To ask if you'd be ok with your DP doing a hobby 3-5 evenings a week?

[Iamsohungryy]

If it were a competitive sport and you had no kids. Sometimes once or twice a week, but they keep taking on new things so there can be weeks where it's Monday to Friday. This is living together btw. Or would you find it too much?

This! 100% - I personally wouldn't like it, and that's okay.

Get a cleaner

My dh often works till 10pm, his work is a bit like a hobby! 9pm would be an early finish.

I'm fine with it. We try and eat together at least once in the day. And have one day in the week for family/ couple time.

It was harder when the kids were younger. Now I can do my hobbies any / all evenings.

I am quite introverted though.

No I would have too much respect for myself to be used for splitting costs and being free skivvy.

You are not his priority.
Men like this don't change with children, they get worse.

They make very selfish fathers.
You are wasting time, your time, on a man who is 100% suiting himself.

Well that's a bit dismal isn't it? My main worry though would be that he's so wedded tonhis Important Hobby that little would change for him if they had kids - while the OP would now have about 10x as much on her plate.

Well it really depends. I mean have you actually said you think he's using too much if your limited free time on hobbies and you want to spend more time with him?
Broadly speaking i'd do what's possible to let my partner do what they enjoy & I don't think hobbies 5 days a week is necessarily a red line

Does he tidy as he goes along? Do you keep the living room clear of clothes etc? I'm a place-for-everything and everything-in-its-place, no clutter, type person, but because of that, cleaning is easy. I've got a cockateil, which means daily hoovering. What do your high standards consist of? Pissing about with cushions/throws/candle/seasonal displays etc? As a woman I've never let housework dominate my life. Out, 3 nights a week is fine, 5 starts to push it. However it depends on what you want to do on those other evenings. My DP would turn me into his TV companion if I let him, at nearly 60, I consider myself too young for that.

My partner is out 3 nights a week (and a few early mornings) playing a sport. I don't mind in the slightest, it's great he has interests outside of work. If I felt he wasn't pulling his weight house wise I'd tell him and he'd probably hire a cleaner! I do do most of the cleaning but I don't mind as he does all the cooking and all his own ironing (and mine).

I'm wondering how much housework there is for two adults who both work, and one is out most evenings?

Housework in a scenario of two working adults should be split, but that doesn't mean you need to do it at the same time. If you are just going ahead and doing it all when he isn't there, the problem is your management, you need to split things according to task. Then he can manage his part how he likes.

But I also wonder what you mean by "high standards." There is a point at which one person's desire for some kind of ultra clean doesn't obligate the other person to accept the same standard. Like - he probably does not need to be hoovering every day, if you want to do that, it's your thing. I can imagine if my partner expected that I might go out and do a hobby.

So I think we need some sense of what it is you think he needs to be doing.

The only reason 'society' expects it is because woman like you do it. Tell him to pull his own weight or fuck off.

My xh was like this when we first lived together. I put up with it because I really loved him, but I wish I could go back and explain to previous-me that this is who he his, he'll never want to spend much time with you.

It would have been so hard to break up, as I loved him so much, but I needed a partner who wanted the same level of being together as I did.

I would not mind at all if we had no kids and I'd find it off, controlling even if someone did. Even with kids I wouldn't mind. DH and I used to go to the gym most days at separate times when ours were little. He did really early shifts so would go when he finished work at 2 and I would go when the kids went to bed.

Not really.
That was me, and I am the female partner. And so were my girlfriends! Because I met a lot of friends, women and men to be fair, doing my sport.

|t can only go 2 ways: either you have a boyfriend/ husband who is self-sufficient and independent, and has his own hobby and is able to spend an evening home alone if he has nothing else planed. Not everyone likes to be out of the house 4 or 5 nights a week and that's absolutely fine.

I also had friends who trained first thing, but getting up to be ready for 5am every day meant evenings were very quiet too. It only work as a couple with supportive boyfriends

Or your boyfriend is into the same field and it's a complete non-issue because that's their life too. You also spend more time together which is nice.

I strongly disagree that it's a "men having hobbies, women doing chores" situation. However, if it's too much for you, it's fair, but you can't expect him to change his life completely. Why should he?

My home was immaculate before DC. It really didn't take much effort. Bathroom had a quick clean before I showered then a swill of the bath when I was done. Cleaned as I went whilst cooking then a quick wash of the pots afterwards, everything got put back in it's place straight away, it felt like it took no time at all. Weekends I'd do a deep clean which only took an hour because it had been kept on top of. What is happening to make you feel you need to be a home most evenings cleaning? Are you struggling with energy levels or motivation? Struggling to stay organised?

With no children, and presuming he's on top of his work, and does a proportionate share of chores, then it's up to him how often he goes out.

With respect, in a household without children, with one adult out most of the time, there must be very little housework to be done. You could blast it between you in an hour or two on a Saturday morning.

How much cleaning is there in a house with 2 adults, and one of them not there 3 or more evenings a week ? Surely the time required isn't that much ?

As others have said, your own tolerance for this will vary - but don't 'trap' yourself with overkill on housework, and make sure you have your own interests. Even if you're more of a homebody, staying home & crafting or reading or whatever is better than seething as you hoover

I think the answer is to get my own hobby that takes up most of my time. I do have hobbies some evenings, but not every night.

You sound incompatible. Is it the case that he sees cleaning as your job or that he doesn't have as high cleaning standards as you? Some people are quite happy to rarely hoover, clean bathroom etc. I could not live with someone who didn't want a clean house and for that reason the relationship would not last because I would get fed up of being the only person cleaning.

My worry would be that if we did have kids, he'd just carry on and leave me with all the evenings.

No one said that. You can do whatever you want, no one HAS to be out every night. However, you can't resent or complain against someone who does.
He shouldn't complain about you staying at home in the evening either (which he doesn't seem to be, just making the point)

If it's not the right match, think carefully if you want to stay in the relationship.

It needs to work for you both.

I'm not interested in the utility discussions. Just because a man cooks and cleans to an equal or greater extent than I do doesn't make him a good partner. What interests me is what you are doing at weekends together. Are you dating? Travelling together? If not, then what is the point of this relationship? Financial utility? Splitting the mortgage?

On average is it 3 or 5?

5 nights some weeks and 3 weeks others I’d be ok. Particularly given there’s no childcare. But if it’s mostly 5 nights a week then no!

I wouldn't say he expects it, but i automatically do it because I don't want to live in a pig sty and have high standards

Ach, that was me & my ex. I'm female & ex was male. We broke up because I didn't meet his standards. When we didn't have kids, I would have been mostly fine if he had a sport ("hobby") he loved instead 3-5x/week, though. Can you join in at all, as watcher or helper? Different if you have childcare and can't join in, though, then 3x/week at very most would be tolerable.

I agree with this, and If he did stay in, would you be talking or just scrolling on your phones