Husband leaving again after daughter's death and I cannot cope

[Newnamenewname26]

I don’t know how to carry on . I do not have any family as my dad was an abusive alcoholic , so I left at 18 and did not go back.
I married young and had dd . When she was 6 I discovered he was having an affair . He drew out leaving and it was so hard mentally . He eventually came back and suggested we moved to another part of the country. We could not sell our house so he stayed both a couple of months.
There was a time he moved away weekdays , he said for work , but now I don’t know . He moves back.
Ds is then born . I am happy . After 3 years , Dd 19, tells me her dad is having an affair. He admits it . It is the same woman as in our old area. He called her because of he felt like it out of the blue , he says .
He moves out . Covid comes . Dd 19 dies by suicide . I am broken . He comes back .
Today , 6 years later , and a week before Ds s birthday he tells me he will be moving out in 2 weeks. He wants a more active life . He is unhappy and stressed with the house . Wants to spend more time in a near by city with friends .
i am hollow , I am blank ,my head is fuzzy . I can’t do this again . I can’t go on . I am crying so much because I love my son , but I really can’t . I am selfish and hate myself .
No one can help me , so I don’t know why I am writing . I just want human contact . I am so sorry .

He is still here . He says he will be here for 2 weeks . He says if I cry he will leave now and not be in contact for a long time . He needs to be here for my son , because I honestly can’t do this all again . I have tried and tried but Ds and his dad are close so they will be ok . I can’t even imagine how to move on , how to go to work , how to be .

I’m really sorry to hear about your DD. Please reach out to the Samaritans x

My goodness, you’ve been through too much. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I can imagine how much you miss your DD.

if I were one if your historic friends in this situation, I’d be round to yours with a hug and a listening ear immediately, no matter how much time and distance there’d been.

please call one of your former friends. Or send a message to a few.

and reach out to Samaritans. They are wonderful for listening and getting you through the next little while.

I am so sorry about your DD. I lost a friend to suicide and it broke me so I cannot imagine losing my child.

You do need to talk to someone. The bereavement charities mentioned above will likely understand more about DDs death than Samaritans, but they're there for an emergency. Your DS needs you. You are his whole world ❤️

Sending lots of love and hugs x

He’s horrible and I would tell him to leave now. Take control of this because it’s time you finally stop being bullied.

I’m sorry but he doesn’t care about your son if he says he “won’t be in contact for a long time” if you cry.

he doesn’t get to shit on your world and then tell you how you can and can’t react.

Find your anger.

I bet your daughter would tell you thr same thing. Do it for her if not for you. Stand up to this worthless piece of shit. And show your son we do not tolerate abusers.

Id tell him “you need to leave now. I hope you stay in contact regarding your son for your son’s sake, it would be sad if he realised what a bastard you are. But it’s ultimately up to you. Pack your bags and fuck off”.

Honey you do NOT need this scumball around. He’s only staying two weeks more because he’s waiting for something to click with the other woman. Eg, a tenancy with her to begin. And yes, there is another woman this time too, make no mistake.

You are incredibly strong op. You can do this. Time to stop him dictating any more of your life.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP 😔
I'm sorry for your loss of your DD 💔

Please contact your GP
as well the samaritans
A bereavement service
Church group if that helps you ✝️

Please reach out to people IRL whether it be:
Old friends
Old work mates
Old family members like a cousin or aunt etc. 🙏

Are you in touch with any of your daughters Old pals from school/uni/work/fave hobby at all?

Please don't do this alone. 🫂

As for the husband, I would not let him move back in.
I would get your self sorted with the GP and your support network. Look after yourself first and your DS. 💯

Then get your ducks in a row and think long term if you want to remain in that house /area for your son, or if it would be better to sell up and move back to your old town (if you gave friends or support there maybe?
Husband is not in your camp. 😠

He may be linked to you via your children, but you do not have to remain married to a man who does not prioritise you

Please look after yourself and post on here if it helps you OP @Newnamenewname26

Sending hugs 💐

There are so many people irl who would want to help and support you, you just need to reach out. Perhaps start with Samaritans. You are not alone. We are all here to listen. It will get better just one day at a time.

This 💯.

I am so sorry for what you are going through op. A previous friend, an acquaintance, the Samaritans. And keep talking here too.

This ☝️
Find your anger.

Your dad was an abusive alcoholic and this husband sounds like another abusive prick.

He's scum.
Find your anger.
Find your balls and tell him yo fuck off back to the other woman.

No one, I repeat NO ONE gets to say you cannot cry.
Heartless bastard he is. @Newnamenewname26

Please contact the old friends i promise they will want to hear from you.

I agree with all the other posters who have suggested phoning the samaritans or a berievement charity. It is good you have reached out on here. I also agree that if you felt able to reach out to old friends or any parents of ds friends thats a good call too.
I am very sorry your daughter died and that yoir 'partner' is such a cruel man. You will be better off without him and you are not respomsible for his relationship with ds, he is so dont let him hold that above your head.

OP
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Have you joined a support group? My sister did after her child died in similar circumstances and found it so helpful.

When my friend lost her 19 year old son to suicide in 2020 she said she couldn't have got through it without MIND. Please ring them or a similar group, everyone of us on here is begging you to.

Really sorry for your terrible loss. You poor thing.

With regard to your partner.. let him go. Find the resolve to accept it. Compared to what you’ve been through, him leaving is nothing in comparison to the agony you’ve suffered and suffer.
Let him go. It actually sounds like it will be good for you. You will be in charge of your own life and new opportunities will open up for you. A fresh start is not a bad thing.

