To ask if you'd be ok with your DP doing a hobby 3-5 evenings a week?

[Iamsohungryy]

If it were a competitive sport and you had no kids. Sometimes once or twice a week, but they keep taking on new things so there can be weeks where it's Monday to Friday. This is living together btw. Or would you find it too much?

Lot of people on this thread asking OP to justify the amount of cleaning she does! If it needs doing, it needs doing.

Well, that's your choice.

Does your husband ever clean it?

Is there a compromise so that he can do it most days but it doesn’t take up so much time? My DH practices golf in the garden midweek using a net and an electronic thing that measures his swing (thankfully we back on to fields!). He only plays a full round on a Saturday. That works for us and we both have an hour to do our own thing before having tea together.

Without children, I think 3 nights per week is fine. I think 5 is a bit unkind as it suggests they don’t like prioritise time with you at all.

Please don’t lump your situation as a generalised view of ‘women’.
I don’t know anyone who does this. Women who take on most of it, also have a choice in it.

Look at your situation. Perfect example.

He’s showing you loud and clear that his hobby is a priority right now, without kids.
If YOU then CHOOSE to have a child with him and absolutely nothing changes, then you have made a choice about the situation you find yourself in. So don’t assume that poor little women are forced into these situations.

Yes, as long as I could do.too.

That’s the problem. Not the hobbies.

he needs to behave like an adult

i couldnt be in a relationship where this happened. My DH and I are equal partners

For me five days a week would be too much as you don’t get much time to spend together. I would also be concerned that if you do have children in the future it won’t change and you will end up doing everything on your own. Three days sounds okay as long as you can also get free time.

I am an adult. I am also a bit of a clean freak and I like "show homes' more than so called "lived in".

Never stopped me going out 5 or 6 nights evening and week before kids. And doing 1 load of laundry everyday for 2 people.

How much mess can one create that you actually need more than 2 hours a week at the grand maximum to maintain a clean and tidy house when people work full time and have no kids?

Was he like this when you were dating.

Why don't the two of you do all this cleaning on a Sat am together

are you both in full time work M-F ? surely the home doesn't get that dirty if no one is there thru the day ?

We worked a lot and had hobbies, I’m messy and dp took a long time to understand tidying. Our house was frequently a tip before kids.
now we have kids and it’s probably more organised but we also work very hard at it every day.

I agree with you entirely! I think it sounds quite nice...

There’s your answer. No. He’s not pulling his weight.

Tbf if he's out 5 days out of 7, he probably doesn't make 50% of the mess?
I wouldn't care but then I like my own space.

I think this is quite nuanced, OP. Is he flexible? Would he happily change plans if it was someone's birthday/play you want to see/social arrangement? Do you spend other nights together in date like situations?

Personally I like to do stuff and so does DH. We both do lots of activities on week night evenings and so does DD. Because we have kids we often do things at different times as a sort of tag team but now she is older/also runs, we often do some things together, which is really nice but I do also like my solo activities.

DH's ex does not do things that involve leaving the house much and is very interested in cleaning. I am not. We do what needs to be done on the house management front and most of it does happen in the hour before visitors arrive when we all get on it as a team. I have never not gone out because I haven't cleaned a bathroom and suspect this will only intensify as I age.

If DH suggested I should go out less to stay in and clean I would refuse. We do plan some things to do together and he will timetable his stuff early doors to fit with family stuff, but we are both committed to nobody missing out.

Is he inflexible? Do you share any interests? Is this new or was he always like that? What is the time you spend together like? I can't decide from your post if he is inflexible and inconsiderate or just training for a triathlon. These things are very different in my mind. Plus if I thought what DH was doing was pointless, I think it would feel different, and it would be very different if it wasn't reciprocated.

Are you considering children? He would have to make huge changes to his routine for that to work for you, I suspect. I would check this out before becoming pregnant. MN is full of posters who thought fatherhood would change this situation instantly and are very resentful when it didn't.

If he's not willing to clean, he can help pay for a cleaner

Because both of you are responsible for your home fir shopping cooking cleaning up after dinner it sounds like only OP does this she's a servant not a partner

How much daily cleaning is there if he is out all the time?
Why dont you go out more or stop so much cleaning?
But looks like you not compatible
Call it off

Mine in a birdspotter / moth & butterfly enthusiast.. he’s out most days. He was late in on Tuesday as he travelled miles to see something, he’s out now. Keeps him happy, i’m working so no skin off my nose.

I like him enjoying himself, my only worry is him burning in the sun

Did you have a conversation before you moved on together where you outlined your standards on this and how he would have to contribute to housework to maintain those standards?

@ExtraOnions Are you both retired?

My husband of 20 years is out training 5 times a week a mix of early evening, later evening and Saturday mornings. He also goes to the gym 3 x a week. It hasn't always been this much, it has varied between twice a week plus gym and the current set up. We don't have children to worry about which would make a big difference for the early evening sessions but he can't drive for medical reasons so I drop him and pick him up from 3/4 sessions a week that are too far to walk.
We both work from home so we see each other early or late around this. I do my own hobbies or go to the gym, visit friends or I have the freedom to flake in front of the TV or do some work.
He works hard and its great for his mental and physical health as well as being social time for him. We share the load at home equally and still get plenty of time together so I don't have any issue with it.

5 would be too many for me as you need find together & with friends as a couple.

But plenty on MNs seem to go to the gym daily despite work & small dc!

Is there the option of going to meet friends, or going away as a couple?

Because you often see it on here, one goes to the gym, but the alternative is to stay home and watch tv. Or cook diner that the one who is out would happily do without. It's rude to refuse the food cooked by your partner, but many people would just as happily grabbed something on the way home and not make a fuss about it.

If someone refuses to make plan and spend time with their partner, it's hurtful.
When they are getting negative comment when nothing was planned or happening anyway, it's a bit silly.