to the Samaritans . He will hide my car keys again .

Go for a walk.
Not only will the exercise and fresh air help but if you need to make a call to someone then you can.
If not, just the time away from home can help.

Why did he hide your car keys?
Are you not safe to drive right now?

Ahwig · 29/08/2026 18:19

My best friend since school cut off all of her friends when her son died suddenly at the age of 17. I did try to keep in touch but it was obviously something she didn’t want or couldn’t cope with, seeing her friends go on with their lives with their children and later on grandchildren.
That was 18 years ago but if she reached out to me now, I’d be there in an instant
. Try those friends who you shut out, hopefully they still care about you and will be there for you.

HarpieDuJour · 29/08/2026 18:19

I think there is an email service from the samaritans too.

ChristophersRobins · 29/08/2026 18:29

You said you want one more day with your son.

He needs lots more days with you. Thousands. He needs you.

You can also email or text the Samaritans. I have done a lot of times because I'm not in a position to phone without being heard either. Keep talking to people.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

BCBird · 29/08/2026 18:42

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 29/08/2026 16:34

Could you reach out to one of the old friends that you lost touch with after dd's death? I would 100% want to help in that scenario, regardless of whether you had chosen not to speak to me in ages.

I cannot imagine your pain. I know when my partner died by suicide nearly 6 years ago it was horrendous. I have never experienced pain like it. We had been together a short time: 2 and a half years. I cannot imagine how his parents felt. I too had some friends who cut contact because they didn't know what to say. The trauma of your loss and this behaviour from your husband is a great deal to have to cope with
please access some support, e.g.through ur doctor. If we are physically ill we get medical support. You need support. Your husband is behaving despicably. He cannot blame his infidelity on grief, because u have said he did it before. You deserve a better life experience than u have now. Splitting from him will remove some distress eventually. Big hug to u OP

idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 29/08/2026 19:12

HarpieDuJour · 29/08/2026 17:32

When I lost my daughter, I was given some very good advice. I don't know if it will help you, but I hope so.

First, you can't recover straight away, and you shouldn't try. You will be happy again, but it will take time and improvements will be in small steps rather than giant leaps. If you can, stop trying, and let the healing come little-by-little. Focus on smaller, achievable things.

Set yourself small goals. Make a plan for the next day, in the simplest way possible. I had things like get dressed, leave the house once, make meal for kids and wash my hair. Every time I managed to tick off my list, I felt a tiny sense of achievement, which was better than the hopelessness and despair, and as time went on I added more things. I started a routine of going for short walks with my kids every day. I find it hard to feel miserable while I'm walking, even if it doesn't make me actively happy.

Is there a small thing which can be tricky, but you have the knack of? For me, it was making fruit cakes without the fruit sinking. I took the extra cakes (I made a LOT of cakes!) to neighbours and that gave me a safe, easy way to have some sort of social contact. I also went to church even when i couldn't pray, because I was surrounded by people without having to talk much to any of them.

Lastly, please try not to be too hard on yourself. After the terrible loss of your daughter, it sounds like you came to rely on your marriage for safety, stability and comfort., and now you are losing that. It probably feels like another bereavement, and that's totall understandable.

There is hope and I hope you find a way through. It took me at least 2 years before I felt anything like my normal self again, and I'm still inclined to isolate myself when I'm under stress,but life is so much better now. Keep posting here, I found it easier to type than talk, and it allowed me to get things off my chest without dumping all my emotional load on my family.

@HarpieDuJour I am very sorry you lost your daughter, but thank you so much for sharing this beautiful post, which I am sure will help many people in all kinds of awful situations that feel utterly desperate 💐. It is wonderful advice.

FortnamsTea · 29/08/2026 19:13

Newnamenewname26 · 29/08/2026 17:07

He is still here . He says he will be here for 2 weeks . He says if I cry he will leave now and not be in contact for a long time . He needs to be here for my son , because I honestly can’t do this all again . I have tried and tried but Ds and his dad are close so they will be ok . I can’t even imagine how to move on , how to go to work , how to be .

I'm so veey sorry. Your 'husband' is deeply cruel.
Try to put him out of your mind if you can. He is a very poor parent to your son. Your son needs you so badly.
Your life is precious. Please reach out, to Samaritans, GP, specialist grief charities, old friends - any & all of the above. Your son lost his sister, & his Dad is awful. He NEEDS you so much. One day, 1 hour, 5 mins at a time. One foot in front of another. You are such a strong person xxx

BellaVita · 29/08/2026 19:48

From one bereaved mum to another…sending all my love and strength to you.

It’s hard when someone asks how many children you have. I always tell the truth and say 2, but I judge the situation as to whether I tell them that DS1 (28) passed away 14 months ago.

We are all here for you xx

Lifeonapigfarm · 29/08/2026 21:13

Hello, I'm so sorry for your pain. I've been through some similar stuff. Like many people here, I get it.

I know how it feels for friends to disappear.

I agree with the suggestion about the Samaritans. They have helped me through some very dark days.

Please, please keep going. I have an idea just how tough everything is right now. It will get easier. I promise. It's gonna take time but things can improve. You are so strong and brave. You truly are.

I would recommend - Samaritans - especially for middle of the night pain- find a caring church. You don't need to believe. You might just find yourself surrounded in a community who can help you keep going.

Maybe try writing a diary or a journal. Maybe your words will help someone else survive in the future.

What area are you in? Understand if you don't want to say.

MinusOffer · 29/08/2026 21:32

Hi @Newnamenewname26

I’m so very sorry about your daughter.

That’s the very worst thing that could happen in your life. And you survived it. It’s been hard, but you survived. You’ll survive this too.

You say you have nobody, but you have your son and he needs you. Please contact the Samaritans. If you’re afraid of being overheard, you can email [email protected]
They’ll listen and help.

SewYellowLikeButter · 29/08/2026 21:33

You have to remember that it’s not the same scenario. Your son isn’t going to die because your husband leaves. That’s not what’s happening.

I fear you’re actually going through another grieving process for your daughter that was incomplete because H returned to support you. Now he’s leaving again you’re taking up that grief again and fearing for your son as you’re worried about a repeat pattern.

I think you should speak to your GP and sign up for some talking therapy. Perhaps seek out a bereavement group.

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