Should I warn my ex before asking for more than half?

[Rinceyourrice]

I can't really talk about this with anyone.

I think I want to give my ex-husband a heads up that I intend to ask for more than 50% in the settlement. Possibly a lot more.

My main reason for doing so is that I know him well and one fact about him is that he does not handle surprises well. He's absolutely fine when given time to digest something. (as an example, we could never just decide to go out to dinner, but if I messaged him earlier in the day to suggest it, he'd be on board). During our 30-year marriage, I would always give him notice when I wanted to discuss something in particular. Springing anything on him kind of makes him shut down and unable to consider it.

I'm not sure if it's relevant to my question, but in case you want a full picture, the reasons I will ask for more than 50% are as follows:

Skip this bit if you're not interested:

1. He earns almost 3 times my salary.

1. One of the reasons he does, is because I paused my career to bring up our children. I was contributing to our family with my labour and care, while he was contributing by earning the money. That was our arrangement, and it would have worked, if not for his sudden change of plan.

1. His father is a 93 Yr old multi-millionaire. Dh will inherit. I realise that's simply his good luck and my bad luck, but I'm including it so you understand that ex-husband will be fine, financially.

1. Ex-husband changed the plan. He left me. I thought our marriage was fine. I would have been willing to work on things. He left me for someone else. That was his choice.

1. Financial abuse during the marriage. He did not ever allow me access to any of our finances, or the mortgage (which is in my name too), his pensions (I didn't have one), or tell me about the many debts he took out to give the woman he was seeing tens of thousands of pounds. He was living the high life while telling me we couldn't afford to fix my car door. And I believed that was true and faithfully tried to reduce the grocery bill to help with our family finances.

1. I moved to this country because of his job. Our children have their lives here. They want to stay. I can't afford to stay here if I can't buy a house.

1. Ex-h does not want to house the children. They are with me. He rarely sees them. They are my responsibility. He pays decent child support for them but plans to reduce his contribution - this will leave me unable to afford the rent to this house that we chose together, him already having started his affair.

1. I need more then 50% to set myself up and live my life independently with our children. I can't do it with 50%. I'll have to leave this country. I don't want to, and neither do the children. The amount I want will not see me enjoying overseas holidays or shopping at prada. It's a deposit that will allow me to get a mortgage.

I'm not asking if I'm entitled to more than 50%. Legally I'm not. Morally..?

I'm asking if I should give him a heads up. He's more likely to entertain it, given notice.

Or... Would I just be giving him time to justify saying no?

Morally yes, absolutely yes.

Take him to the cleaners tbh.

you're not planning to do any or all of this without solicitors are you? Just follow their advice. This is a very ordinary situation for them.

Put it in writing to him that you are going to ask for £x or x%, possibly a bit more than you actually want so he can “win” by lowering it. Say that you need a higher amount to house the children and 50% isn’t enough.

You are going to ask for this so as you know him, it’s best he’s got time to think about it before hand. It could he’s not thought about what you would need to set up a home in the UK so this gives him time to think it through.

Don’t give him a heads up, no.

Telling him that you’re going to be asking for more than half of everything will likely not come as a surprise. Why should you bother when you do it? You’re getting divorced!
Much of what you say has no influence on settlement figures - anything relating to his behaviour and other women for example.
First of all, how old are your DC and how many do you have? How much equity is in your house? Assuming he’s been very well paid, and you’ve been together 30+ years, the house is likely to be worth a lot with a minimal mortgage. You need to have full financial disclosure of his finances including his pension in order to know what you’re entitled to.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Morally 💯. Hoping you get a good judge. Remember split based on need not fault, so focus on that.

Know what you’re saying about notice but he i
has already shown your needs mean feck all to him. His head has been turned. He will be wanting to cut ties as cheaply as possible.

I’d be more inclined to keep your cards close to your chest, with warning he might start hiding assets (if not already). Tell him you’re open to fair offers, which you are - the term is relative then get all your ducks in a row, get up to speed on reasons 50-50 can be departed from etc.

Is there any way you’d be entitled to spousal maintenance? Capitalising that could give you leverage.

