AIBU to be annoyed Mum invited family during my son’s stay without asking?

[TeaColdAgain]

To be annoyed my mother invited family to stay with my 5 year old without asking me?

For context, my DS was planning to stay with my mum and her husband (married 2 years ago) over the summer holidays for about 4 days alone. They live 3 hours away from us, and it would have been the first time we left him without us.

I changed my mind and decided I'll WFH there, and bring my DD (just turned 3) with us so it's a chance for them to spend time with my mum and partner, but knowing I'm on hand.

Just had an email from my Aunt who said my mum had invited her and my uncle to stay with them when it was just DS staying. Nothing has been mentioned to me. They declined because they're on holiday at the time.

We're naturally protective of him as he's not stayed for a long break without us, he's physically far away and we don't know my mum's new husband that well (they got engaged 1 month after meeting / married within the year / she moved 5 hours away from her home for him - it's been a lot to readjust to).

We see my mum maybe every 2-3 months because of the distance / her travel, and my aunt maybe once or twice a year ish.

Am I being overly sensitive (as she will say I am being when I bring it up) - but it's not ok to invite people to stay without asking me beforehand is it?!

I'd be more concerned about your mother's husband that you don't really know than your aunt that you've logically known all your life?

Although that's only if I had to choose one to be concerned about as I would hope you'd trust your mother's judgement generally.

Youre being weird.

I don't think there's anything that bad about inviting your uncle and aunt, but I do think it's a bit weird that your mum didn't mention it to you. Although I guess maybe she would have if they'd accepted the invitation?

It seems the issue here is more that:

a) you don’t really trust your mum’s judgment (marrying a man she just met)
b) you don’t really trust your mum in general (you decided against your son staying there)
c) you don’t have the sort of relationship you can productively discuss disagreement (you know she will say you’re being insensitive)
d) you don’t feel confident in your own decisions (you changed your mind about him staying and you’re not confident she was in the wrong even though you know deep down she was)

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable about any of those things - I think your gut is telling you something and you should listen. I agree that you shouldn’t let your son stay there alone, it’s too far away and you don’t know this man. I do also think it is a bit weird of her to invite extended family over who the son doesn’t know without mentioning it to you. I assume you don’t have that close a relationship with them or you’d have said so.

I can pretty much guarantee if you raise it won’t go particularly well and you won’t get a clear answer and she won’t accept your view. I’d just quietly file this knowledge away and not let him stay without you in future, and not bother raising it.

For context, my DS was planning to stay with my mum and her husband (married 2 years ago) over the summer holidays for about 4 days alone

What 5 year old makes plans to stay with grandparents???

That's exactly what I thought when I read it. Odd wording.
Anyway no, I wouldn't have an issue with this.

Being a little too over the top with the Uncle and Auntie thing but the Mum’s partner issue is another thing and I would be cautious at that situation more given the speed your mum married him without getting to know him better!

But you said you’re going to be there? 🤔

She asked family to stay, it's not like she asked Dave from over the road who you've never met to stay! 😂

FWIIW: We are grandparents who frequently look after our young grandchildren. When they stay, it is totally geared up to them. There is no way I would be entertaining other people

In this case though 'other people' are close family and will no doubt be interested in and probably helpful with entertaining the 5 year old.

I really can't see that she's done anything wrong. She invited her sister, who you know and see regularly, to her house. There's nothing wrong with that.

It’s a difficult one to let go sometimes. If you know and trust your Mums judgement then visitors are normal and healthy - plus meeting family is good (obvs all good family members). If you cannot be sure on people’s judgement then don’t let your child there unsupervised. However you will be there so I am sure all will be fine.

So long as DS knows the aunt and uncle and seems to like them, I can't see a problem. Inviting friends of her partner would be another matter.

If you don't trust your new stepdad that's fine, but I don't see the difference between your son staying with them at your mums home or away on holiday, they're still looking after him alone.

However, they really should've let you know their plans.

However, they really should've let you know their plans

Maybe she would have if the aunt and uncle had been able to come.

I also wouldn't be concerned about aunt/uncle who presumably you’ve known for decades. I would however have reservations about your mums new DH considering the speed and haste they married, and you can’t possibly know him well, any of you including your mum! What was the rush to Marry?! And if they’ve been hours away, how well does DS know your DM? I think you are right to go along, but not because of possible aunt and uncle visiting.

But the aunt isn’t coming? And you’re going with your DD? I don’t understand what the problem is?

Don’t really get the problem, sorry. Especially as they aren’t even going. Unless there is a massive back story about the aunt being a crackhead or something.

Your mum can invite whoever she wants to stay at her house, however it’s not fair to deliberately blindside you and force you into a situation you’re uncomfortable with. I voted not unreasonable as although her house her rules information was definitely withheld from you.

they got engaged 1 month after meeting / married within the year / she moved 5 hours away from her home for him
This would be enough for me to say you can come here and visit - while I'm around to keep an eye on everything.
I wouldn't let my kids go to stay with a stranger.

They are family. Not randoms. I think you are over thinking it

I’d be the same as you although I wouldn’t make a deal of it. I would be ok with her inviting my aunt and uncle but I would have expected her to run it by me first. My mum would have just said, oh next weekend I’ve said to aunt Jane if she would like to come is that ok and I would have said fine. I think it’s just courteous to advise what the living situation would be for your child if you’re not there,

*But the aunt isn’t coming? And you’re going with your DD? I don’t understand what the problem is?
Exactly!
An absolute drama over nothing.

Sounds like you changed your plans late in why can't they.

I encourage my family to have their own relationship with my DC.

I changed my mind and decided I'll WFH there, and bring my DD (just turned 3) with us so it's a chance for them to spend time with my mum and partner

Were your mum and her partner consulted about this?

My mum always invited loads of family when my kids stayed with her, because they wanted to see the kids? everyone loved it and the children look forward to dinner with uncle x and coffee with aunty y during their visits.

your reaction seems bizarre op. Why on earth would you not want your child to meet their extended family?