Has anyone cancelled an IVF cycle with donor eggs

[donorEggDont]

I need a place to anonymously get my feelings out. I have just cancelled my donor egg ivf fet cycle. I just can’t do it.
I thought I was ok with the idea but as it’s got nearer and nearer I’m just not. I feel anxiety not excitement.
I already have a dd (biological) and I’m far too anxious about feeling differently about a donor egg baby.
I’ve started to really enjoy having more time to myself as dd gets older and easier.

I’ve also scared myself silly reading about complications from an embryo that is 100% foreign to the carrying mother’s body and it terrified me. I should have sorted this out and investigated this things previously.

My scan was today I went alone as dh was working and I just broke down I couldn’t do it and asked the clinic to cancel the cycle. I have to now tell dh when he gets in as I know it’ll be the first thing he asks about.

Has anyone else ever cancelled an ivf cycle ? I think I just want dd to be an only child, but I still feel so upset.

But surely the donor has been through lots of medical procedures to get to this point? I don't understand exactly what you're saying. Are you saying you're the recipient of the egg and you want to cancel even though you're partially through treatment? Because yes, you've got a right to do that, but it's been a fuck load of emotion and medical procedures for a donor to go through for nothing.

She has cancelled it. I wish people would read properly.

Yes I just wanted to see if anyone had been through similar feelings/ the same situation.

I’m aware the donor will have gone through a lot.
I have also gone through a lot.
The person I’m trying to put first though is the potential child - if I’m not sure then how can I blindly go ahead when it’s a child who didn’t ask to be created and born and i needed to be 100% sure it was the right thing for them.

Yeah I get that but you didn't even mention the donor at all in your OP - do you fully understand whats involved for her? She's just collatoral damage then

Anyway, you gotta do what you gotta do I guess.

We had a lot of counselling beforehand and not once did anyone either the counsellor or the doctors / nurses make us aware of the risks with carrying a baby that isn’t related to the carrying mother at all? That’s what has really shocked me and made me too scared I think. But why are recipients not told about this ?

yes they should have told you, they were remiss not to. Are you having treatment at The Cromwell by any chance? I didn't rate them all that highly for their pastoral care/counselling.

I think I would have consulted my DH before making any rash decisions.

What should they have told you that you were previously unaware of? I believe the counselling stage is just a formality to cover their own backs tbh. Most people surely are 100% decided at the point of going in for the counselling stage. I have no idea why you went as far as this if wasn’t something you were desperate for. How is dh handling it?

She doesn’t need anyone’s permission to change her mind on what to put her body through!
OP, it must have been very tough for you to make this decision. Sending hugs x

I didn't say she needed permission but I would feel gutted if my spouse made a unilateral decision like that without so much as a heads up.

High risks of complications like preeclampsia, raised risk of gestational diabetes, IUGR and other placenta problems etc. it’s not even on the hfea website under ‘are there any risks for using donor eggs’

The counselling was all about coming to terms with it and I was fine but now knowing all these potential health risks the anxiety is too much and I think it made me worry that if anything happens it affects dd .

I thought it would just be a standard pregnancy with no more risks than if it was my own egg but that’s not the case. It was only by chance I came across this and it’s worried me so much. It should have been one of the first things we were told.

I think as well the whole process has taken so long that I’m not in the correct mindset now anyway , I feel as if I’ve come to term with not having another biological child and then it feels like I’ve just by default come to a place where accepting that means just no more at all?

I think you are wise to wait until you are certain. The evidence coming out about the risks of foreign eggs is alarming.

The donor has not been through the effort for nothing. There are many women seeking donor eggs. OP simply needs to allow the donor eggs intended for her to go to another potential mother if she can’t utilize them in a timely fashion.

They are already embryos so can’t be used in not sure legally if they are mine and dh or egg donor and dh I’m unsure who has to now give consent for them to be not used ?

Yes I think you are unreasonable. Unreasonable for not discussing with your dh beforehand, unreasonable for the donor to have gone through so much to get this far down the line. Unreasonable for not doing your own research until now.

I also think you’ve made a rash decision whilst in a stressful situation that you are spiralling about alone. So I think the way you’ve made your decision is unreasonable and possibly one you will regret.

Wow.

How did you get this far into the process without doing any research?! Those are embryos that could well have become your children, that will now just be destroyed.

I did previously look it up on the hfea website and there’s nothing about these risks. It wa only by chance a few days ago I read about it and it’s just made everything feel wrong. Wrong for me , wrong for any potential child, wrong for my dd. I just panicked today at the appt.
Dh has said it is my choice as I’m the one who has to take the risks. He said he’s upset but he understands.

So you’re expecting your husband to get rid of these embryos that contain his DNA and you’ve not even told him you’re cancelling the procedure beforehand? Yes this is unreasonable. You are supposed to be a partnership.

Whats his view of conception and life? Would he consider this abortion? Would he be ok with that? I know many people wouldn’t be.

Have you spoken to an actual professional about the risks?

It’s not really talked about. We had so many appts with consultants, doctors, nurses , egg donation coordinator and counsellor. Nobody mentioned these risks. I read in the hfea website and it says under ‘are there any risks’ and doesn’t list them. It was by chance I even came across it. The doctors have been so thorough at appts I assumed they’d tell us of anything to worry about but they didn’t ?

I did today at my scan, it all came out I was in tears and they confirmed that yes there is a higher risk of these hypertensive complications with donor eggs plus higher risk of GD or a small IUGR baby I asked why nobody had told me this at any other point I was in tears. They couldnt answer and didn’t give me actual statistics about how high the risk is. They said I’d probably need blood thinners in pregnancy if had gone ahead and been successful but that at that point I’d have been under antenatal care and that they would have explained the options to me .

No he wouldn’t consider it abortion because it isn’t abortion

Is it because the risks are actually negligible and manageable? For example you are tested for diabetes and you take aspirin for pre eclampsia? And in any case you are monitored a lot more than a standard pregnancy so other risks are reduced?