Should I warn my ex before asking for more than half?

[Rinceyourrice]

I can't really talk about this with anyone.

I think I want to give my ex-husband a heads up that I intend to ask for more than 50% in the settlement. Possibly a lot more.

My main reason for doing so is that I know him well and one fact about him is that he does not handle surprises well. He's absolutely fine when given time to digest something. (as an example, we could never just decide to go out to dinner, but if I messaged him earlier in the day to suggest it, he'd be on board). During our 30-year marriage, I would always give him notice when I wanted to discuss something in particular. Springing anything on him kind of makes him shut down and unable to consider it.

I'm not sure if it's relevant to my question, but in case you want a full picture, the reasons I will ask for more than 50% are as follows:

Skip this bit if you're not interested:

1. He earns almost 3 times my salary.

1. One of the reasons he does, is because I paused my career to bring up our children. I was contributing to our family with my labour and care, while he was contributing by earning the money. That was our arrangement, and it would have worked, if not for his sudden change of plan.

1. His father is a 93 Yr old multi-millionaire. Dh will inherit. I realise that's simply his good luck and my bad luck, but I'm including it so you understand that ex-husband will be fine, financially.

1. Ex-husband changed the plan. He left me. I thought our marriage was fine. I would have been willing to work on things. He left me for someone else. That was his choice.

1. Financial abuse during the marriage. He did not ever allow me access to any of our finances, or the mortgage (which is in my name too), his pensions (I didn't have one), or tell me about the many debts he took out to give the woman he was seeing tens of thousands of pounds. He was living the high life while telling me we couldn't afford to fix my car door. And I believed that was true and faithfully tried to reduce the grocery bill to help with our family finances.

1. I moved to this country because of his job. Our children have their lives here. They want to stay. I can't afford to stay here if I can't buy a house.

1. Ex-h does not want to house the children. They are with me. He rarely sees them. They are my responsibility. He pays decent child support for them but plans to reduce his contribution - this will leave me unable to afford the rent to this house that we chose together, him already having started his affair.

1. I need more then 50% to set myself up and live my life independently with our children. I can't do it with 50%. I'll have to leave this country. I don't want to, and neither do the children. The amount I want will not see me enjoying overseas holidays or shopping at prada. It's a deposit that will allow me to get a mortgage.

I'm not asking if I'm entitled to more than 50%. Legally I'm not. Morally..?

I'm asking if I should give him a heads up. He's more likely to entertain it, given notice.

Or... Would I just be giving him time to justify saying no?

Morally: get every fucking penny you can.

Let’s hope his dad snuffs it before it goes to court so you can ask for 50 per cent or more of everything including his inheritance.

He financially abused her, told lies and let her base financial decisions including choice of expensive property based on his lies, and he wants no part in raising his children.

why do you think she should be going for only 50 per cent?

Thanks all. I think the must helpful posts pointed out that whenever he hears my request he will not have to respond immediately. I suppose I was vaguely imagining a meeting in which it would be sprung on him and he'd respond immediately one way or the other. Obviously that's not at all how it works. Of course it doesnt. It will go to him via solicitors and he'll have time to think then. I'll keep my powder dry for now.

I might make another solicitor appointment. I don't need her yet but I've got a much better understanding of my situation than I did the last time we spoke. I have different and better questions now.

Expensive though, especially if only to put my mind at rest.

And she has proof of all of this??

A judge is not going to listen to he said, she said.
It will be based on facts.

Telling her ex that she’s going for more than half, when realistically she’s not going to get it, is not a good idea.

Her solicitor will advise her on what she should try and negotiate but I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell her DP.

She should also not try and wait it out until her ex FIL dies.

Spot on - and always good to have a dispassionate analysis (if that’s the right word)

Could you hold off divorce proceedings until he receives inheritance? Bit merciless but it sounds like you would be ok with that.
I think you might need to consider smaller housing though, realistically.

Why on earth would she do that, she can’t get her hands on it.

That makes no sense

He might be more generous if he had millions in the bank, a court might also look more favourably on the request too.

I think you need to be clear about what's possible legally- it's unclear if you moved to the UK or from the UK, and if you're not currently in the UK, a lot of the advice here is based on what woukd happen in England & Wales.

But I wouldn't forewarn him, just leave it to the solicitors.

Scummy comment

Don't share the number until youve spoken to solicitors.

In fact, if you say now "more than 50%" then you're drawing a battle line at 50% that he willtry to beat you back down to.

Better to give a number (after discussing with solicitor) with fat included so that he can negotiate you down and win.

Once you know what you are willing to accept and the tactical fiest bid then you can think about how to seed it with him.

Do not contact him without getting advice from your solicitor. In fact, do not discuss the divorce directly with him at all. All discussions should be via your solicitor. He will be doing everything possible to get away with giving you and the children as little as possible. He has shown you he doesn’t care about your or the children’s welfare. Remember that.

The financial abuse might not be easy to prove, and doesnt really come into it either way. But it's a solid fact that she has diminished earning capacity now because she took childcare and household responsibilities off him, thus enabling him to build his career.

Yeah, it’s not like on the telly!

You 100% must spend the money on a solicitor - it’s not simply about putting your mind at rest, it’s about getting a dispassionate assessment of what’s likely to happen on a good or bad outcome and setting your expectations accordingly. Worth every penny.

Agin this is nonsense , as you can buy child care and a cleaner. It’s ridiculous to suggest people can only succeed at work if someone stays home. Most couples are dual career and many single parents and the op is responsible for 50 percent of the kids,

no judge will accept he couldn’t have succeeded if it wasn’t for her doing childcare and the dishes.

what will matter is her earning ability now, will she be left in poverty or will she have a reasonable standard of living. If she will be in poverty or hee standard of living very low, she will get more, as long as if coesnf leave him on the same boat. Hence why 50 50 is the starting point.

she will be expected to work and support herself if feasible and of an age to work/

it really isn’t a case if you become a stay at home mum you get some form of reward on divorce.

The important thing is to ensure your solicitor has all the relevant information and they will then advise you what you should be asking for.

Dont let him know anything he's not your problem any more

Just to clarify something - I took time out of work while the children were little. I have worked full time in a good profession for many years now. At one point I was working two jobs because we needed the money, while he was funding his girlfriend and keeping the big picture finances from me.

The huge mistake I made was trusting my husband.

His fathers wealth should have no bearing whatsoever

Have you got a job?

How old are your DC?

This.
Go for everything you can gor yourself and the kids

They’re apparently older teens with one already at uni. He doesn’t have to house them much longer as they’ll be adults

I think it’s true. It’s my understanding that unless you have divorced with a full consent order in place his inherited wealth becomes part of the pot. I suspect his solicitor will be advising him to get this tied up quickly given the age of his father. That might mean he’s keen to settle asap. On the other hand you might want to take your time ?

With huge thanks to the many thoughtful posters who have taken the time to give share their thoughts and advice, I'm actually going to leave this thread now.

As you can imagine, I'm not feeling terribly robust dealing with all this, and the thread has reached that point where some posters are barking at me without bothering to read the thread. Not usually a biggie, but right now I don't need it.

We've also got very sidetracked with what I do and don't deserve. My question was about whether or not to communicate a warning to him. That has been answered and I'm grateful. Thanks all.

Think your time of caring how he reacts is over, he's not cared about you as he's leaving you, do whatever gets you the best outcome after speaking with lawyer

So he’s going to see his young adults having to rent and stuck in the housing poverty trap?