Husband hid debt and job loss don’t know what to do

[Plummytree]

I moved to another country 2 years ago with dh. He has massively lied to me.
When we first got to this country I found out he’s taking out loads of debt and he was working to pay that down.

I’ve now just found out he’s lost his job two months ago but lied about that too. I’m so angry. I’m not allowed to work in this country. I don’t know what to do. He was getting up and going into his office to fake having a job.

can anyone give me any advice. I haven’t worked for years because we kept moving around his job and I begged him to settle down so I could work. Dc has been to a few schools too. When I did work he’d take all my pay and waste it though.
This is the third time in our 15 year marriage he’s been made redundant. Luckily he’s been paid £30k redundancy and we have £200k in the bank from selling our house in the uk. I’ve transferred that all to my bank now. He’s spent all other savings and still has debt.

we were in the U.K. last week and he deliberately hid losing his job because he knew I wouldn’t come back with him if I knew. Now I’m back abroad with dc starting a new school next week with fees already paid. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to hold it together. I have no family or friends. I had to run away from serious domestic abuse from my family when I got married and cut everyone off so they couldn’t find me. That’s why I’m still with dh. I have noone else.

I have no rights in this country. I would have to get a flight back to the uk. My dc 13 would want to come with me but I don’t know how to sort everything out. Dh has deliberately left everything as difficult as possible for me to walk away.

I would still leave. You have the money in the bank to
get yourself back to the UK and start renting somewhere.
I don’t know if the money is all ‘yours’ but surely you are entitled to enough to get yourself back to the country you want to be in. It’s got to be better to get back and rebuild your life in the UK than staying where you are and being stuck like you are now.

Thanks @Elfie23 i don’t even know if I can rent without a job? I don’t have any current address to use either. I don’t know where to turn to at all. I don’t want to make dc be in a worse position. I would already be on a flight otherwise.

Come back to the UK. Things when you are in your own country where the laws will protect you.

You can contact women's aid when you get here or even on your way and you can go to a shelter.

Try and research which counties are best for giving housing and move to one of those.

You have money so you should be okay but remember that half of that money will be legally his so only spend your half.

I would also get some proper legal advice around all of this but your first step is to get yourself back to the UK.

Get yourself and your child back to the UK.
Rent an AirB&B for the first month.
Start hunting for jobs now. Give a relative’s address if you can.
Make an appointment with CAB and DWP.
Get competent legal advice re. filing for divorce.
Keep his share of the property sale proceeds in a separate account.
And breathe…

This isn’t that complicated, you have no ties to the uk in tens of area etc so comiing back to the uk is way easy. You have enough money to potentially buy a house outright in the northwest AND be able to buy furniture and still leave your husband with some money to live on.

I would say whatever was required to get you both back to this country and then work it out when you get here. Your husband is a desperate pathological liar and that can end up being dangerous.

This
Move back to the Uk and buy a flat or small house and give your child stability

OP might be stopped at airport or charged with abduction if she’s in a country covered by The Hague Convention.

Where are you OP?

As above, will your husband let you come back to the UK with your children?

Is the country a signatory to the Hague Convention?

If you have to stay, is your husband on a visa? If so, what are the implications of losing his job for his visa? Is he allowed to look for another one? How long would he have to find a job before his visa becomes invalid?

The longer you stay the more of that getaway fund will drain away until you really are screwed. Get your kid home and present to the council as homeless, they’ll give you temp accommodation that will give you time to find your feet. This man is a liability!

She can’t just take her kid back to the uk without dh’s permission it’s kidnapping under The Hague convention.
op you need a lawyer

Which country? Then people can help.

you can book an air bnb to live in at first and then register for a school when you get there or register as homeless with council

Very true , although she has stolen his half of the moneyn

You could also go on spare room and look at live in landlords renting a couple of rooms out

This is financial abuse and control.

Ring the British Consulate for assistance- you absolutely need to return safely to UK

Do you mean leave without dc? I don’t think people would let rooms to me and a teenager?

I’m worried about ‘stealing’ the money and also I am scared. Too scared to purchase a property rn. I don’t have a job. Obviously I will look asap when I’m back.

Air BnB sounds a good idea, can I put dc in school if living in one? I don’t have any ID other than my passport. Will that be ok? I won’t even have a bank account. Can I set one up without a U.K. address, I still have one linked to an old address but not sure if I can carry on using it.

I can see dh wanting to lie and ‘show’ to the world everything’s fine resulting in him not fighting me so I want to take advantage of that.

What country is this why are you not allowed to work in it and what’s your husbands plan? Presumably there was no barrier for him to work. Why do you not have any family or friends if you have connection to uk your kids presumably went to uk school therefore didn’t you mix with other parents when they attended those.

@Projectprincesschaos there is a British high commission here.
Not sure how that works, this country has no laws against financial abuse. Could they help me get a flight back maybe without dh stopping dc coming? That’s my biggest fear. Losing dc. And the only reason I’m still here.

Can you contact the UK embassy where you are? They should be able to help you and your child to safely get out of this situation. You need expert support, not just advice on mumsnet. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and good luck.

Get back to the UK, soon. I rented when I wasn’t working and paid 12 months rent up front. Make sure you do it through an agent though. Good luck.

OP, the High Commission wouldn't be able to help you take your DC out of the country without your husband's permission if the country you live in is a signatory to the Hague Convention.

This link gives you a list of those countries that are signatories. Is the country you live in on the list?
https://www.hcch.net/en/states/hcch-members

What country is it? Is it covered by Hague Convention?

Also, to repeat my question about visas... Is your husband on a visa and if so, does it depend on his employment status?

Idk what country you’re in but usually you can’t even sign them up to school without dh’s permission.
your first job is to get a bank account, your second is to speak to a lawyer. Or lawyer first if bank account isn’t possible. It needs to be in your country where you are now. You can’t get one in Uk if you’re not living there.

Your next job is to make contact with dv charities near you just in case.
if you took the money from a joint account it’s not stealing but could go into marital disputes.
at least contact the embassy. They will give you a caseworker if nothing else
please keep reaching out but be aware this isn’t the specialist support you need

@Chersfrozenface yes he’s on a visa. He has other income other than this employed job so will be fine for his visa. He lost one of his jobs. But that was the main one covering all of our expenses. We are broke now especially when he only took the extra income on to pay off his debt. I don’t want to out myself as to the country because it’s a small ex pat community here but it’s not a Hague convention country.

I also don’t want dh potentially seeing this online and I’d most likely be the only person with such an idiot as a dh in this community. hence the 30 days only post too.

I have no rights here. everything for me is linked to dh visa. No solicitor will help me here they will tell me to go home it’s that kind of place. I’m thinking by the looks of things my best shot is say to go back to the U.K. for a ‘holiday’ in October half term and refuse to return.