Has anyone cancelled an IVF cycle with donor eggs

[donorEggDont]

I need a place to anonymously get my feelings out. I have just cancelled my donor egg ivf fet cycle. I just can’t do it.
I thought I was ok with the idea but as it’s got nearer and nearer I’m just not. I feel anxiety not excitement.
I already have a dd (biological) and I’m far too anxious about feeling differently about a donor egg baby.
I’ve started to really enjoy having more time to myself as dd gets older and easier.

I’ve also scared myself silly reading about complications from an embryo that is 100% foreign to the carrying mother’s body and it terrified me. I should have sorted this out and investigated this things previously.

My scan was today I went alone as dh was working and I just broke down I couldn’t do it and asked the clinic to cancel the cycle. I have to now tell dh when he gets in as I know it’ll be the first thing he asks about.

Has anyone else ever cancelled an ivf cycle ? I think I just want dd to be an only child, but I still feel so upset.

From what I’ve read so far risks are doubled

It would be a high risk pregnancy which I didn’t know.

Medically not. But many people believe life begins at conception. If it doesn’t for him then fair enough.

So Op decides she doesn’t want the child, but she should just put up with it anyway??

While this is just my experience, I gave birth to our perfect baby girl last year, conceived via IVF using donor eggs, so I hope sharing my thoughts will be of help.
I am severely physically disabled due to a genetic condition prevalent in my family. I was extremely worried about passing this on to our child so having the option of using a donor egg was a real lifeline for me and I am so grateful to the wonderful woman who donated her eggs so we could complete our family.
Our clinic were excellent, talked us through all implications of treatment and we had some counselling regarding the extra potential emotional and practical complications of using donor eggs. At no point was I ever told, by the clinic nor by hospital consultants during my pregnancy, that using donor eggs posed a significantly increased risk to the pregnancy, though the clinic did advise me to take calcium and vitamin D to reduce the risk of placental abruption. I also took baby aspirin on the advice of both the clinic and my consultant. I know there is research online to suggest that using donor eggs can be more risky but, in practice, none of the many professionals I saw during my pregnancy seemed to think it was a particularly significant risk factor.
Maybe this was because my pregnancy was considered high risk due to several other factors, unrelated to IVF, so the donor egg factor seemed negligible.
Despite being considered high risk and being referred to a specialist team for observation at my first midwife appointment, I had an extremely easy and straightforward pregnancy, a lovely calm medically advised planned c-section and gave birth to the most wonderful baby in the world. Throughout my pregnancy and from the moment I held her in my arms there has never been a single moment when I have felt anything but complete and all-consuming love for her and I cannot imagine feeling disconnected from her in any way. I can't imagine how she could feel any more like mine, yes, she was conceived using a donor egg but she grew in my womb for nine months and I gave birth to her, if that doesn't make me her mum I don't know what does! Also, for me, it may sound odd, but I really wanted to have a baby with my lovely husband, that meant more to me than having a baby who was biologically linked to me.
I would advise talking this over with your husband and really exploring your feelings. By all means cancel the cycle but don't reject the idea completely. I understand the panic in the moment but please give it some serious thought. We were fortunate enough to get pregnant on our first cycle and experience a textbook pregnancy and birth, which I know it is not guaranteed but then that isn't the case for any pregnancy, we knew what to expect each step of the way and we are now the proudest parents in the world to the most delightful toddler ever. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.

Itis definitely higher risk and one of the reasons surrogates are more likely to die during late pregnancy, birth and the post partum period than mothers carrying foetuses conceived using their own eggs.

It's absolutely unconscionable that you weren't told clearly about the risks - a failure in duty of care and indeed the clinic failed to "cover their backs" if anything awful happens and it can be proved they failed to provide clear and honest information on risk.

OP Has made an important decision in an unreasonable way. Neither speaking properly to medical professionals or her husband. She’s also made it way too late in the day.

Yes in my view life was already created - she absolutely should.