No, of course solicitors will do the settlement. My heads up would be from me though. Now. Before the point of division of assets.

You're absolutely right. The law is not punative, and the fact that he's been an arsehole doesn't alter anything.

Good advice to focus on need.

In these circumstances I would not be giving him a heads up, I would be ensuring my solicitor was top notch and taking him to the cleaners. My friend got a 70% settlement in similar circumstances.

See this is my worry. On the one hand I know him so well. On the other, the fact is I obviously didn't know him as well as I thought I did.

Thank you for your kind post, @RedRock41

No the law isn’t punitive op. And it doesn’t give you repayment for decisions you took ie moving country or raising kids, nor does it assume he couldn’t have been successful without you doing this, as outsourced child care is available. These will ot factor, nor will his parents financial status, or any financial abuse during tne marriage,

what will happen though is 50 50 will be a starting point for all joint assets, and if the judge feels you will be left in poverty this will be increased to ensure you are not, as long as it doesn’t mean he is. Again a future inheritance doesn’t factor.

dependong on age you will be expected to work and support yourself, but if not feasible this will be taken into account.

spousal maintenance is rare, but you can also request this, although judges prefer a clean break.

id do the Maths, all joint assets, pension savings etc, and then decide your claim. You may well get more.

i am unsure id give him a heads up, it just gives him more time to work out how to not give you it.

the key point a judge will decide is not, is your standard of living equal. It will be are you in poverty.

You should be entitled to some of the pensions too. I wouldn’t give him a heads up no. It should be obvious.

Why would you give him a heads up? That’s what lawyers are for. You don’t need to protect him. His reactions are no longer your problem.

I would be inclined to drag this out as long as possible, given the age of his millionaire father!

Yes, you can ask for a larger share of assets in order to be able to house your children. Do you work? You might do better to ask for a higher share of house equity in exchange for not seeking a pension sharing order.

Absolutey no heads up!!

If his dad dies whilst you’re still married, you get a share of the inheritance as it becomes your dh’s estate

Morally, if you’re currently renting, I’m not sure you are entitled to buy a home by getting more than 50% of marital assets. He needs to be able to provide a suitable home for his children to stay in too which means he needs enough money left to be able to do that.

He might be an arsehole who deserves to be taken to the cleaners, and you definitely deserve some of his pension, but being a SAHM is a luxury. Maybe a risky luxury, but is not the selfless sacrifice that it is often painted as.

if you think giving your ex calm warning of your plan will be less likely to upset him and therefore more likely to lead to what you want, then do it.

Presumably he also has a solicitor who should be advising that it is likely you will request/need more than 50% so it will not be a surprise.
It does not really sound like your ex-h is likely to be benevolent over this given his previous behaviour and so I think you should leave his solicitor to earn their fee and anticipate your ask and not say anything yourself. I also agree with pp who mentioned he may try to hide assets.

he does not handle surprises well

That doesn’t really feel like your issue to care about anymore tbh. His emotions are his problem to deal with.

How old are your children? I’m assuming not really young if you’ve been married 30 years?

I'm not sure that's true. That would be his money gained after the date of our separation. I'm not after his dad's fortune. I just need a house to live in.

Kids are older teens. That awkward age where he'll soon not be obliged to support them, but at the same time they still need a bedroom in my house! All still in full time education (eldest at uni though). They've been through a lot.

Yes, I work full time plus extra. I'm doing everything I can to be financially independent. I have been on a steep leaning curve since he left, but I'm making good decisions and getting things done.

Sorry the 'not true' comment was in response to getting his dad's money.

Don’t drag it out. She could end up in a situation with adult children, and a still living father in law.

Why do you say legally you’re not entitled to more than 50%? Of course you are if that’s what a judge orders, and it sounds as if that is likely. Be guided by your solicitor.

inheritance is not usually included in divorce settlements, certainly if the couple are already in the process.
Maybe you are not in the uk? I thought this was wickedly known.

I know that I'm not legally entitled to what I want. I believe there's a chance he will be generous. He doesn't want to have to think of himself as a royal arsehole.