Should I warn my ex before asking for more than half?

[Rinceyourrice]

I can't really talk about this with anyone.

I think I want to give my ex-husband a heads up that I intend to ask for more than 50% in the settlement. Possibly a lot more.

My main reason for doing so is that I know him well and one fact about him is that he does not handle surprises well. He's absolutely fine when given time to digest something. (as an example, we could never just decide to go out to dinner, but if I messaged him earlier in the day to suggest it, he'd be on board). During our 30-year marriage, I would always give him notice when I wanted to discuss something in particular. Springing anything on him kind of makes him shut down and unable to consider it.

I'm not sure if it's relevant to my question, but in case you want a full picture, the reasons I will ask for more than 50% are as follows:

Skip this bit if you're not interested:

1. He earns almost 3 times my salary.

1. One of the reasons he does, is because I paused my career to bring up our children. I was contributing to our family with my labour and care, while he was contributing by earning the money. That was our arrangement, and it would have worked, if not for his sudden change of plan.

1. His father is a 93 Yr old multi-millionaire. Dh will inherit. I realise that's simply his good luck and my bad luck, but I'm including it so you understand that ex-husband will be fine, financially.

1. Ex-husband changed the plan. He left me. I thought our marriage was fine. I would have been willing to work on things. He left me for someone else. That was his choice.

1. Financial abuse during the marriage. He did not ever allow me access to any of our finances, or the mortgage (which is in my name too), his pensions (I didn't have one), or tell me about the many debts he took out to give the woman he was seeing tens of thousands of pounds. He was living the high life while telling me we couldn't afford to fix my car door. And I believed that was true and faithfully tried to reduce the grocery bill to help with our family finances.

1. I moved to this country because of his job. Our children have their lives here. They want to stay. I can't afford to stay here if I can't buy a house.

1. Ex-h does not want to house the children. They are with me. He rarely sees them. They are my responsibility. He pays decent child support for them but plans to reduce his contribution - this will leave me unable to afford the rent to this house that we chose together, him already having started his affair.

1. I need more then 50% to set myself up and live my life independently with our children. I can't do it with 50%. I'll have to leave this country. I don't want to, and neither do the children. The amount I want will not see me enjoying overseas holidays or shopping at prada. It's a deposit that will allow me to get a mortgage.

I'm not asking if I'm entitled to more than 50%. Legally I'm not. Morally..?

I'm asking if I should give him a heads up. He's more likely to entertain it, given notice.

Or... Would I just be giving him time to justify saying no?

If you tell him your plans beforehand, you give him the opportunity to be 'creative' with his accounting. He is not your friend. Do not tell him beforehand what your plans are.

Your solicitor doesn’t say ‘Rinceyourrice wants 75% and you need to decide NOW’. There’s a communication process between solicitors and everyone has time to consider their responses. I’d stay well out of it, managing his moods isn’t your job anymore.

They are already living apart. Your suggestion is pretty vulgur.

Is he likely to give up his job when the inheritance comes through?

You do what ever you want to do but I’d start by getting yourself a job.

What is the norm in the country you’re in?
A lot of the responses are going with the uk norm of starting with 50/50 and then possible adjustments. But eg as far as I know from talking to a friend in France divorce settlements are calculated differently (she couldn’t afford to leave her dh).

Im terms of the giving him the heads up, whenever he hears the information it will initially be a surprise and then time to get his head around it whether that comes from you or his legal team. Nothing moves fast in divorce proceedings.
You are still managing his emotions which seems to be a deeply ingrained habit. You don’t have to anymore.

I wouldn’t tell him, your lawyer can tell his lawyer.

Legally you probably are entitled to more than 50%. Don't think you are not. 50% is just a starting point for negotiation. Assuming you're in England or Wales that is.

Leave it to solicitors

If there are plenty of assets, a judge in England (not sure where you are) might well decide that 50% and a full time job meets your needs to house your minor children (any adult children won’t count regardless of the fact you’re hosing them in holidays) and is a fair split. When you say you need more than 50% to set yourself up, what percentage of the assets do you need to do that? Is that considering a mortgage on the house which you’ll be eligible for on a full time salary? His father’s money won’t be counted. I’m not saying it’s certain to be a 50% split or that you shouldn’t negotiate for it, simply that it’s not a foregone conclusion that you would be awarded a majority settlement. But there’s not enough information to say for sure.

Whether you tell him now or later the impact will be the same surely?

You could drag the divorce out. Tell dh you really want to wait and see if his new relationship works out and can he give you 18 months to get yourself together - “I’ve been married to you for 30 years, you can at least offer me this much.”

How long can his dad survive?

Once his dad dies the inheritance is part of his assets, no? Therefore part of the marital assets.

I wouldnt be proposing anything I’d be arguing back and forth for as long as humanly possible.

No. Inheritance is usually not included as a martial asset. They are also already not living together.
I think OP wants what’s fair, not to screw him over.

he was financially abusive though. He’s not going to see reason here and be fair. You need to see what the lawyers will get you, and whether he likes the plan or not won’t apply. So telling him early just gives him the ability to plan.

Inheritance is normally ring fenced, she won’t get her hands on it. If he’d inherited years ago or it had been invested in a marital asset, she would, but an inheritance post seperation no judge will allow her to have it. It simply will not be considered.

OP you may be giving him an advantage by prior warning that you want more than 50%. If he can't control his temper, it is not your fault and he may reduce his assets such as pay off debt, give money away etc before the legal demands are made - which may even be delayed too - giving him still more time.

And as well as the inheritance not being part of the martial assets, the longer the financial settlement takes, the more of OP’s children will reach 18 and not be considered for her housing needs. If all children are adults then unless they have significant SEN, OP’s housing needs will be a one bedroom place. It’s in the OP’s interests to get this sorted as quickly as possible.

Agree. Generally the only people who benefit from a drawn-out, ugly divorce are the solicitors. And that's just the financial side. OP won't benefit emotionally in dragging it out. Just do it fairly, and get on with the rest of your lives.

I would remind him that the DC will need housing for along time to come and ask him if he’s intending for them to live with him if you have to move away if you can’t avoided to stay.

Personally no I wouldn't. I would keep my cards close to my chest here and let the solicitor deal with it

I don’t know why you want more than 50%

It was your choice to give up your career and I assume he didn’t force you to have DCs, so I’m not sure how that is ‘his fault’.

It sounds as though you’ve lived a comfortable lifestyle whilst he’s been working hard to provide for you and his DC - this will be taken into account.

If he earns as much as you say, then you likely have a decent home that would be sold and split in half - allowing you to easily buy yourself a home.

You are not going to get more than 50% and I think telling him this is not only going to cause unnecessary drama but you’ll also feel like crap when he ‘wins’ in court.

Why do you really want to tell him?
I don’t believe you’re doing it out of pure kindness - are you still hoping to get him back? Do you want to try and hurt him like he hurt you?

Did you not even bother to read the OP? It was a joint decision and he was financially abusive.

OP why do you keep insisting you’re not entitled to more than 50%?

I went with my friend to a lawyer for her divorce and the lawyer said it was common when the kids live with one parent that they get more than 50%, and advised her to go for 60%. She did and she got it, and they settled out of court with a mutual friend mediating. So no lawyer’s fees (initial consultation was free).

Do not forget his pension! You should be entitled to a good chunk of that and it could be very valuable.

I'd leave it all in the hands of your solicitor.