Husband hid debt and job loss don’t know what to do

[Plummytree]

I moved to another country 2 years ago with dh. He has massively lied to me.
When we first got to this country I found out he’s taking out loads of debt and he was working to pay that down.

I’ve now just found out he’s lost his job two months ago but lied about that too. I’m so angry. I’m not allowed to work in this country. I don’t know what to do. He was getting up and going into his office to fake having a job.

can anyone give me any advice. I haven’t worked for years because we kept moving around his job and I begged him to settle down so I could work. Dc has been to a few schools too. When I did work he’d take all my pay and waste it though.
This is the third time in our 15 year marriage he’s been made redundant. Luckily he’s been paid £30k redundancy and we have £200k in the bank from selling our house in the uk. I’ve transferred that all to my bank now. He’s spent all other savings and still has debt.

we were in the U.K. last week and he deliberately hid losing his job because he knew I wouldn’t come back with him if I knew. Now I’m back abroad with dc starting a new school next week with fees already paid. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to hold it together. I have no family or friends. I had to run away from serious domestic abuse from my family when I got married and cut everyone off so they couldn’t find me. That’s why I’m still with dh. I have noone else.

I have no rights in this country. I would have to get a flight back to the uk. My dc 13 would want to come with me but I don’t know how to sort everything out. Dh has deliberately left everything as difficult as possible for me to walk away.

Come home. Just come home.

Are you in dubai?

Do you have parents or family? Just get back here and go from there xx

@TheSandgroper hes seriously sticking his head in the sand. He’s acting like it’s all going to be ok. But he lost his job in July and it’s September and no job yet to recover the income.

@whynotwhatknot I was once stopped at Heathrow returning from an eu country albeit when dc was 6 asking if I had permission to travel. If I go back with dc now and they’re old enough to speak for themselves as well will this be ok if it’s not from a HC country? I’m worried having been stopped before on return at Heathrow. I had dh permission when I was stopped and he was picking me up but it worries me. I have nothing against my name in any way in case that makes any difference.

@MadinMarch i thought that was the case having read that elsewhere. I’m worried I’ll end up in real trouble returning in the situation I am in. I don’t know if I can register dc at school or anything else without an address. I’ve never claimed benefits, not lived long anywhere except my hometown which I don’t want to return to my family abused me terribly. They also broke into my house stole from me and rang up my job saying bad things about me. I literally cannot go back without being in a worse position there. I can’t afford to buy anywhere near where we used to live. I don’t want to spend all the money before I get a job either. Feel so sick about it all
@LittlePetitePsychopath its not a HC country but I do think I’d be better off coming back on ‘holiday’ to the U.K. and simply refusing to leave the uk with dc having read what’s on here. Dc wants to stay with me. Dh would never be able to look after them anyway but he could say he wants to. He doesn’t want me to leave. He’s very controlling about me.

i want to leave and not have to deal with him outside of sorting dc out. I only stayed when I saw his debt because I wanted to try to help dc through until they’re 18. I can’t see it being possible now without losing the money we have now and me ending up in a worse position.
I have no friends or family. See my pp. I have a couple of superficial friendships here that’s it.

RTFT people. The OP has already said that her current country of residence is NOT a signatory to the Hague Convention.

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting you stay in the marriage. Not at all. I was just asking whether there is enough remorse or care for you and DS that he may cooperate with you to bring DS home. Sometimes people who do terrible things are sorry. It doesn't mean we forgive them or offer another chance, but it can sometimes help us if it makes them willing to do what they can to help us move on.
I had a similar situation. I was fortunate that my ex was genuinely sorry and couldn't do enough to help me move forward. The relationship ended, but he felt he'd made small amends and it helped me a lot.
Just thinking it might be a possibility for you.

No she hasn’t. She’s married. Shes moved it to keep it safe from his proven bad money management. She just needs to make sure she can transfer whatever the court says she owes him after the divorce.

Book a flight in secret and leave with your kid.

Best of luck to you op. You need to get away xxx

Yes this is an excellent point. Please do your research on this. I'm so sorry you are in this position OP. Sending strength

If the country you are in is not a hague convention signatory there is nothing preventing you from taking yourself and your child to the nearest international airport and on the next flight home. I assume you and your child have an up to date UK passport.