Can you reach out to DD's best friends?
Tell them you mis DD and ask how they are. Ask them for tea and talk about the things you loved about DD.
Volunteer as a helper in your local gardens.
Seek counselling for how to function while very sad.

When I lost my daughter, I was given some very good advice. I don't know if it will help you, but I hope so.

First, you can't recover straight away, and you shouldn't try. You will be happy again, but it will take time and improvements will be in small steps rather than giant leaps. If you can, stop trying, and let the healing come little-by-little. Focus on smaller, achievable things.

Set yourself small goals. Make a plan for the next day, in the simplest way possible. I had things like get dressed, leave the house once, make meal for kids and wash my hair. Every time I managed to tick off my list, I felt a tiny sense of achievement, which was better than the hopelessness and despair, and as time went on I added more things. I started a routine of going for short walks with my kids every day. I find it hard to feel miserable while I'm walking, even if it doesn't make me actively happy.

Is there a small thing which can be tricky, but you have the knack of? For me, it was making fruit cakes without the fruit sinking. I took the extra cakes (I made a LOT of cakes!) to neighbours and that gave me a safe, easy way to have some sort of social contact. I also went to church even when i couldn't pray, because I was surrounded by people without having to talk much to any of them.

Lastly, please try not to be too hard on yourself. After the terrible loss of your daughter, it sounds like you came to rely on your marriage for safety, stability and comfort., and now you are losing that. It probably feels like another bereavement, and that's totall understandable.

There is hope and I hope you find a way through. It took me at least 2 years before I felt anything like my normal self again, and I'm still inclined to isolate myself when I'm under stress,but life is so much better now. Keep posting here, I found it easier to type than talk, and it allowed me to get things off my chest without dumping all my emotional load on my family.

When people ask how many children you have, you can say, proudly, I have two. If you want, you can add something like.. but I lost my daughter X years ago, and prefer not to talk about it. You have been through, and are still in the middle of hideous times, none of it of your making, be kind to yourself, take small steps, and believe that there is an army of us on here wishing we could give you a hug. If you can make a small step, as suggested by other pp, we will still be here for you if you need to come back. Sending love and best wishes.

@Newnamenewname26 , I’m so sorry you are in such pain. You need help.

If you aren’t able to keep yourself safe then it’s time to call 111 or even 999 for assistance.

I volunteer with Samaritans and would strongly urge you to reach out and call them. They can offer support as much as you need during a period of crisis.

Your partner has made a choice to leave and accepting that is his right will be extremely difficult but there is a future for you and your son. Posting here has been the first step in reaching out for help, keep posting if it helps but please consider contacting one or all of the organisations already recommended.

Please take care of yourself.💐

So sorry for all that you've been through @Newnamenewname26
As others have said try talking to The Samaritans, they really are kind and will listen. Also i think you need to ask your GP for help urgently.

Your husband, telling you not to cry and using continuing/stopping contact with your son as leverage is really unkind. Are you sure he should stay for another two weeks? it seems like he's making things worse

You can survive this and still have a happy life with your DS. Don't look too far ahead, just look at One step at a time.

@Newnamenewname26im so very sorry, I have asked Mumsnet to provide some links on here for you to help you get some support. As other PPs have said the Samaritans is a very good place to start.

Btw I guarantee you it will be easier without this sack of shit guy in your life. It’ll be hard for a little while, but down the line you will find it’s much …freer. That you can actually breathe easier without him around.

If you don’t feel strong enough to tell him to leave (and really I hope you find that strength at some point before his fortnight deadline because he doesn’t deserve to get to leave on his own terms after the way he’s behaved) then could you go to a hotel for a few days to give yourself some peace to think?

How is the money situation?

If you have joint accounts please make sure to put your half in an account of your own immediately. Like ASAP. Becuase men like him often drain bank accounts when they leave.

Be aware he might decide he isn’t actually leaving. This could be an abuser ploy to make you put up and shut up with whatever bullshit he intends to pull going forwards. Either way it’s horrible and I hope you find the strength to show him the door either way.

Thank you everyone for your kind messages . I am crying in the bedroom and he is watching tv . I really can’t think . My thoughts are fuzzy and dizzy . I want to go away forever , but I want one more fmday with my son . He will hear if I talk to the Samaritans . He will hide my car keys again .

Why is he hiding your car keys. If he is trying to stop you leaving then call the police.

Unless he is trying to keep you safe of course. It’s probably not wise to drive atm.

You have every right to talk to the Samaritans and if he is stopping you getting help then he needs to go. If you feel unsafe around him please call the police.

Wish we could all come give you a big hug now op. Know that we are all with you. Please be kind to yourself for your little boy. Think of how sad losing another family member would make him. He’d lose his dad too (not that that’s a huge loss) becuase he’d grow up to blame him for your passing.

I know it’s hard but I promise you, take it one day at a time, you can get through this. And we will be here when and if you need to talk.

Hi Newnamenewname26,

We're so sorry you're going through such an incredibly difficult time.

We can see that you're getting some good advice and support here on your thread but we thought it important to signpost you to a few places where you can get support in real life as well.

Here's a link to our general Mental Health webguide which lists lots of organisations which can provide some real life support.

If you're feeling really low, please call the Samaritans on 116 123. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

If you find texting easier, please take a look at Shout's website. Shout 85258 is a free, confidential, anonymous text support service. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support you to get to a calmer and safe place.

Here, too is a link to Mind's website - they have lots of resources to help people who have been bereaved due to suicide - https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/bereavement-by-suicide/

Please keep talking here on your thread - as you can see, you have lots of support from other Mumsnetters.