My sons teacher was awful to my toddler and I’m still a bit confused and upset about it

[headlightshiningbright]

My ds (5, in reception) has not had a good week at school and got into quite a bit of trouble. His teacher wanted to speak to me about it which is fair enough. I am supportive of the school and I have hopefully made it clear to ds that there cannot be a repeat of this behaviour.

However, in the meeting, my nearly three year old kicked off a bit. There was a club going on next door which she wanted to join in and she ran to the door and started crying and saying she wanted to make what they were making. My DS’s teacher spoke really sharply to her, saying her name and very firmly ‘no’ - I can’t honestly say it was shouting but wasn’t far off. She then carried on telling her off.

To be honest the whole meeting felt very confrontational and while I sort of understand she wasn’t pleased with ds it felt like my parenting had been tried and felt lacking and that she needed to step in.

I don’t even know what the point to this post is! I guess I’m just wondering if others would feel a bit peculiar about it? Intentionally or otherwise it was incredibly undermining and felt horrible to be honest.

OK. Understood. My point stands nonetheless: you were talking to the teacher and DD had been left to her own devices. Presumably, the crying would have made it difficult for the teacher and you to talk, which raises the question others have raised about why it was the teacher rather than you who intervened to calm her down and draw her away from the room in which the hedgehog activity was taking place.

Maybe not at your age. But an unknown adult speaking sharply to a 2 yo is going to frighten them.

not her place.

I'm so confused myself, as I can't see where the teacher's behaviour was awful. Then again, I'm also confused by toddlers howling and throwing themselves about at being told no.
A swift, sharp no does a child no harm. Don't you ever tell her 'no'? Is she wailing every time she doesn't get to do something she wants to do?
It can't be up to parents alone to speak to children. All that whooping, dropping and hollering is most often, quite unnecessary behaviour.

How tall is your dd compared to the smallest reception child? Could she have not registered quite how young she is?

So then she'd need to never take her 2yo on the school run on the off chance the teacher wanted a word at pick up? 🙄

if the teacher wants child free meetings she needs to book a convenient time in advance.

What? leave the toddler with grandma every day just in case the teacher wants a word? Don't be daft.

Of the teacher could have asked to see her another day, as she was the one with a problem with a 2 year old getting upset at not being allowed to join in the fun.

Not sure what planet most of the posters are on, especially the wisdom of the one mumsnetter who expected you to whip something out from your handbag like crayons and paper for your 2yo to play with for the impromptu meeting you didn't know you were having. As if you just carry them with you for the school pick up LOL.

In my experience if anything had happened at school, the teacher would bring it up in a just to let you know this happened today. Then suggest coming in for a meeting at another time to discuss how to tackle it, not springing it on you when you have no chance to prepare, speak to DS or arrange child care. I think she was unreasonable.

Is your sons recent behaviour new? Or veen going on for a while? Is it the first time school have brought it up? Is he the only one doing it?
I don't think the mud splashing is a big deal as much as it's been made out to be and ypu should have been given the opportunity to speak with DS first to find out why he didn't stop when asked. And a chance to deal with it at home. When you asked him why he did it what did he say? Why was he on the table? Once you've established an idea of what was going on, why, what you can do to improve the situation I'd email the teacher and request a meeting to discuss further - along the lines of "thanks for bringing x to my attention, we take it really seriously, we are dealing with it, these are the steps we are taking to resolve it," appreciate it if we can schedule a meeting to discuss further - i was caught off guard the other day at the end fo school and it was not ideal as I had my 2yo with me". Also I'd ask the school what was happening before, during and after your DS undesirable behavioural outbursts. Do not be afraid to ask the school for their input on what can be done to help, what support is available.

Agree and the school should have strategies if he has hearing issues

Or at least consider his hearing issues when they raise things with parent

Common sense adult.

You don't speak sharply to a visiting 2 year old.

They aren't another school child. They're not in the schools care.

I am the Mumsnetter who suggested 'whipping out crayons and paper'. I suggested it based on my own routine when my DD was two/three of always having crayons in a tupperware box, a pad of paper, a book, a packet of oatcakes and a fruits shoot in my rucksack precisely because you never know what may happen and children that small cannot occupy themselves. So I was, and am, on planet earth.