If your soon to be ex is controlling and subjecting you to financial abuse, quietly put a plan in place to leave him..when he is next out of the house, gather your important documents and passports. Info on shared assets and financial / pension documents / birth and marriage certificates etc. You have control of the money from the house sale, you will probably need to give him half of that as part of a divorce settlement.

Is there likely to be a window of opportunity in the near future where he is out of the house long enough for you to pack and get yourself and your child to the airport and be checked in and through security and airborne by the time he returns.

This.

Please get intouch with women's aid, they are very helpful. They have a telephone helpline. But once in the UK get in touch with one of their offices and you will have a support worker guiding you every step of the way.
Best wishes.

Be mindful that if you have £200K, or however much it is, in the bank, you won't be able to claim most benefits.

Otherwise, check the rules as there is a period where you can't claim benefits if you haven't been resident in the UK for X amount of time (I can't remember how long).

This would also be a factor with emergency accommodation/social housing. If you have significant savings then the council will expect you to use it to privately rent.

Is that the same if DH is British? We don't actually know where DH is from-If he's British and in the hot country for work, bit no longer working, surely that would make it more acceptable for OP to return to the Uk with the children?
Hasn't Op said the country isn't signed up to The Hague convention?
I guess he needs some urgent legal advice....

If there’s a High Commission rather than an Embassy and only a small expat community it’s more likely to be somewhere in Africa. OP, you need to speak to the consular office at the High Commission for advice, and potentially a lawyer. There are also a number of Hague Convention countries (I worked in one) where the judges, particularly rural ones, don’t understand The Hague Convention and won’t let the child, if it holds the nationality of that country, return to the country where it is habitually resident. I know that where you are is not a Hague Convention country but at least get some advice from the Consul.

Or one of the many countries in The Commonwealth that isn’t in Africa?

Is it an option to persuade DH to return to the Uk too? All return and get housing etc sorted then divorce DH?
I know that's underhand, but sometimes occasionally, the means justify the ends.

What @DurinsBane said. High Commission just means it's a commonwealth country.

YES
If the the dh is British and they all live abroad, it’s the habitual residence that comes first. And not separating the children from their parent.
The citizenship of the patent(s) doesn’t matter there.

Come back for a 'holiday' in the October half-term. That way you can get the permission from your dh. Do not let him have any inkling that you may not return.

Book yourself and kids into an Airbnb for a couple of weeks, then get onto local letting agents and get a flat or house by paying rent upfront for a year or six months, whichever they will accept. Then get your tenancy agreement, which you can use as evidence of address for school places. Banks - use the account you said is registered at an old address, then change the address on it as soon as you move to your new rented flat/house. Then start looking for a job. Then start looking for a house to buy.

If you're not tied to being near family, then choose an area which has affordable housing and good transport links. Lincoln, Newark, somewhere like that maybe.

You can do this OP.

You might find that your bank account is still good to use. I moved abroad and wanted a credit card. I got one through a bank account that had £10 in and I had paid in nothing for about 12 years. 25 years later I still use it. I just changed my address.

Unless you already have online banking you may not be able to set it up until you do return though.

I would pretend to take the kids back here for a holiday but never return. So pack your documents and pack your important things. Here you’ll be able to get back on your feet and work. I’d file for divorce too, so I’m not liable for his accumulating debt.

Your earlier post says you transferred 200k to your bank but now you say you haven't got a bank account so where is the money. Where is your bank card.

You need to think this out more. Before returning to UK book somewhere to stay and find a school for DA. If you arrive at Heathrow Airport without doing that there is a social work team based there who will help you find somewhere to stay.

Just leave. If you won't do it now do it at half term. Use time between now and then to decide where you want to live, think about about cost of living, quality of life, town/rural, standard of schools, well away from your family. You can go where you want to liveYou can stay in a hotel / Air BnBwhen you first arrive for a few days/weeks.You can speak to a letting agent about paying deposit and rent up front if necessary. Once arrive make an application to schools for an in term admission they do it all the time. Do you have skills, can you get a job? Dont waste time get on and take positive action.

Start applying for jobs back home. You can request video interviews due to being abroad. When you get an offer start looking to return.

does your son have a British passport ?
surely if both you and your son have a British passport - there is no concern with you both returning to the Uk?

This.

You could rent, pay 6 months in advance in lieu of references.