It sounds like there’s risks, but nothing too bad/ life threatening? Sounds like you were having doubts anyway, and this has just sealed your decision.
is that a final decision now, that the embryos will be destroyed? Or is it just the procedure hasn’t gone ahead?

If she were 2 weeks pregnant with a baby conceived naturally and realised the same risks, I wouldn’t be expecting her to abort based on the reasons she’s given. So I don’t see why it would be different because it’s in a test tube.

So for some of the things you have mentioned - your ‘own’ egg pregnancy about 3% and donor ivf is about x3 higher. It’s your body and your choice.

My sister had many complications and had ivf to have the one she has - for many reasons, age, risk, career, etc she chose not even to attempt number 2 and she decided they were going to get loads of animals, have a huge house (to have his friends over and use their house) etc

OP, ignore the guilt mongerers.

Your body, your choice.

Ironically if you’d fallen pregnant naturally and decided you wanted a termination plenty of mumsnetters would be perfectly happy to tell you it was your body your choice and your DH didn’t need to know or consent since it’s not him who is carrying the pregnancy. This is no different.

As for the donor, well it’s just eggs really isn’t it. They make the choice to donate, some eggs might be used, most won’t even fertilise, most of those which do will end in miscarriage, so the chances of that eg out of however many she donated was minimal at any rate. Donors donate to give someone a chance of having a baby, there are no certainties, and every donor knows that.

Her body, her decision

Yes it is. But the question is she unreasonable. And yes the way she has made her decision is unreasonable and possible one she will regret.

If she’d made it surrounded by support and experts in an unpressured environment whilst not spiralling then not unreasonable.

That doesn’t mean anything unless you know what figure you’re doubling? It could be that you’d have a 0.02% in a ‘normal’ pregnancy and now the risk would be 0.04% or it could be going from a 15% to a normal 30% chance

Not quite true. Her and her husband must want a baby pretty badly to be going to these lengths. It would be like they’ve tried for months, she’s finally got pregnant, they’re both really excited and then she chooses to abort. That would be wrong.

I’d imagine it’s because they’re so minuscule?

You can have a high risk pregnancy no matter what. The risks aren’t exactly what you make them out to be. The greatest is the risk of preeclampsia. You have a 1 in 25 chance of getting it in a regular pregnancy.

So it’s not a huge risk, is it?

Exactly this.

And deciding to abort without actually speaking to proper professionals and her husband. Or making the decision in a calm and rational way.

OP - presumably the embryos will ‘keep’ in the freezer for a while? Can you sit with your decision for a while. This doesn’t feel like a thought through, calm and fully informed decision right now.

You did the right thing @donorEggDont.

Yes nothing will happen with them as the process for consent is quite complicated

kindly, the risks you are talking about - preeclampsia, GDM, IUGR, are all things that can be monitored and managed throughout a pregnancy. I would imagine most women going through this scenario is more than happy to take a small increased risk of conditions that can happen in ANY pregnancy. I think you are using these are excuses and just wanted an out. I don’t blame you but shame you let it get so far.

I think you’re making a decision based on panic rather than making an informed choice.

You should make sure you properly understand this new information (and that it’s accurate) and give yourself time to process it before making a final decision. You may still decide not to go ahead but you should feel confident in your decision.

Well I just know I 100% can’t go ahead this cycle I will take some time to think but I just can’t rush into anything. I got far too stressed and now feel too anxious.

I've suffered one of these pregnancy complications with a natural pregnancy and I don't think it's unreasonable to be wary. Yes you can be monitored but it's very daunting, I have my own limits on how many more pregnancies I am prepared to risk after my first one.

You should have been properly informed of the risks so that you could make the right decision for you.

An IVF pregnancy is higher risk than a naturally conceived pregnancy. An IVF pregnancy with donor eggs is higher risk than an IVF pregnancy with your own eggs. I think you have done the right thing.

I’m surprised and shocked you haven’t had a significant amount of genetic counselling. I thought it was standard for donor IVF cycles. I imagine there are very complex emotions involved. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to say no but I’m not sure how I’d feel if I was your DH, particularly as these are embryos and not just eggs.