As an adult she should show more restraint than being sharp with a visiting 2 year old!

Perhaps you aren’t very knowledgeable, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of - no one can know everything, but you can make some effort to learn. Basic research, and the NHS website is helpful here but there are many others, will show you that a baby is from newborn to one. Not three. Not two. A child of that age crying does not make them a baby.

It also doesn’t help to call people nutjobs.

I marvel at the self-discipline some parents expect of teachers. A recent survey of teachers who had left the profession recently placed parent demands clearly above the demands of the curriculum, pupil behaviour, marking, and administration as the main reason for leaving.

I would be unhappy about this too OP. This was not a prearranged meeting so you had no choice but to bring your daughter in with you. It was not the teachers place to chastise a young child who is not a student in the school. She could have suggested you redirect your toddler or have done so herself. Alongside her general adversarial attitude in your conversation regarding your son, it appears this is her communication style. Not all teachers are cut out to teach young children. She doesn't sound like she has the patience.
My eldest daughters first teacher was very similar in her manner. She would beckon parents in every day with her bent finger every day without fail as we all queued outside the class at pick up time. It was known as getting "the curly finger". She was a young woman too but had an awful reputation for being very harsh on the reception year children. Thankfully she moved schools the following year and was not missed.

FFS an unwell 2 year old cried because she wanted to join in & make a hedgehog, but wasn't allowed. Behaviour boundaries?? Yeah borstal immediately!🙄

having a strange woman be sharp with her was really going to help the situation. 🙇🏻‍♀️

It sounds like she was a bit too sharp with your nearly 3 year old, yes. Agree with pp she probably automatically treated her like a reception child.

But it’s not that big a deal. She didn’t actually shout at her or accuse you of bad parenting even if you ended up feeling that way. She just spoke a bit sharply.

These things happen. Shrug and say to yourself “ok she’s had a bad week, partly due to DS” and get on with life. Nothing especially terrible has happened.

it is normal for a toddler to have a meltdown and it no way reflects your parenting skills. If I was the teacher i would either have left it to the parent or tried to distract her in a nice way.

The best thing you can do is to stop thinking about this particular interaction and guessing what other people’s conclusions about you or your child or your parental skills are. that way leads to endless circles of despair.

My heart doesn't break for a nearly three year old crying because she just wanted to make a hedgehog. I was told "no" quite a lot as a child and there was a very strong focus on not embarrassing my parents in public. I remember at this precise age being really sad that I couldn't use the onboard swimming pool on an ocean liner. I had to accept it (and my mother told me years later that there had been some dreadful scabies outbreak and that was why she was not letting me in that pool.) I mean I didn't get to kick off when I was made to attend Sunday school either even though I found it mind numbingly boring. My mother had been a nanny in her youth and later worked in a children's home. She didn't run a democracy. She wasn't an ogre - she just had standards. I was very close to her and my children adored her.

It's not the same, obviously, but my input,
my friend's 3 year old was throwing slippers at me and laughing, with my friend looking helplessly at us.
I was so surprised
I told him off, and he stopped.
I think parents sometimes don't think their kids' behaviour is that bad.

I think the teacher over stepped. I’d probably let it slide but it would affect how I viewed the teacher.

It's nothing to do with the 3: year old crying, it's because OP didn't do anything. I can't believe the second the 3 year old cried the teacher told her to stop. She was probably expecting OP to stop her child from running in to another room and disrupting the meeting but OP didn't say anything so the teacher did

The comments on here are absolutely ridiculous. Of course parents have other children with them when picking up older DC, and you’re not going to use childcare every day on the off chance the teacher may want an impromptu meeting with you. The teacher was out of order in my opinion. Toddlers are known for this kind of behaviour, she sees some other kids having fun and wants to join in. She didn’t even have to say anything, as she could have left mum to deal with it, but didn’t even give her a chance. But she had no right to tell your child off, none whatsoever. I’d be as annoyed as you are, and so would most of the people who comment here, they just like to argue the opposite. It happens on every thread, pretty tiring.